[seraphic]

Today I saw a new psychologist who asked me what about my life I'd like to improve, and what I'd like to be like when I got better. He also asked me what sort of career or life I'd like to have, and I honestly couldn't answer. I don't want a career, I don't want a happy life, I don't want to solve my problems. The thought of doing that terrifies me.

Can anyone else relate to the feeling of not wanting to get better? I know that isn't all of me, because I continue to struggle and search for ways to find help, but in therapy as well I keep getting held back by this major stumbling block - I can't imagine a me that's better, and I don't want to get there. Mostly, I want to lay down and sleep.

[TheLastChapter]

I understand completely. Like I want to get better, but it is so much easier to say that I just dont feel good and be in bed all day. It is really hard for me to see me getting better because I am so used to this being the normal. So I completely understand and want you to know that you are not the only one struggling with the decision to get better.

[Vossie42]

If you get better, then you have something to lose - even is it's just a little thing. The prospect of more loss when we've lost so much already is crushing. The good thing is that progress lost does come back.

[Agentfyre]

I like what was said above: If you get better, you have something to lose; and feeling bad is what's "normal" for you now; and getting better takes effort and energy that you likely don't have right now.

I'd like to add to that. Sometimes it's so comfortable to do what I've always done, even if what I've always done is feel bad. Feeling good... what is that even supposed to look like? It's so unknown, so risky, sometimes it feels like it's not even worth the effort.

I often have to remind myself that even though I'm so comfortable feeling negative, I hate having my life that way. This gets me the motivation to look at what I really want my life to look like instead, or at least what I DON'T want my life to look like, so that I get the motivation to seek change, even though I don't feel like seeking change.

I hope this helps in some way.

[Beachlover527]

I am the same way. Having a good life is just weird for me because for so long, there's always a feeling of there being something wrong. Whether it's friend issues, self hatred, anxiety, fear, worrying, etc. it just feels weird for there not to BE anything. Just a blank slate and a happy day to look forward to.

I also want to be happy but it seems impossible due to my problems.

[Altered Moment]

If you are doing poorly I think the psychologist is putting too lofty and too long term of goals in front of you. They should be very short term very simple things that won't overwhelm you and that you can accomplish. Like even taking a shower or brushing your teeth. Baby steps.

I have very cyclical depression and have been at this treatment and recovery stuff for twenty years so I know very well both ends of the spectrum. In the same year I can be suicidal, in bed 18 hours a day to totally functional, productive, content and all that.

I can assure you that there is nothing to fear in getting better. The fear goes away when you are better but there is the fear that it will get bad again and it might.

Getting better doesn't mean you have to go to school and get a masters degree or some big money making career. You slowly figure out what it looks like for you. What you are capable of and so on. Tell that psychologist you can't see that far in the future. I suspect you want to get better but can't envision what that looks like because you are basing it on how you feel now. That's what we do when depressed.

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[TheOriginalMe]

Can you remember the person you were before depression? If you can, and I understand that might not be possible, use that as a basis for how you would like to be again. Even if it is just one tiny thing like wearing your favourite colour.