[faris92]

I really don't know if I actually came to the right place but I just really need to get things out. Hear me out, please.

A little background: I am a 22 year old undergraduate student studying oversea away from home (like 10000+ km away). Used to do well in my studies but now, my grades are exponentially declining. Life has been very dormant for me for the past few months. I guess I decided to finally let it out after several events happened to me today (a lot of things happened, don't ask). I am trying to get myself to get help from counselling but here in Canada or even my uni, it's gonna take like 5 months before I actually get my turn.

Simply put, my life basically sucks.

I am a gay guy, have always been but still in the closet. Well, first of all, my family is kinda homophobic (I don't particularly care much about thus) but the main reason I'm still in is because my education is being sponsored by my government that's not exactly gay-friendly and I'm not supposed to be gay by their standards sooo to keep it safe and keep money flowing to my studies, I decided to keep it low. Even so, if I wasn't sponsored by those peeps, I wouldn't be out flaming either, I don't conform to most gay stereotypes and definitely, am not the guy who's into gay scenes. Have never been to a bar or a gay bar or even drank alcohol/took drugs but that's probably because of my religious upbringings.

But of course, I need sexual release righttt, I had my first sex when I was 19, lost it to a complete stranger and I have been having anonymous sex ever since. I tried to play it safe most of the time although I'll admit that I did have several unsafe encounters. Well, the worst possible thing to happen happened to me few weeks back, I had unprotected sex with a HIV-positive guy (undetectable), I was depressed that day, I had sex with him without condoms and without thinking, he told me the day after and I went through PEP (google it), the result came out today and I am HIV-negative (yeay!). This whole turn of event really opened my eyes but is slightly elevating my depression. I need to stop all these NSA encounters but I just don't know how. I want to be in a relationship (not just because of stable sex but I really yearn to be with somebody) but I can't even fish a guy. Owing to depression, I am slowly gaining weights, have uncontrolled diet and let's face it, in a gay world, you're nothing unless if you're good-looking, I am nowhere close to being a good-looking guy. I can't be open too much with the condition I listed earlier (and there are people who are sponsored like me here who I'm afraid can be quite a whistleblower), I can't join LBGT group here in my uni and so I'm stuck with my anonymous encounters to satisfy the gay side of me.

But that's not just it. I lost interest in my studies, I used to love Biology, specifically Genetics and Immunology so much but now, I just want to stop. My grades in first and second year are stellar but now in third year, I am not doing well at all (not failing but grades are worse than usual). I feel like grad school is slipping away and I don't even feel like repairing things up. I am skipping most of my classes and that has been contributing a lot to my declining grades. I do last minute work on all my term works and lab reports. I have never been so turned-off with my studies and I have never felt so stupid.

I guess, partly because I miss home as well. I am 10000+ km away from home. I only get to visit home like once a year (not this summer as I am supposed to do a summer research program) and I get depressed when I think about family. Despite homophobia within the family, I really love my family. Being away from home has made me really grateful and loving towards my parents. And my parents are like super old, they kept telling me that their times are almost up and that stuff scares me like hell. I'm like a day of flight (and I should also say expensive) from home and I kept thinking I will not be able to make it back home for emergency cases. And I don't handle goodbyes or partings well. If something ever happen to my family, I would be very distraught and triple that if I don't get to be there with them.

Life has been really really sh*tty and dormant. I sleep at like 5 or 6 am in the morning and wake up at 4 or 5 pm in the afternoon, do my homework, eat, watch TV or surf the internet (sometimes I go out to have NSA sex) until 5 am in the morning and then go back to sleep. Rinse and repeat, my life has never been so uneventful and I lost interest in so many things. I used to go to the gym but rarely ever do so now. I now have uncontrolled diet and spending (financially). I skipped most of my classes. I worry about my future all the time but just don't want to do anything about it. Even when it comes to sex, I am even losing interest in it (not because of the HIV thing but I simply lost interest in sex in general).

I don't do drugs or alcohols and don't plan in doing so. Have no suicidal intentions (I probably owe it to my religious upbringing). Have no problems with friends although I do realise that I don't feel like talking to them as much as I want to talk before, I was an extrovert and was quite talkative.

Sorry for such a long post but I really needed to get that one out. Thank you so much if you have been reading my post. I'm not really mad if I don't get a solution or something because I feel like mine is almost beyond repair but words of encouragement really do help me feel better about myself.
Oh btw, I'm new here. Hi!

[kaliope]

hi faris
I am so sorry that you are struggling. as you mentioned depression, your post hits many of the red flags for depression. are you interested in taking meds? can you go to a clinic for that at least with a regular medical dr? could you make friends with the LGBTs without joining their group? just show up at the meeting and watch who goes in..just try not to appear like a stalker...lol.....I would guess that trying to live this secret life is wearing on you. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

[Altered Moment]

Welcome to PC.

I would highly suggest reading the book "The Noon Day Demon" by Andrew Solomon.

He suffered some very severe bouts of depression in his life. He is an author by trade and decided to go out and thoroughly research depression and write a book. He is bi sexual I think. He started having gay sex when he was pretty young. At one point he went out and purposely tried giving himself AIDS by having unprotected sex with total strangers he met on the street. In his view now it was para suicidal behavior, or least very self destructive.

In his research he found the incidence of depression is much higher in gays. On the one hand family, society, people who fund education, etc. send the signals that you are defective for being who you are. On the other hand the openly gay community says come out of the closet and march in the parade and celebrate. Causes a lot of conflict for people. Being raised religious I am sure causes a lot of conflict. Having a meaningful relationship would be hard to hide.

Being you are in Canada does the health care system have therapy services for you? I think you could really benefit from therapy. Help resolve inner conflicts. Maybe help you find more support with groups or new friends being so far away from home.

[Altered Moment]

The Noonday Demon | Andrew Solomon