[steven2601]

Firstly a brief history of my problems, I was bullied all the way through my school days which meant i didn't make friends easily i even had my head rammed against brick wall which left me with permanent headaches, which in turn stopped me getting a career in the army at 18 years old, i then started working as a security officer, and was working between 15 and sometimes even 24 hours a day 7 days a week for several years which most of the time i was alone on sight for very long periods of time further isolating me from being social, i got married when i was 22 but the marriage only lasted for 2 and a half years and for more than 2 years of that my wife wanted another man but just stayed with me(i knew this was going on but tried to pretend it wasn't happening, which completely decimated my self esteem etc), she finally left me just before i turned 25 at which point i tried to overdose, at that time i got no help from any professionals and my GP's answer was to just change my medication, in the last 10 years i have tried to be referred to get some help with my many(and growing list of problems i will list more as i go on)but every time i get referred to see someone i get rejected this has happened to me 4 times now over the past 6 years about, a year after my first overdose attempt i met someone online who lives overseas and we struck up a relationship however only getting to see each other a couple of times a year and because we are both sick and don't work it made it virtually impossible that either of us could move to live with the other because of lack of money/government laws etc,she also has many problems including being bi polar,having asbergers syndrome, and ADHD, and compulsively lying to me and other people aslo, but was atleast getting help with some of her problems(whereas i am not which has caused problems for us) eventually after 6 years she has decided that because i am not getting any help she can no longer be with me which has led to us splitting up after i found out she had been cheating on with a man from north america for atleast a month(i should state here that i severed all ties and contact for almost the whole of august until she contacted me last night and that while she is still with this other guy she says how she is missing me and part of her wishes she hadn't dumped me and that she still doesn't know what she wants) and last month i made a 2nd suicide attempt, this time i was put under the south+west Yorkshire NHS mental health crisis team who put me on yet again more medication and then nothing except either calling me everyday or coming out to visit me at home for a mere two weeks before just simply discharging me back to my GP without even so much as trying to help me, every time i go to my GP i feel like i'm just getting palmed off with anti depressants and that its just wasting time for both me and the doctors so it makes me just not make an appointment and see about my many problems

now onto a list of things that i think is wrong with me

1;:constant low moods/loneliness all the time( with the odd occasional high moment/outburst of laughter or happiness when playing computer games or watching something however these can be quite rare)
2roblems with my nerves all over my body (shaking/tremble all the time, sometimes my legs shake that much when i get out of bed that i fall over and i have even had to have an operation on my left elbow to have the nerve moved as it is apparently too short and was effecting the feeling in my fingers, this sometimes still happens and is now starting in my right hand also)which is now constantly irritating/burning sensation/partially numb or painful at times which i haven't even tried to get seen to by the doctors for almost a year now
3:short temper and getting angry that can be set off by virtually anything at any time without warning which also effects my nerves making me physically tremble in my arms etc and my nerves kind of like get fried(not violent to others but have been known to throw things at the wall or even punching doors and walls)
4:i don't take care of my hygiene at all sometimes i can go months without bathing/showering brushing my teeth etc...
5oor diet i eat mostly sandwiches both hot and cold or i eat pizza's the odd microwavable meal but nothing even remotely resembling a decent cooked meal(i also can only cook things like sausages or burgers no proper meals that take alot of preparation or doing more than 1 thing at the same time)
6:bad concentration, infact the only thing that i can concentrate on is playing pc games/ocasionally watching movies/tv shows online it is the thing i have any interest in and helps me try to keep my mind of things and distract me from thinking about bad my life is
7:aches and pains in my joints and muscles all the time and my joints often lock up or constantly clicking(especially my neck, ankles,knees, and i crack my knuckles alot especially if i get angry) when i am moving, often nerves get trapped in my shoulders, neck and shoulder blades, i do zero exercise i rarely even leave the house
8:social awkwardness, i don't have any local friends(never been easy to make and maintain good friendships) only a couple of people i talk to online, i don't go out and socialize and when i do go outside of the house i always feel like people are staring at me which makes me not want to go out even more(even at home i just stay in my bedroom most of the time and avoid even talking to my brother whom i live with)
9:a constant ringing/ping noise in my head/ears(not sure which), i think they call this tinnitus or something(had this since i was about 19 years old(now 31) and never seen a doctor about it)
10:headaches almost every day(this has never been investigated by the gp's nor do i get any medication for my headaches i have to buy medication from the local pharmacy which most of the time i cannot afford to buy and the medication rarely works anyway
11:sound sensitive most of the time i can't stand it when there is too much noise, people are being too loud or playing music, too many sounds going on at the same time etc and this can really irritate my mood which leads to more short temper flaring etc
12:i constantly feel like there is something more wrong with me (in my head) more than just depression like the doctor thinks and is treating me for, i feel like whatever i go to my GP with i am not being taken seriously and just keep getting put on different types of anti depressants(i am now on my 5th different type of AD's in the last 7 years none of which have even remotely worked)
13:no motivation or will to do anything at all other than sit at the computer either playing or watching things online, i have no daily routine other than taking my medication and eating, i have been this way for years and don't seem to be able of even trying to break this cycle
14:muscle spasms/ cramp(especially in my feet these can get really painful to the point where i end up screaming out in pain) has even happened during sex which was really embarrassing and off putting for both of us
15:sleeping disorder,i tend to be up all night and end up sleeping during the day sometimes i can be awake for up to 72 hours or even more sometimes (when i split with my fiance at the beginning of august i didn't sleep for a week and had to be given sleeping pills to get me sleeping again) i have tried several times in the past to turn it around but have always failed to do so
16:constant worrying and inner stress that just doesn't go away,always feel like there is a thousand things going through my mind yet i just cannot pin them down or figure out what they are(being at my computer helps me concentrate/ get my mind off things(sometimes))
there is probably more things to list but i cannot think of them right now

