[tealBumblebee]

Trigger Warning for talk of emergency/death/suicidal ideation
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Today, a pretty intense moment happened at work in which a patient of mine passed away - essentially right in front of me in a matter of minutes. I work in an emergency room so, unfortunately, this isn't uncommon but this particular instance did catch me completely off guard. The woman was older but stable and completely coherent one moment and then, bam! she was on the downhill. She began to get sick; I tended to her and then realized something wasn't right in which I contacted someone and we immediately went into "life reviving" measures. The lady ultimately passed.

I was able to do my job but felt so hot and nauseated the whole time and kept feeling like in the thirty or so seconds that I was tending to her I should have been able to see where she was heading. I became emotional and my coworkers all told me that they likely wouldn't have done anything different had it been them. And, inconsolable, the doctor came in and told me that there was absolutely nothing I could have done and that due to her condition, today was simply "her day".

I feel better about it now, and when I had to evaluate what I would do differently, it would just be that when I was "checking to see if she was okay" that I would "automatically know she wasn't" and save those few seconds.

The point though is that working in an ER this is not uncommon. My coworker said they knew I was good at my job, one told me that this was my third day in a row that I was tired and over-thinking things. I reached out to a friend also in the medical field who listened and told me not to blame myself but was just like I've never seen you respond like this and she couldn't really understand why this of all the horror stories she heard from me (i'm pretty "tough" apparantly) was the one to get to me. So, I started to wonder - this has been a rough two weeks for me (very depressed, considered overdosing type bad) and today was actually a superb day until this - maybe I was being overly sensitive? But, I can only assume that the reason is these depressed emotions i've been experiencing lately are spilling over into other emotions. I've been doing this job for three years and never honestly been affected like this, so why would this be any different (i had no personal ties and no more time with this than any other patient).

So I guess i'm wondering this. Those emotions that came out today felt so real, but T has told me that my emotions have a way of "coming out sideways" (i.e. being overly sensitive to things that perhaps don't need that degree of response). Is this one of those moments? Is the depression making me "dramatic" in other parts of my life or was it just a tough day?

[kaliope]

I think it was just a really tough day. coupled with your own suicidal depression this has to be difficult. those sideways ways emotions come out as t is talking about. just let them pass. I know, when I am feeling suicidal, and I hear that somebody else dies, it really impacts me hard. I don't feel it is fair. it is like, why do they get to die and not me? im jealous. im angry. I feel a whole host of emotions over it. it just isn't fair that they got to die and I have to go on living. just accept them and let them pass. take care.

[Travelinglady]

It could be. In a way, I don't think you are being overly sensitive. Death can be an upsetting even for medical professionals. But depression could be making your response worse, since normally you know how to control your reactions.

[Rohag]

One perspective: Depression is corrosive. Your recent struggles with depressed mood did not impair your professional performance, but they did erode your ability to psychically/emotionally handle an otherwise common experience.

Wishing you peace, Teal Bumblebee.

[ombrétwilight]

Originally Posted by Rohag

One perspective: Depression is corrosive. Your recent struggles with depressed mood did not impair your professional performance, but they did erode your ability to psychically/emotionally handle an otherwise common experience.

That's so true. Depression might not influence our professional skills but it does tend to make our emotional responses more exaggerated or abnormal. I function slower while depressed but it seems as though every little thing sets me off. It's like putting on a pair of shades that grey-tint everything in your world, making even the brightest colours seem dull. Please know that whatever happened today was not your fault and you did everything in your power given the circumstances - no one could have asked for more. Your work is important and amazing and even more so since you're struggling so much yourself. Take care!

[tealBumblebee]

Thanks guys! I'm feeling much better today. Surprisingly my family allowed me to vent the events of the day, as well as T - and i'm coming to terms with things. Lost some sleep over it last night, then hit a crying spell but I am realizing that I did the best that I could. And now, we're practicing self soothing which happens to be much needed right now and everythings just starting to fit in place.

[Mikeyboy]

Originally Posted by Rohag

One perspective: Depression is corrosive. Your recent struggles with depressed mood did not impair your professional performance, but they did erode your ability to psychically/emotionally handle an otherwise common experience.

Wishing you peace, Teal Bumblebee.

Originally Posted by ombrétwilight

That's so true. Depression might not influence our professional skills but it does tend to make our emotional responses more exaggerated or abnormal. I function slower while depressed but it seems as though every little thing sets me off. It's like putting on a pair of shades that grey-tint everything in your world, making even the brightest colours seem dull. Please know that whatever happened today was not your fault and you did everything in your power given the circumstances - no one could have asked for more. Your work is important and amazing and even more so since you're struggling so much yourself. Take care!

I'd just be repeating what they said, so I just quoted them. These make sense and are what I'd say. Take care, hope you feel better. Best wishes.