[The Fox & the Hound]

Ok. Tonight I was actually happy, but, after awhile I started to miss being depressed. I don't know why. Why can't I just enjoy being happy? My brain even regrets being happy

Even when I was happy I thought of suicide. Don't know why either

Hello Fox & Hound: Yes, I know this feeling. Every so often, it seems like the fog around me unexpectedly lifts momentarily & I feel... well... "normal" (I guess...) During these times, I too miss my depression. Depression is SO familiar, & "normal" seems too odd & novel. Plus there is the fear that this feeling of happiness won't go away! And then what do I do? I've had all of these years of craziness & now all of a sudden I'm going to be happy? The thought scares the bejeebers out of me! Oh, and yes, of course the thoughts of just ending it all continue as well. They've become so ingrained into my thought processes over the years that even a sudden onslaught of happiness won't wipe the from my memory banks.

I too know what you mean. I've been feeling better and it is scary and unfamiliar. I just keep talking about how I feel.

[Lemon Curd]

I hear you.
I am there now.
It has been a long time since I felt this way.
It feels... It feels...
Is this how regular/normal people feel often.

[AncientMelody]

I think when you're used to feeling a certain way, be it depressed, anxious, flat, whatever the case may be, it may not feel "good" but it feels comfortable. You know how to handle it because it's your default mode. You can see this in people without mental health issues staying in a bad job situation or a bad relationship for the same reason. They aren't fulfilled in this situation but there isn't the same kind of "pressure" as you face with the unknown.

[The Fox & the Hound]

I don't get why I felted relieved when I was sad again... Why don't I want to be happy?@ why do I feel comfortable being sad?

[Altered Moment]

It can be a comfortable blanket if it is familiar.

For me it is much worse when I go from a long period of doing very good to being depressed again. Its like OOOHHHHHHH NOOOO NOT AGAIN!!!

Did you pass your drivers test?

[The Fox & the Hound]

Originally Posted by zinco14532323

It can be a comfortable blanket if it is familiar.

For me it is much worse when I go from a long period of doing very good to being depressed again. Its like OOOHHHHHHH NOOOO NOT AGAIN!!!

Did you pass your drivers test?

I'll PM you.

[The Fox & the Hound]

Another thing is that I'm still suicidal. No matter how happy I am.

I still think of suicide no matter how good I feel. You are not alone

[ifthespiritmovesme]

Yep, suicide is the escape hatch - the thing we default to. Such a difficult thing to figure out. Maybe because we are so afraid that the good feeling will not last, and perhaps give us hope that we can actually beat this thing....

[BreakFree]

I've experienced similar feelings. Because the depressed feelings were so familiar, I would miss having them at times when I was feeling better. Because I was depressed such a long time, I didn't know who I was without it. It's a strange phenomenon, and very hard to explain to others who don't suffer from depression. But just know you're definitely not the only one who feels this way! It's hard to let go of that place you've been for so long.

[The Fox & the Hound]

It is just so werid, & I don't understand why I enjoy feeling depressed, & why I enjoy thinking about suicide.

[silver tree]

I think of suicide all day every day. The thought of it working makes me happy. The worry of it going wrong makes me worry.

Sorry happiness brings you pain. Life must be really hard for you.

[ozzy1313]

Thank you for posting this. I was just talking about this with my therapist the other day. Who would I be without my mental issues? Even though at times it is horrible, it is kind of like my protective shell.