Trying not to act out

Went to my general doctor to talk about my depression. She gave me a kolonapin script to help with my anxiety. She didnt feel comfortable giving me a script for an antidepressive because she isn't qualified to decide if I have bipolar or depression. I am convinced I do not have bipolar because I am NEVER happy. I went to my first initial intake at the mental health clinic yesterday. They say I have to come back next week to complete the intake then have 4 visits before I can see a psychologist before they can decide if I can receive medication. I can't wait that long! I am crawling out of my skin right now. When I feel like this I act out by meeting men online and meeting them for sex. Sometimes having them physically hurt me to the point of leaving with bruises. I've been through this before. I've ended up with a concussion and bruises in the shape of hand prints on me. I don't want to end up this way again. What now??

First off, I am really sorry about the situation you are in. It’s tough at first when you aren’t properly diagnosed.
I don’t want to be a downer but even if you were prescribed meds, chances are they wouldn’t help right away anyway. If you do get a prescription for something, it could take weeks or months for the right balance of meds. You need to also seek out therapy to talk about your need for self-abuse. I don’t have to tell you what a dangerous situation you are putting yourself into. PLEASE seek help here in the meantime. Someone here will talk you through it.
If you are desperate you can always check yourself into a mental health hospital. They will do an initial psych eval and go from there. You have to keep yourself safe! There are people that love you and care about you, try to turn to them for help in the meantime.

I have been through a bunch of intakes. They have to decide whether I am "worthy" of services. It is very frustrating. All I can say is keep at it. Jump through the hoops and loops and don't miss appointments. Keep moving in the right direction. Actually a thorough evaluation with blood tests is in your best interest. An accurate diagnosis. 15 minutes with a pdoc and walking out with a script is not good medicine.

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Sorry I'm not sure how to place a trigger icon on this posting.

I'mI upset that they are telling me its going to take at least a month to see a psychiatrist. So waiting a month for that and then waiting weeks and weeks more to wait for a medication to start helping. So I'm supposed to just be miserable and try to keep myself from going out and seeking the only thing that makes me feel better? It was so bad the last time.At its worse I met the man who I'd been having abuse me for awhile and when I got there there was another man waiting in the bathroom, I was beaten and raped by both of them. I don't want to re visit that behavior again. I was very lucky to make it through all of that. I just want help. I have another mental health visit next week. I just put a call into my general doctor to speak with her and see if she can help me until I can actually get some therapy. I can never go to a mental health hospital. I have kids to take care of. No one knows of my behavior. I have no friends to speak to this about..

I realize that you are in a tough situation but you say you have children. What if something terrible were to happen to you with these sick men? You need to tell someone... I get not going to a hospital because you need to take care of your kids but you need to seek some type of help. I know its not something you want to tell someone but medical professionals aren't there to judge. Maybe if you even told your regular doctor he/she could help. Ugh, I feel so bad for you.

I used to act out sexually too. I would meet random men and have sex with them, sometimes not even knowing their names. At the time it was a rush, i felt like i was the one in control but afterwards I hated myself. Its a terrible cycle. Try not to act out until you get the help you so desperately need!

I realize know one on this forum is capable of diagnosing other people but since you mentioned you also acted out in a similar way, does my behavior sound bipolar? I just feel very depressed and have this achey feeling in my chest. When I have the ache I run to the random men and have sex and let them hurt me and the ache goes away temporarily and then of course it starts all over again.

I don't know if its bipolar per se. I knew I was bipolar when I tried to harm my daughter. I spanked her 3 whole times in her life and then one day a few years ago I threw a scalding cup of tea at her head. Thank god I missed her. So I knew then that I needed help. I was more manic than anything. I didn’t sleep much, I kept myself super busy. I even went through this stage where I made jams and jellies and pickles for a week straight LOL. I went on spending sprees (over 10k) and now I am paying for it.
Then before I knew it, I started sinking into a depression even on meds and going to therapy. I cried ALL the time, even at work which was just so awkward. I didn’t want to get out of bed. I didn’t shower, I didn’t brush my teeth. It was bad. Finally, I got to the point where I wanted to end it all and OD on my sleeping pills.
My best friend and daughter made me check myself into the hospital. Thankfully my daughter was 18 at the time and she was okay to be home alone for a week.
My best friend knew some of the stuff I did but not all of it. I realized that letting men use me came from self-loathing. So I punished myself by letting myself be used and treated like garbage. I still have issues with self-esteem but almost everyone does so I don’t beat myself up about it.
Unless you are experiencing the highs and the lows you probably aren’t bipolar. You sound more depressed than anything or maybe borderline personality disorder? I hope they can figure it out and I hope even more that you can hang in there for you and your kids! I’m here to talk too and know what you are going through.

Are there woman's support groups you can go to in the mean time? Most towns have them.

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Dear Confusedattimes, I am currently in a partial pych hospitalization program after a really near death depression. I made a huge discovery that the klonopin that I got was relieving my anxiety but increasing my depression. If your main issue is panic and anxiety by all means take it but just remember ti keep it in the back of yr mind. I also find it so messed up how long it takes to get on with a psychiatrist. I find CBT helpd a lot. And finally I did the exact same thing....meeting strangers online to have sex that involved being beaten up (concentually) as alternative to inflicting it on myself. I just wanted you to know yr not alone.

What is CBT??

CBT: Cognitive behavioral therapy - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

What you're doing is, in a way, self-harm. It help you to feel in control and "distracts" your mind.
There is a forum here:

Self Injury - Forums at Psych Central

That you might want to visit.