so my question is what do you think is wrong with me/how to treat it? and how can start to get the help that i need to get my life back as the way things are now i don't have a life and it is only a matter of time before i try to take my own life again( i have made 2 attempts in the past 7 years the 2nd attempt being just a month ago)

[Ripose]

Hello Steven2601; whew this was a very long post with a lot of problems to overcome. The first major concern is the lack of care you are getting. Have you tried finding a new gp? You should have extensive testing done, mine lasted 9 months (not every day). In the end they generated about a 25 page report with all the results. My pdoc started me on risperidone right away, and then tried many different ADs over the next couple of years. Now it is 11 years later and I am still constantly depressed but I no longer feel suicidal.

I take risperidone, cymbalta, trazodone, ativan, and tegretol.

You could voluntarily commit yourself if you feel suicidal and get better testing done while you are there. No matter how you decide to go about it you have to demand proper testing be done in order to be prescribed the right medications.

BTW You may not get many replies to your post because it is so long. Try to break it up some, since most people will read a shorter post.

[waterknob1234]

Hi Steven, I feel for you. It sounds as though you have been thru so much suffering and pain. I was bullied in elementary school and the painful memories have stayed with me to this day and I am 52 years old. I can't understand what makes a person want to hurt others. If you had your head slammed into a wall it makes me wonder what kind of damage that may have done. In any case I would find a different GP if you are not satisfied with the one you have. I have been on several different antidepressants. Not all of them work the same. Sometimes it takes a while to find one that works. Most people say the best treatment for depression is anti-depressant medication combined with psychotherapy.

I live in the US but what I have heard from other people on this forum is that there are some difficulties with the mental health care system under the NHS in the United Kingdom. Still, you have to try your best to get help for yourself. If need be call the crisis number, and be honest. If you are having trouble keeping yourself safe tell them. I wish you the best and I sincerely hope you can get the help you truly need and deserves.

[Fuzzybear]

[steven2601]

hi thnx for your reply yes i am now on my 5th different doctor and i have just had the same results from all of them i even changed to a new surgery in a different area and all give the same results i have pretty much given up on them and on myself but still hanging on even if just a little

[steven2601]

Tahnk you for your reply waterknob, yeah it feels like my entire life has just been built around pain and suffering, as i have posted in a reply to rep which is yet to be approved i am now on my 5th different GP, which is at a different location to where i used to live(granted only a few miles away but still) all have always gone the same route send to a place called right steps who sends out a social worker to assess me who then sends to somewhere that gives occupational therapy which has me go somewere for 2 hours 1 day a week to do silly activities which don't even interest me or they send me for an assessment to see a mental health team who rejects me and sends me back to my GP for the cycle to rinse and repeat, so far in my 7 years i have been on dialusapin, citalipram,mirtaspine, fluoxatine, and now i am on venlafaxine, they have never given me a really high dose of them most of the time they have perhaps increased my dosage 1 stage and then tried new AD's so i get the feeling they aren't really trying

[ToeJam]

Also a UK lad and can very much relate to the frustration of dealing with the NHS mental health service. Having read all of that I'm curios as to why your gp hasn't referred you at least to a psychiatrist as playing around with anti depressants 5 times to no effect would indicate that this is beyond his 'general practioning'... 2nd thing I found odd is that there is no mention of therapy which should be available to you (if not at your surgery, then somewhere local), ask your gp about IAPT availability... Can be frustrating in itself as sessions are slow (like once a month) but it's a start and better than nothing.

