[tigerlily84]

Ah the familiar anxiety is back.

You know what's crazy? How fast the anxiety came back as soon as I got to work after 6 weeks away. It was like those 6 weeks hadn't happened, that I somehow didn't have a breakdown. I don't even know if that's what it was, but it certainly felt like one. The day before I returned there was a company meeting in which I was recognized for my 5 year work anniversary. I wasn't the only one that was recognized, but I had the added task of explaining that I was on medical leave, and yes I was okay, and congrats on the work anniversary, blah blah blah. I don't think I've spoken that much to ANYONE since before my little breakdown. It was exhausting, and was the reason why I ran outside for some solitude on my break.

So what is different now? I'm poorer, since disability doesn't pay much, but hey it's not like I had the will to brush my teeth much less go outside and spend money that I didn't have. I have medication now, but I have to deal with the side effects. I might need a dosage increase, actually.

I think what's changed is my outlook. I'm still depressed and anxious. I think I may have become more anxious in some ways, tbh. It's almost like taking this (very much needed) time off has made me realize that yes I have MI, and yes I have to take medication. Not that I'm special or anything, because so many people do. But I guess I finally accept that I have it. It's almost like the depression is real, because I had to take time out of my life to deal with it. I don't know if that makes sense.

I knew I was depressed and anxious, but even after all this time, I thought of it as a character flaw; as if it was something I could control if I just kept fighting it. And yeah, I'm still fighting, but I am finding that the medication is helping. And telling a select few family members and friends has helped make depression less of a looming invisible monster but it's made it more tangible, in a way. And look, I somehow have a support system now, sort of. Misunderstandings are there, but I guess that goes with the territory.

I'm sitting here, dreading going in to work tomorrow. I want to never go back, but I have to pay bills. I have to keep this job for the health insurance, at least for now. How am I going to survive this? I don't know but I will try. Sorry that this post was all over the place, I'm kind of in a weird mood.

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

At least you know your problems for what they are. I hope that helps you get by and gradually become able to manage what must be an exhausting and destabilising condition.

[Fuzzybear]

[Altered Moment]

Having it affect your ability to work and pay your bills adds a whole new dimension. At least it has for me even though I have accepted I had depression and have been taking meds for twenty years. I always managed somehow to keep working. Mainly because I had a boss that put up with me missing three months a year. I basically ran his business the other nine months and did what I could from home when I was down. He needed me. That business no longer exists and others don't put up with that. Depression has gotten much worse in recent years so it has an even bigger effect on working. Very hard new component to deal with.

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[TheOriginalMe]

Going back to work is a huge adjustment and it will take a while before you settle back in. Monday will be the start of my third week back, although I'm only doing part time hours. If I could afford more time off I would, but I'm trying to save enough money to self fund private psychiatric care, it is my only hope now. Good luck to you.

[Brintel]

Originally Posted by tigerlily84

Ah the familiar anxiety is back.

You know what's crazy? How fast the anxiety came back as soon as I got to work after 6 weeks away. It was like those 6 weeks hadn't happened, that I somehow didn't have a breakdown. I don't even know if that's what it was, but it certainly felt like one. The day before I returned there was a company meeting in which I was recognized for my 5 year work anniversary. I wasn't the only one that was recognized, but I had the added task of explaining that I was on medical leave, and yes I was okay, and congrats on the work anniversary, blah blah blah. I don't think I've spoken that much to ANYONE since before my little breakdown. It was exhausting, and was the reason why I ran outside for some solitude on my break.

So what is different now? I'm poorer, since disability doesn't pay much, but hey it's not like I had the will to brush my teeth much less go outside and spend money that I didn't have. I have medication now, but I have to deal with the side effects. I might need a dosage increase, actually.

I think what's changed is my outlook. I'm still depressed and anxious. I think I may have become more anxious in some ways, tbh. It's almost like taking this (very much needed) time off has made me realize that yes I have MI, and yes I have to take medication. Not that I'm special or anything, because so many people do. But I guess I finally accept that I have it. It's almost like the depression is real, because I had to take time out of my life to deal with it. I don't know if that makes sense.

I knew I was depressed and anxious, but even after all this time, I thought of it as a character flaw; as if it was something I could control if I just kept fighting it. And yeah, I'm still fighting, but I am finding that the medication is helping. And telling a select few family members and friends has helped make depression less of a looming invisible monster but it's made it more tangible, in a way. And look, I somehow have a support system now, sort of. Misunderstandings are there, but I guess that goes with the territory.

I'm sitting here, dreading going in to work tomorrow. I want to never go back, but I have to pay bills. I have to keep this job for the health insurance, at least for now. How am I going to survive this? I don't know but I will try. Sorry that this post was all over the place, I'm kind of in a weird mood.

I can understand about the job anxiety. I'm not sure how I'm going to make it either. I've been back about three weeks after a week in the hospital. I have new meds that I'm not sure about, how much they're helping, I mean, since my mood seems better but I have episodes of feeling pretty bad. I have a follow up appt. tomorrow. I find myself thinking about what my life will be like if I have to go on disability permanently, how I will manage financially, where and with whom I'd live (I don't know if such funds realistically support living alone), and so forth. It's a lot to deal with. I'm rooting for both of us.