[marmaduke]

I have had what I suppose you would call a nervous breakdown when I was 17. Home life was awful, mother had never liked me much, now she made it clear she hated me.

I went into a severe stress related depression.
I had no one, no one who cared about me.

I was in a dark tunnel. I couldn't read as the letters jumped up and down on the page like they had a life of their own, I couldn't hear properly, peoples voices were mumbled, incoherent.
I couldn't write, I couldn't speak, my tongue wouldn't work it just seemed to get in my way, any attempt to speak came out muddled. Tears ran down my face silently and continually I couldn't stop them.
I felt agitated, yet couldn't do anything.

I couldn't go to work in the factory mother had put me in (she'd refused to allow me further education) I hated those mindless jobs I was forced to do.
Mother showed no kindness at all. All she said to me was "I don't want you at home, grizzling around me"
No comfort at all.
I took myself to the doctors, that took a lot of courage as I suffered with social anxiety.
The doctor showed little sympathy either. I remember him saying something like "Huh, we all get miserable sometimes". I came out feeling like s##t, I'd hoped to at least get some understanding, support from him, but nope. I felt like the whole world was against me. Everything felt very distant. I walked home in a daze. I didn't want to go home but there was nowhere else to go.

He did give me some pills however, anti depressants I assume, I remember they were yellow. Can't remember what they where (this was over 40 years ago)
I vowed to take the pills, and, if they didn't work I was outta here. There was no way I could carry on feeling like that.

They did work, took 3 weeks before I started to feel a little better.

The only place I found it described as I felt it has been in the book by Sylvia Plath 'The Bell Jar'

But what type of depression makes you feel like that, has anyone else felt like that?

[kaliope]

I think many of us can relate to these symptoms of depression. I have never read the bell jar to identify with that. but horrible parents, unsympathetic doctors, many of us have been there.

Well if it was caused by issues with your home life it could be related to post traumatic stress disorder. Plenty of things can cause a trauma reaction in people, it doesn't have to be a catastrophic event.

I have PTSD and MDD (major depressive disorder), but I think at this point it doesn't really matter for me what causes what, I just want to feel better.

[TheOriginalMe]

I wouldn't worry too much about labelling your depression as symptoms and presentation are highly personal.

You described an episode from 40 years ago when the docs would have used different language and still used words like endogenous, exogenous and melancholia.

When I first developed depressive illness 30 plus years ago I experienced many unusual symptoms that I don't get now including many of the things you describe.

[HelloWorld18]

I thank God my doctors have helped me with everything i've needed help with. But I can definitely relate.

[Altered Moment]

If you didn't get your emotional and psychological needs met as a little kid then likely your development was effected. Even your biological brain development. Our lives as little kids and teens has a big impact on us as adults.

[marmaduke]

zinco
If you didn't get your emotional and psychological needs met as a little kid then likely your development was effected. Even your biological brain development. Our lives as little kids and teens has a big impact on us as adults.

Agree totally.
Thats why its so irritating when people have a 'pull your socks up attitude' or 'just think happy thoughts' These problems are not a freakin indulgence, they are physical and serious.

Thank You for your replies