Here goes nothing

Long story short… I was in a relationship living with my then boyfriend miles away from home in a different country. I loved him more than anything, to the point I gave up everything I knew to be with him and somehow it wasn’t enough. It felt as if my life was on hold. I was happy sometimes but t was too much, so I went back home. I couldn’t work in his country or develop myself, but I figured we could be in a long distance relationship, travel often and I could still work and work on myself. I could get the best of both worlds. Sadly, things ended after a few months after I went back home. The break up was rough.

When I lived with him, I felt so dependant, he had to pay for my everything and I hated feeling that way. When we broke up, he somehow shove it to my face and well, to be honest this is how I felt… I thought he was going to be the one person that was never going to let me down. That I’d be able to count on him forever. And I couldn’t. The one person I trusted let me down. And I realized I was alone, that I was by myself and that if I wanted to be ok I had to learn to be independent and rely solely on myself.

But it’s a lonely road.

I’ve worked my *** to get better, to be able to get a decent job (because I had some trouble getting back into business after living with him). From August last year to July 2014 I worked two jobs… that’s all I did, work. Now I’m settled with one and I have more free time and I feel all of this is catching up to me. Two years of shutting off my pain and tired and alone.

I don’t even know if I’m depressed. I don’t have suicidal thoughts, I’m just numb.

Friends go away or fight, numb, alright go.

I repeated time and time again to myself I couldn’t be weak. I have to be strong. That’s how I made it two years ago. That’s how I survived.

And now I think, it’s like I can’t feel.

I don’t go out much, just to work, really… and I try my best to avoid friends. They probably think I don’t care by now and sometimes I don’t.

I don’t want to be whiny, I know there's people that are having a worse time than I am out… I figured I could leave this out here and maybe someone could have an answer, how do you get back to normal? How do you start feeling again? How do you start trusting again?

Sounds like you need to go through a grieving process because of the break up. Maybe you are just stuck in that process or have walled off even starting it. After a loss the grieving process is healthy and necessary. How do you grieve when you just don't feel.....I dunno it is tough. I usually start writing about it. I just write and write everything about it even if I don't feel anything. That can open the door. Also talking to other people about it like you did hear.

There are a lot of articles on this site if you go to home page and just search "grief" her are two.
The 5 Stages of Loss and Grief | Psych Central

The Two Worlds of Grief and Depression | World of Psychology

Here is a section in this forum

Grief and Loss - Forums at Psych Central

I have been in your shoes. recently actually. my boyfriend broke up with me a few days ago [we are currently working on it], but I was a wreck. I started writing my thoughts down & still continue it. it really helps me. try and keep your mind busy, friends? if you ever need to talk, please message me & do not hesitate to talk.