[NoIdeaWhatToDo]

So, I've been struggling with this idea that my T suggested to me at my appointment last week, and in a few others lately, too. She's working with me to stop trying so hard to meet others' expectations and to put on a good face for them, whether that be putting on the happy voice that answers the phone or prioritizing getting all the laundry/dishes/cooking done instead of thinking about what I'd really like to do. I have spent so much of my life being the person I think others want or expect me to be, I have no idea anymore who I really am. I feel like a shell of a person...a chameleon who looks for the cues in others that tell me who I'm supposed to be with them.

My struggle comes in a couple of places: 1) to stop doing that and start exploring who I really am seems like an astronomical task that I have no idea how to even start - also terrifying in the event that I figure out who I really am and what I really want, and it's not compatible with the life I've built with my husband and family. What if I end up more miserable because I've figured it out and can't pursue it, or worse, I end up pursuing it and dragging my family down a road they never signed up for? --- and the other bit --- 2) Sometimes I honestly feel held together by being the person others expect. When I have my darkest thoughts and impulses, knowing that others would have to deal with it are the biggest things that keep me from acting on them. I'm afraid if I let go of molding my actions to others that I may end up even worse off than I am now. That scares me, because I don't want to die...I just don't want to live like this, and this is all I can see. What do I do if I let go of this sense of obligation to others, and it frees me too much?

Better to just stick with the known evil? It's not fulfilling or particularly helpful to my emotional state, but it may be better than the alternative...

[Can't Stop Crying]

I can't say much, but I do understand. Sorry you are struggling.

[ToeJam]

I've had the word 'chameleon' thrown at me a few times in my life as I too adapt and change to suit others, to fit in, to meet expectations.

Haven't really got an answer for you as I'm still working on it with my T (She believes it's based on passed trauma and others issues that I'm to be screened for). I would however explore this with your T... ask why she thinks you're doing this rather than 'just stop doing it'... that way, once you have a better understanding (from her side too)... the latter will become clearer and perhaps achievable.

[NoIdeaWhatToDo]

Thanks, ToeJam...I'm honestly not really used to questioning my T. I get into the same pattern where she suggests something, and I gauge whether she thinks I should agree or nod or ponder, and then I do what I think she's looking for. I hadn't really thought about that until right now. If I did question her a little bit, maybe it would be clearer to me and I could start working on it.

Today seems a bit better than yesterday - but I spent a lot of the day unconsciously doing what was expected. As long as I don't really think about it, it's so much easier...but then I end up missing out on lots of 'reality,' I think. I wonder if this is part of the reason I don't have a lot of memories - maybe I wasn't really present for a lot, if you know what I mean. *shrugs*