[Puzzled12]

I'll try to keep my story brief.

I'm 31. Came from an abusive home. I spent the majority of my life avoiding people. I got fat. I barely spoke. Flunked my way out of school. Came very close to killing myself at least once. I manged to hold a job. Nothing fantastic, but enough to keep a roof over my head.

Since March I've begun to make some major life changes. I hit the gym. I started dieting. I've lost 40 pounds. I'm going back to school. I'm in therapy, both one on one and group. I'm also going to be trained so that I can lead NAMI support groups in the near future for others suffering mental illness.

Despite all that, I just can't connect to people. I worry that because I'm 31 and I don't have a core group of friends I'm never going to be able to make friends. Like maybe I'm too old now, or everyone's married off and busy with kids and mortgages.

I use meetup.com and find groups nearby, but nothing ever comes from joining them. I go out with a bunch of strangers. We do some activity for a few hours. There's some stilted conversation that goes nowhere. Then everyone packs up and leaves, and I'm back to being lonely.

Or worse, they snap pictures of me and put them on the site. When I see a picture of myself I become depressed for days at a time. I start contemplating suicide again. It's awful.

I worry that no woman will ever be able to find me attractive. I've lost 40 pounds but I'm still pudgy. I'm still losing weight, but sometimes I just feel like no matter how much I do I'm always going to have a baby face. I can be fat and ugly or slim and ugly. It won't make any difference.

The loneliness physically hurts.

Here's a pic from a few days ago. I can't do anything about my hair. I am doing something about the weight. I practice my smile in the mirror, but no matter how hard I practice it never looks right. My eyes are just dead. I hurt. I need someone. I need support. Warmth. Human comfort. But before I get those things I need to cure myself, apparently. It's a catch-22. How can I overcome lifelong depression without anyone in my corner of the ring?

ttp://imgur.com/TJKEefC

Add an H to see the image. I'm not allowed to post them yet, apparently. Sorry for bending rules.

[vital]

Originally Posted by Puzzled12

But before I get those things I need to cure myself, apparently. It's a catch-22. How can I overcome lifelong depression without anyone in my corner of the ring?

Hi Puzzled12. Wow, I'm really impressed by your post. Such a healthy and active approach to your problem and huge successes already with your weight!

You're right about the catch-22. A lonely vibe repels people quite strongly, causing more loneliness, etc.

My advice is to keep going, keep getting better and keep looking for new ways to improve. Maybe some sort of therapy could keep your adventure from being too solitary. Maybe some sort of group therapy even? There are tons of depressed people and you'll at least have that in common.



- vital

Not what I expected.

Being completely objective (I don't HAVE to even write this....) you're very handsome. Possibly you still "see" the person that you once were.

As far as depression goes, it's not easy to be sociable. I think you're doing the right things. Perhaps you need to take a step back and stop beating yourself up about your perceived failures and appreciate how far you have come.

I also find that things happen when we don't expect them to happen...

[Puzzled12]

Thanks, both of you.

It's tough. I'm more positive than not lately, but when my depression hits it hits hard.

If I don't get out there and push myself I'll be content to stay alone at home. I've spent way too much time laying in bed feeling sorry for myself.

It's tough, though. It was easier then. Now I'm pushing myself, but sometimes I feel like I just can't make any progress with people and it hurts.

Hmmm.....

I wouldn't let anyone snap photo's of me and put them anywhere without my permission, which is always "no". I don't like it.

What about online dating? Possibly scary, but maybe you can handle that at this point in your progress....and a little scary is a good thing, sometimes. As you say, staying home can become too comfortable.

I think when we start to feel better the tough times can seem to hit us particularly hard, partly because of the fear that it might be very bad and partly because we've had a taste of what it's like to feel good. I agree, it's tough.

[Puzzled12]

I did online dating but with limited success.

I actually do pretty well talking to women face to face, but I can't think of jack all to say in an email or a text. I usually get too stressed out and depressed by the whole thing and it never works.

When I'm actually out with someone I just go with it and have fun. I can laugh and joke and all that. But sitting at my computer I read and reread everything I write. I hate the way my pics look. I get depressed and mopey.

Why not just be forthcoming with that from the get-go? It's not uncommon.

Humor is key. A little flattery doesn't hurt either. It's not how much you say that's important, but what you say.