[jazzy123456]

I spent like 13 years hiding my feelings because I thought I wasn't supposed to show them.

For the last 3 months or so, I gave that up because I thought it was more important to just be real and embrace who I am- I wanted to find freedom in showing emotions.

I recently moved home after graduating. And when I'm depressed, I'm used to it. I'm not in my bed all day or doing anything to harm myself. I live a normal life. I still have a routine. I work. I do creative things. I spend time with friends. I've just been able to stabilize my depression and live with it for the last 3 years.

It's just, the last 3 months- when I'm depressed, I don't put on a smile and hide it anymore. But I'm not discontent about it. It's just the way it is.

So a family member keeps asking me questions about my sadness and wants to know what's wrong ALL the time. Although I appreciate the sentiment, I like to keep my sadness private. I feel like I am burdening her now and making her worry which I don't want to do.

I feel as if I need to go back to hiding my depression to keep her from being worried or concerned all the time. So now I feel I have an extra burden to carry for being the real me and embracing who I am.

This is very frustrating... has anyone experienced this?

I'm not trying to answer questions every day about why I am sad from her...

I am content with being depressed and still living my life pretty well.

I really dislike the feeling that this family member is in my business.
It makes me uncomfortable and I am not used to it.

Has anyone experienced this?

One of those days where I wish I was still in therapy...

[ChildlikeEmpress]

That sounds like a hard situation, jazzy. I do understand -- I'm also very adept at hiding feelings, and hate when people ask me "what's wrong?" all the time. Can you maybe talk to her that you appreciate that she cares, but really aren't comfortable talking about feelings? That if you feel that you need to talk to someone, you'll approach them when you are ready?

[Agentfyre]

I have to agree with above. This sounds like a boundary issue, not a depression one. You're friend/family is crossing some of your personal boundaries, and that causes discomfort. The best way to deal with this is to tell that person how you feel.

You don't have to answer every question someone asks you, you have the right to keep some things private. Try and be as genuine with yourself as well as them. It might be best to journal about the feelings you experience before discussing them with the person.

A helpful format could be "When you [behavior] (such as asking me certain questions), I feel [emotion] (such as fear, sadness, etc.), because I think [whatever the thought is, like "you want something from me" or whatever it is].

So to sum that up: When you [behavior], I feel [emotion], because I think [thought]. See if that helps. Sometimes, again, it can be better to journal it first. Good luck!

[NoIdeaWhatToDo]

My husband is like your family member...except that he knows all about my mental health conditions. His solution when he feels bad is to talk things over and over and over. If he doesn't feel better after that, he talks about it some more. His family does this...it works for him and for all of them. It's not how I was raised, and talking about it when I'm feeling depressed makes me feel even worse because it makes him feel like it's an opportunity to discuss how to 'fix' it (and I know he's just trying to help, but intentions mean nothing when I'm depressed). I also feel like I have to then comfort him because he doesn't like seeing me upset. I've had the following conversation with him several times, and he's finally getting it (after more than a decade):

I know you, and many people, feel better when they talk about their feelings if they're not feeling great. That does not help me. Talking it over with others makes me feel pressured and even more upset. I need you to understand that I'm not feeling great right now, and that it's OK. I will feel better when I feel better, and that change will have to come from within me. I appreciate your concern, but I'd rather be the one to approach you when I feel like talking. It's good to know that you will be there for me when I'm ready, but I need you to not pursue this until I'm ready.

Some version of this or what Agentfyre provided might work after one attempt for someone you don't have to live with.

[jazzy123456]

All of the comments helped me tremendously. Agentfyre sort of summed it up for me though... in a way that made sense.... because I did think it was a depression issue but it's not... it's a boundary issue!

Thank you for the way to phrase the conversation...

The only thing is, this is easier said then done... easier written then done too!

You're asking someone who doesn't like sharing how they feel to explain "Why" they don't like sharing what they feel to another person.... do you see the contradiction? lol ...

[lonewolf59]

For me, I just don't care. I don't live my life, I just survive.

[Agentfyre]

Jazzy, I absolutely see the contradiction. And I don't mean to sound like it's an easy process at all. However, the healthiest way to deal with boundary violations is through communication. Again, don't take this to mean "go out and communicate what you feel right away." Not at all! Like I said before, start by journaling about your feelings. Or you can even discuss them here! But something to help you identify what those feelings really are, and what might be causing those feelings.

May times it's helpful to identify what automatic thoughts we have that lead to our feelings as well. Sometimes we can gain greater insight to ways we can affect our own emotions.

But only after truly discovering and becoming comfortable with the emotions you experience do you want to try communicating them. So I'm not saying you should communicate your feelings because as you said, that's difficult. Instead I'm saying take your time, become aware of your feelings, take the time to take care of yourself in those emotions, find healthy ways to express them (privately even), and once you're comfortable and ready you can communicate yourself and place healthy boundaries.

Does that make more sense? I know that it's still saying to share your feelings when you don't want to, but at the same time your family member wants to help you but only hurts you in her attempts. The only way to take care of yourself in a healthy way is to set those boundaries through communication.

I know that isn't easy, and I know that it may be very uncomfortable, but that's why you have support here through us. Let us know what you need.