[ForeverLonelyGirl]

The last few days I have been so bad. I could have posted under many categories. It is hard to know where to pinpoint my main problem. Still recovering from long term klonopin use, now 19 months out from cold turkey day.

Maybe I am just really discouraged and tired from fighting this so long. I am sure not where I would have thought I would be by now! I really thought I would be much closer to feeling somewhat "normal". Depression and severe anxiety have a tight grip on me. I hardly get dressed, I stay on the couch all day and cannot seem to get the gumption to cook myself anything. I do live alone which makes it easier to be so pathetic.

I have been stuck in the house mostly for this whole 19 months, one reason is the social anxiety and phobia of being outside. Basically fear is ruling my life right now. I know that depression runs in cycles, now that it has been a few days of being so down, I am hoping for a lift. The anxiety never goes away, never!

I could write a book about how this recovery has drastically changed my life, some good things but overall, not great at all.

Maybe the best way to explain it is to list all the symptoms that I am STILL having and won't go away:

severe depression, social anxiety, fear of driving, depersonalization, heart flutters, fast breathing at times, chronic insomnia, daytime sleepiness, zero energy, profound feelings of sadness, cry very easily, heat intolerant, creepy crawly feelings on skin, panic attacks and excessive worry, feelings of terror at times, multiple fears, hopelessness.

With all this present on a daily basis, I don't wonder why I am so depressed. This is a really large order for anyone to support me. I have been sorely without any basically during this whole process, I think I am just purely exhausted and sick of it all!

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, ForeverLonelyGirl. Twenty+ years on Klonopin and then a cold-turkey stop in 2013 -- wow.

Looking at your list of symptoms, although you have severe depression you do not mention suicidal thoughts. Is that the reason they took you off the Klonopin? (Feel free to ignore the question...)

Have your doctors considered replacing the antianxiety med with any other forms of therapy? It sounds as if you need help far beyond what you can generate within yourself.

Please make yourself at home.

[Blitter2014]

[Abe Froman]

Just want you to know I'm listening. I hope you find strength and peace.

[Alone & confused]

Bless your heart! I'm going through much of the same things! A sadness so deep that I can't even cry anymore. Feeling like I'm so lost that I will never be found again. Just know that you are not alone. Many of us understand and are here for you.

[midsomer]

wish you the best

[ForeverLonelyGirl]

Originally Posted by Rohag

Hello & Welcome, ForeverLonelyGirl. Twenty+ years on Klonopin and then a cold-turkey stop in 2013 -- wow.

Looking at your list of symptoms, although you have severe depression you do not mention suicidal thoughts. Is that the reason they took you off the Klonopin? (Feel free to ignore the question...)

Have your doctors considered replacing the antianxiety med with any other forms of therapy? It sounds as if you need help far beyond what you can generate within yourself.

Please make yourself at home.

Hello, thanks for your response. I think you are right. All these things are too much for me to try to recover from on my own. I would like to see a therapist if I could find one that I could have a rapport with AND afford. I gave up on that last year when I felt completely unsupported in my withdrawal efforts. Md's are no help at all of course.

People going through this also get criticized for "going backwards" it seems with the anxiety and phobias. Plus others get tired of just hearing it all the time. I can totally understand that, it just encompasses your life for a while.

I have felt such total lack of empathy and understanding from my family, one even got angry with me that I was unable to help take my dad to doctor appointments. I just could NO way drive around town then and still struggle now. That was a kick in the gut for sure. A sibling of course, and she has not spoken to me since!

Seems I will have to feel better to get the nerve to go to a therapist and give one a try. What a strange predicament.

I think all this has caused some physical heart damage or problems so I am headed to a cardiologist Monday. Maybe that is why I am so down.

[lilypup]

I just came off a 2 year depression. I still am not totally back. I take between 1.0 and 1.5 of Klonopin per day. I worry about getting addicted but am not sure if I am. I can go days without it.
Have you thought about writing a blog to get your feelings out? It has helped me a lot. You could make it totally private if you like. Try wordpress.com

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by ForeverLonelyGirl

I think all this has caused some physical heart damage or problems so I am headed to a cardiologist Monday. Maybe that is why I am so down.

I'm glad you are getting to see a specialist. I hope they can "rule out" heart damage.

Yes, physical and psych issues can easily get intertwined.

I'm right there with you FLG. You're not alone. I am in withdrawal hell and have 10 more months to go before I'm off. I have all the SX as you. My husband took over the cooking 1 year ago. Good for you for hanging on. The corner will turn. You can do this. I'm white knuckling it, but determined, too. I kindled so my withdrawal is similar to yours. Keep posting, know there is someone going through the same thing.

My family also doesn't understand why I can't "be there" like I used to be. I can take my kid's to appointments, but as far as extended family, impossible. It is hard for people, unless they've been in our shoes, to understand the agony of benzo withdrawal. It is another invisible pain.