[Patagonia]

TRIGGER!

I'm so freakin sick & tired of being sick, tired, depressed & very suicidal! Everyday! I can't stand myself anymore!
I have a small rational "part" of me that says it's time to stop & get help, but all my other parts just say why bother?
I've been hospitalized 3 times just this year. Last month I did another round of ECT. That makes a total of 22 times they've fried my brain & yet I still wanto die. Maybe it's just really meant to be.
Then the issue of actually going inpatient. It's always short term. It's always a new med change. Always told that things are better as an outpatient & that there really is no special place to send me that'll help me. IF there is I'm sure there's no beds & my insurance won't except it.
Stuck! I constantly feel stuck! I think my T is even sick of hearing me. My med cabinet has such a strong voice lately & yet I'm still breathing. Guess I'm waiting for a miracle that I deep down kno will never happen. Why do I bother anymore?

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[waterknob1234]

I know life is so painful. I am with you. I am so tired of being depressed. Somehow we have to hold on to hope. Somehow it has to get better some day. The depression I have seems to have even stole some of my intelligence and rational thinking capacity. Still, somehow we have to hold on to hope. Please take care and stay safe.

[Brintel]

Originally Posted by Patagonia

TRIGGER!

I'm so freakin sick & tired of being sick, tired, depressed & very suicidal! Everyday! I can't stand myself anymore!
I have a small rational "part" of me that says it's time to stop & get help, but all my other parts just say why bother?
I've been hospitalized 3 times just this year. Last month I did another round of ECT. That makes a total of 22 times they've fried my brain & yet I still wanto die. Maybe it's just really meant to be.
Then the issue of actually going inpatient. It's always short term. It's always a new med change. Always told that things are better as an outpatient & that there really is no special place to send me that'll help me. IF there is I'm sure there's no beds & my insurance won't except it.
Stuck! I constantly feel stuck! I think my T is even sick of hearing me. My med cabinet has such a strong voice lately & yet I'm still breathing. Guess I'm waiting for a miracle that I deep down kno will never happen. Why do I bother anymore?

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Listen to the rational, loving part of you that tells you to get help. You deserve to be loved, even more so because you are suffering so much.

[Kathleen83]

Is there anything about your situation that you can change (other than different meds again and again)? Has your T tried different types of therapy, or are you trying the same ones over and over? Are your meds different types, or different brands of the same type? Sorry for all the questions,....I don't really expect you to answer any of them to me, or here.....just wanted to give you some things to think about. I realize you may have all ready tried all the different options and approaches, but since I don't know, I had to ask. It surely sounds like what you've been going thru isn't helping much, so I'm just hoping you can think of something new to try.

[Patagonia]

My T is now trying emdr & neuro biofeedback. These are new to me. I don't feel any differently. She's trying new ways to try & communicate bec I freeze up & don't say much in T. Really what's there to say! Nothing except how frustrated I am.
Pdoc is always playing w/ my meds. Increase this a bit...try this brand new (expensive) drug & keep our fingers crossed.
Last time I saw her I asked. "Is this the best that it's going to get?" All she really said was that we need to keep trying...but I wasn't going to walk out of there like mary poppins.
I just can't stand where my so called life is...what life! This is just a living hell

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[Kathleen83]

I know some therapies and meds take a while, before results can be seen. As for the changing of the meds, and the expensive ones.....remember that you can always say no. Share with her WHY you are saying no, tho. Sounds like she is indeed trying to work with you....here's hoping you both find a way to work together, to get to feeling better.