[hailseh]

First off. I'm new to this. I have ALWAYS struggled with depression and anxiety. recently as I grow into my early-mid 20s, it only seems to be getting worse. I don't have many close friends because I'm not into going out every chance I get or about social standpoints or groups. I feel like it is hard to find someone to relate to my age that feels this way, also. My anxiety has triggered many issues in my life and I also suffer from social anxiety. Seriously. I sweat and have heat attacks while at work or school. I can't get past this and it kills me. I get nervous even having to go inside and pay for my gas. I have a boyfriend and we live together and have been together for almost 4 years. He's amazing and supportive but just doesn't get how depression or anxiety works. He always tells me every positive thing one would like to hear when they are down but it just doesn't help me. I wish it was that easy.

I also have a very supportive family. My mother has suffered with depression all her life also. (With some hypothyroidism thrown in the mix) so she is easy to relate to- except she has her depression under control. I try and explain how I feel to those around me but I just don't feel like they understand. I don't know. I guess I'm just ready to feel ****ing better. I don't WANT to feel this way at all!

I feel like a black hole is in my chest. I always say to myself- and I've never shared this with anyone- that I'd just rather go to sleep....forever. It'd obviously be easier that way. But I know I will NEVER go through with something like that, but still, the thought crosses my mind regularly. I feel like I am extremely unimportant in this world. Which I am, because only a few would notice if I am gone. I feel so insignificant! I just want to know that others feel this way too. I just want to talk about it. And I just want to relate to someone.

[VRichards9612]

Reasonably, my issues are not the exact same as yours but they are similar. I am a male reaching his 20th birthday this year. All throughout my life in public school I have been shy and quiet. Reached late high school life before I decided I wanted to connect with people (namely girls that I found attractive) and fell flat on my face with my inability to express my feelings and inability to get over my social anxiety. I have nervous qwerks like not being able to sit still around people without getting nervous so I'd have to find something to do in order to distract myself (like browse aimlessly through my phone). I'd get into conversations with people and I'd try too hard to be funny/sarcastic or I'd flat out stop speaking because I simply can't think of things to say to people with talking with them.

I also have a supportive family who would do anything for me but it is not enough to end my sadness. I want someone who doesn't have an obligation to me to show that they at least care for me. Any of my friends around my age found me to be awkward and generally not entertaining to hang around so they don't contact me at all, and my cousin (who I hold very dear to me because she's been with me for the longest) doesn't talk to me as much as she used to when we were younger.

So I understand how you feel on some level. I think about dying and experience great sorrow when my attempts at building my life fall short. The only thing I can think of is to forget about connecting with people and try improving my efforts in my schooling and maybe try picking up piano lessons (something constructive with my time)

[Altered Moment]

Welcome to PC. You can find lots of understanding and support here. What you describe you can read over and over from other people here. I can totally relate to what you have said. Keep posting and reading others threads.

Are you being treated for your depression? If your Mother's is under control how did she do that? Maybe it will work for you.