[tuffy86]

Let me start by saying this: I have to intentions of hurting myself. I already am in constant variable pain. I have no intentions on taking my life, rather I fear death creeping in on me...

I have felt depressed for what seems my entire life. I was a child contemplating the pointlessness of playing rather than playing. I've just always been miserable...

This past year has been a strong downslide. I was injured at work(the constant pain, also out of work now), found out one of my brothers who I trusted the most had been sexually abusing our sister most of her life. My marriage is falling apart for what seems to be independent reasons that I can't grasp.

All my life I fought depression by the need to keep going, but when I get beat up on this badly I don't feel any fight left in me. I even tried picking up an engrossing hobby I enjoy, but I can only focus on the most depressing aspect of it...I am in counseling and waiting on my appointment for a psychiatrist...four month wait...

I never liked to use the word luck...but I could really use some right now. Anything, just anything. I feel like I have nothing left. Even my dog doesn't seem to give a hoot about me these days.

What you do when you have no strength left to do anything? Who do you talk to when it seems like no one is listening or cares to? Who do you trust when everyone around you only seems to hurt you? How do you carry one with no reason for it?

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Tuffy86.

Originally Posted by tuffy86

I was a child contemplating the pointlessness of playing rather than playing.

Sounds like you are dealing with chronic depression that completely enfolds the current severe stresses.

You are in counseling, you are on a waiting list for a psychiatrist ("pdoc"), and you joined this forum and have begun to post. Oh, and you've tried to cultivate a hobby. You actually are doing some things despite being out of psychic fuel. Why? How? I can neither answer for you nor for myself.

Please make yourself at home here.

[Abe Froman]

I don't know either. Just some how keep putting one foot in front of the other. Not sure where the strength comes from.

[Fuzzybear]

[Altered Moment]

In the depths of my deepest depression I will somehow manage to get up and take a shower and go to my pdoc and T appointments. Even if I have not showered for two weeks. Even if I have not left the house in a month. Even when I have absolutely no hope and it is all pointless. There is some spark of hope in there somewhere even though I am not aware of it.

You are taking the right steps and four weeks is redicules, but that is how it is nowadays. Be patient.

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[waterknob1234]

Hi Tuffy86. Welcome to the Community. From your post I can see on top of depression you have had to deal with a lot of difficult circumstances. And had some rude surprises from people you thought were trustworthy. My heart goes out to you. I wish there was a way I could heal and fix things for you but I am glad you are here. Post to us and make yourself at home here. We understand how you feel. Best of wishes.