[Sleep64]

I don't see a point in living.

Please excuse my immaturity and ignorance, I've never done this before.

I've been depressed so long its become apart of my personality.
About me: I'm 21. I've had my fair share of jobs and they've all failed miserably. Sadly, I live with my mom again. I haven't since I was 18. She kicked me out when I wasn't ready to do anything productive. I dropped out of high school because there was so much going on, depression was probably the main problem. I got my GED shortly after, even if there was no point to it.

I haven't seriously wanted to die for a long time but since march when I got fired from my last job I've been really rethinking my whole life.

In recent months I've been laying around secluding myself from the world. Basically wallowing. I can't help it, I don't see a point to work anymore.

Sometimes I'll hang out with friends, but really only because I want to drink to forget how I'm currently feeling.
I'm pretty much an alcoholic. I will drink any opportunity I get.

I like to dwell on times when I was happy, or at least felt happy. for example when I use to have girlfriends.
That brings me to my social life. My terrible, terrible social life. I literally have noone to talk to anymore. I haven't made a new relationship with anyone for probably more than a year. I've tried going to parties, online websites. I just can't make or keep relationships anymore. I don't even know why anymore. I feel like I'm a terrible person because it seems like I don't care about anything.
In reality, I'm super self-conscious.
When I'm out in public I start to feel like everyone is watching me and they think i"m stupid or ugly and that they are laughing at me. And it makes me feel like ****. It's why I spend so much time hiding in a room all the time. Making it extremely hard for me to get and keep a job.

Please excuse me, I'm trying to explain important details.
Main point is. Is that I'm torn between wanting to die and wanting to fix my life.

I honestly feel like I'm two different people. One day I'll wanna die so ****ing bad, and the other I want to get a job and get the **** away from my mother.

I'm currently seeing a counselor about my depression. But I've only gone once and all the guy told me is to take vitamins. So that's great.
I'm trying to avoid taking happy pills, doesn't sound very appealing. especially with the more suicidal thoughts thing.


There's so much more. But I know I'm writing this novel and nobody is gonna read it but **** I don't know what to do anymore.

I feel beyond repair.

[Altered Moment]

Glad you found this site. That fact that you posted here and told us about yourself means something. We will read it and relate and understand.

I am a recovering/ recovered alcoholic and I used alcohol for a long time to self medicate. It actually worked for a long time. When I was very depressed and drank to try to escape it only made me suicidal. I drank mostly when I was doing pretty good but it was how I coped with life. Needless to say it made things much much worse in the end. I would encourage you to keep going to the counselor or find another one you can work with and build trust. There is always a spark of hope we have to cling to even if we are not aware of it.

[DogTired]

Whenever I start seeing new therapists I always HATE it for at least a few visits because it doesn't seem like we connect. I'll give a new therapist 4 to 6 visits before moving on, unless they're disrespectful or making me feel much worse about myself than I already do. It can take a while for the relationship to work. Also, the happy pills keep me alive. If I didn't have them, I'd be toast. Right now I'm trying a new one and it's not working super well but it's keeping me from self-harming, at least, and it doesn't have any nasty side effects. It's a little scary to try new happy pills and then frustrating to need to have them tweaked, but it beats hanging out at the hospital.

Therapy and happy pills might help you get to a better place. The drinking (which I can also relate to) won't, at least not in the long run. Sounds like maybe focusing on one thing at a time - the drinking, the job situation, the living at home situation - and gradually working on things instead of trying to make sweeping changes all at once might be helpful as well. Depression makes it all seem so overwhelming, like you're fed up and want things to change but then when you think about taking action it is just too hard to do it all. Also, depressed or not, long-time habits and personal tendencies don't get switched on and off like a light switch.

Keep posting on here. Stuff gets read and replied to usually, and it can really help.