Sad reality is that in the UK you kind of have to push hard for help and when your motivation is drained through depression and low self esteem it is not an easy task... But look on the bright side, you've posted here and hopefully some of the info given above will help you take control.

TJ

Edit: just noticed Waterknobs mention of calling the crisis team. Works a bit differently in the UK (from your opening post though I think you know what I'm going to say), once they've handed you back to GP they won't help which is pretty lousy but they are over stretched or so they've told me in the past.

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Steven2601.

Originally Posted by steven2601

...every time i go to my GP i feel like i'm just getting palmed off with anti depressants and that its just wasting time for both me and the doctors...

I'm sorry this has been your experience.

Your post may be long, but it's exactly the kind of valuable documentation of your situation a good therapist could use. Please save what you've written above.

Considering that rough handling you got in your schooldays, have you ever been able to see a neurologist? Were you tested for head/brain trauma?

My personal experience has been that once a mental health diagnosis enters the picture, doctors pay excessive attention to it as the source of all one's problems, ignoring other potentially serious causes for symptoms.

[TheOriginalMe]

Hi, as another Yorkie I know just how sketchy the NHS is for mental health. The case in my part of Yorkshire is that even being seen for an assessment is a major achievement but there aren't any services on offer even if you meet their impossibly high criteria for treatment.

That leaves you with your GP and IAPTs (Improving Access to Psychological Therapies). Your GP can refer you to IAPTs without needing to go through the community mental health team, however, the waiting lists are really long (6 months or more). Then the number of sessions are limited to 12 and the only therapy that is offered is CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) which has a good reputation but it isn't right for everyone. However, ask your GP for a referral and see how it goes, in the end the IAPTs team took me on because there was no other service for me even though CBT isn't the best therapy choice for me. At the moment they are just helping me stay safe and not to give in to self harm and that sounds like something that might help you.

A lot of the things you have included in your list of problems do sound like they might be related to depression, but it is hard to know which way round things are working, do the symptoms make your depression worse or do they result from the depression itself? Maybe if you were to show the list of symptoms to your GP they would get a better understanding of just how complicated your problems are.

Good luck in your search for answers and help.

[steven2601]

well after talking with my ex again for a few days this week and being given false hope she decided that she isn't going to get back with me like she has been talking about possibly doing all week, so now i feel crushed and empty/dead inside/worthless than ever why do people do this stuff to each other?

[steven2601]

i am Worhtless,hopeless,useless,ugly,unloved, and unwanted

[ToeJam]

Originally Posted by steven2601

well after talking with my ex again for a few days this week and being given false hope she decided that she isn't going to get back with me like she has been talking about possibly doing all week, so now i feel crushed and empty/dead inside/worthless than ever why do people do this stuff to each other?

Originally Posted by steven2601

i am Worhtless,hopeless,useless,ugly,unloved, and unwanted

Hi Steven

Sorry that I didn't reply to your post on the 6th, was not something that I initially could address as I am unfamiliar with long distance relationships of that duration (have done 2 years in not consecutive order with my now wife but she is the steady rock to my balloon on a string)... but as it did go un-replied in general (and that's not a bad thing to take to heart, threads aren't always returned to once people have posted... so for a more direct response it can be useful to create new topics), I'm going to give this my best damn shot!

First off... I do not think you are worthless, hopeless, useless or any other label you wish to bash yourself with... and to me that is what depression does. It is insipid and sucks at your self worth and esteem.

With regards to this girl you mentioned... it sounds like she has a lot of baggage of her own and with things being so long distance - hence an inability to be of support to each other in the immediate and physical sense... to maintain such a relationship even between people without mh issues would take a lot of strength... so please don't let this crush you... if anything it's just opened new doors once you get back on your feet.

Now is the time to think about self care... as you've noted and a lot of other uk posters here will relate to, self care is something we really need to try and do with how erratic the nhs system is.

So, look for grounding activities... ways to distract your mind when you feel yourself spiralling... reach out to friends/family for support if you are comfortable with doing so.

Do keep posting here and look at the resources that are available via this site as a start point.

Best wishes and thinking of you

TJ