Am I being helped or manipulated?

Hello, new here and reaching out to the internet for some company.
So my subject leads me to discuss my relationship. I am younger and my bf is older. The most sweet and caring person I know.

For the past year or so I have been pushing if not couple but more so alone therapy. It has gotten to the point of dark thoughts on the regular and violent outburst toward myself.
His reason for not approving therapy is the idea that antidepressants will be pushed on me. Mind you his first encounter of a friend being of antidepressants the police thought he was going to hurt someone, with what was thought of him having a weapon and really didn't. -Long story short, the friends manic behavior got him shot by the police. Which leads to the hesitance. I am in a loving relationship and my bf supports me financially so this is something I have to run by him.
Now the manipulated part, is that I feel reading between the lines -like my brain loves to do. If I see a therapist, I believe my bf is preventing this due to another idea of me being "enlightened" to him being the problem and resulting to me leaving him.

Seeking some kind words.

Hi, HeavyFeather, without more details, I can't say anything for sure. However, I do think you need the therapy--and he is letting his experience with a friend bias him.

Why do you think he might be the problem?

Hello HeavyFeather: I see you live in the U.S. You know, typically in the U.S., therapy & psych med's are provided by two separate professionals. At least this has been my experience. Generally, psychiatrists prescribe medications. Therapists provide therapy & counseling services. (This isn't necessarily the case in all countries.) So, if you're going to see a therapist, generally, that person does not prescribe medications.

Still, if you want to be sure you don't get handed a prescription for antidepressants, you could perhaps call around & find a therapist who for sure doesn't prescribe meds. Then you will know you won't get them, at least not right away. If, while you're in therapy, you & your therapist decide antidepressants are needed, then your T can probably refer you to a psychiatrist or clinic where med's can be prescribed.

As for your bf, you know we all make judgement calls based on previous experience. And, from what you've written here, it sounds like your bf's experience has been bad. So as long as he's not blocking you from seeing any mental health professional, perhaps he just needs some time to warm up to the idea. And, if you can arrange to see a therapist who does not prescribe med's, this should ease your bf's concern.

I do think your idea about your bf being concerned you might leave him is a valid one. Guys can be very insecure when it comes to romantic relationships. And particularly since he is older, he may be concerned that you may lose interest in him at some point. I think this is just something you have to bear in mind as things move along here. However, don't allow this to prevent you from seeing someone. There are always risks in relationships. All any of us can do is to take things one step at a time & see where things lead. My best wishes to you.

P.S. Keep posting here on PC too!

Welcome to PC. Glad you found us The Skeezyks gives very good advice.

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Your bf may feel like you won't need him as much if you get help somewhere else. I don't know your whole situation but it may help to let him know that you are seriously concerned about your own well-being and that you want to be in a good place so that your relationship can be better. Ultimately meds may not be for you, but that is a call only you and your doctors can make. If he is truly supportive, he will want you to be healthy and happy.

Everyone has been very helpful. The amount of concern people show here makes me emotional. For someone lacking friends, sometimes the internet isn't that bad of a place.