[hopeful11]

All of my life, I lived with my mother and older brother. My dad has always been in my life but more financial than anything. I had never even been to my dad's house and we lived in the same city, he would always come to my house. My dad has been married since 1970 to my stepmom but he had an affair with my mother and I was born in 1994. My parents were never really together. Anyways.

I was a very happy child. I had everything, my parents were very loving. Although I was too young to know about my mothers financial issues until I got a little older. My mom would cry alot, her mood was very up and down, she smoked marijuana, and she abused prescription pills. I was young and I was used to the things she did, so I thought it was normal. In her last months, my mom would get sick alot, she didn't dress how she used to. I remember she had long beautiful hair and it got so matted that she had to cut it short because she never brushed it anymore. She had to get dentures because she let one infected tooth mess up the rest. Basically she didnt take care of herself like she used to and now that im older, im just now realizing that she was clearly depressed.

February 27th, 2009.. It was a Friday, I was 14 years old and I was a freshman in high school. I remember my mom coming to pick me and my best friend up from school. When we got home, my brother was there and we were all talking and laughing like usual. I just remember my mom saying "Well im just gonna take a little nap on the couch" and I said okay and went to my room. I was a homebody so most of my time was spent in my room, on the computer. A couple hours later, I remember going downstairs to go to the kitchen where I had to walk past my mother and she was still sleeping but she was snoring so loud, like louder than normal. Im not sure if that has any significance but it's just something I remember. When I went back to my room, my brother came from out of the basement to tell my mom that he was about to leave. All I heard was him saying "mom, mom, mom" and then it got louder and he was screaming "MOM! MOM!"..she wouldn't wake up. I remember literally jumping out of my bed and running down the steps where I saw my mom laying on the couch with vomit all over her mouth, the floor, and the table. I ran to her and I remember lifting her eyelid but all I saw was a blank stare.. I told my brother to call 911 because all he kept saying is "I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!". I told him that she was cold and he repeated in to 911 telling them to hurry up. I remember crying and screaming and pacing around my kitchen table and then my brother told me to go upstairs. I laid in my bed and screamed and cried, I thought I was going to die at that point. I knew she was gone.. My dad come up to my room to tell me that she was dead. Thats the first time I had ever seen my dad cry.

That night I left my apartment and the home that I had known for 14 years and I went to live with my dad immediately, mind you I had never even been to his house before. I cried to whole night, I couldn't sleep. My dad never talked to my much about what happened, we just don't talk about it. We talk about my mom but we never talk about what happened. Im 20 years old now and I still do not know the cause of my mother's death.

It seems like right after the day that my mom died, everything just started moving and I was not ready but I had no choice. I had to pick out her clothes for her funeral, go to the funeral, I was only out of school for a week and then I had to go back like nothing happened. Everything just kept moving and nobody ever sat my down and made sure I was even alright. I don't even remember who I was before that night. I used to be so bubbly now im like a mute. I don't talk much, I don't know what to say, I hate leaving my room. I don't know how to talk to people. I just feel like I don't know who I am. There's no life in my eyes anymore. My moods are very up and down, I cry almost every day.

I think I have been depressed since that day but I was too young to really know what depression is. I think I suffer from anxiety also. I just don't know what to do. I feel like i've been holding so much in for years that I could literally explode at any moment.

[favoritefountain2]

Originally Posted by hopeful11

All of my life, I lived with my mother and older brother. My dad has always been in my life but more financial than anything. I had never even been to my dad's house and we lived in the same city, he would always come to my house. My dad has been married since 1970 to my stepmom but he had an affair with my mother and I was born in 1994. My parents were never really together. Anyways.

I was a very happy child. I had everything, my parents were very loving. Although I was too young to know about my mothers financial issues until I got a little older. My mom would cry alot, her mood was very up and down, she smoked marijuana, and she abused prescription pills. I was young and I was used to the things she did, so I thought it was normal. In her last months, my mom would get sick alot, she didn't dress how she used to. I remember she had long beautiful hair and it got so matted that she had to cut it short because she never brushed it anymore. She had to get dentures because she let one infected tooth mess up the rest. Basically she didnt take care of herself like she used to and now that im older, im just now realizing that she was clearly depressed.

February 27th, 2009.. It was a Friday, I was 14 years old and I was a freshman in high school. I remember my mom coming to pick me and my best friend up from school. When we got home, my brother was there and we were all talking and laughing like usual. I just remember my mom saying "Well im just gonna take a little nap on the couch" and I said okay and went to my room. I was a homebody so most of my time was spent in my room, on the computer. A couple hours later, I remember going downstairs to go to the kitchen where I had to walk past my mother and she was still sleeping but she was snoring so loud, like louder than normal. Im not sure if that has any significance but it's just something I remember. When I went back to my room, my brother came from out of the basement to tell my mom that he was about to leave. All I heard was him saying "mom, mom, mom" and then it got louder and he was screaming "MOM! MOM!"..she wouldn't wake up. I remember literally jumping out of my bed and running down the steps where I saw my mom laying on the couch with vomit all over her mouth, the floor, and the table. I ran to her and I remember lifting her eyelid but all I saw was a blank stare.. I told my brother to call 911 because all he kept saying is "I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!". I told him that she was cold and he repeated in to 911 telling them to hurry up. I remember crying and screaming and pacing around my kitchen table and then my brother told me to go upstairs. I laid in my bed and screamed and cried, I thought I was going to die at that point. I knew she was gone.. My dad come up to my room to tell me that she was dead. Thats the first time I had ever seen my dad cry.

That night I left my apartment and the home that I had known for 14 years and I went to live with my dad immediately, mind you I had never even been to his house before. I cried to whole night, I couldn't sleep. My dad never talked to my much about what happened, we just don't talk about it. We talk about my mom but we never talk about what happened. Im 20 years old now and I still do not know the cause of my mother's death.

It seems like right after the day that my mom died, everything just started moving and I was not ready but I had no choice. I had to pick out her clothes for her funeral, go to the funeral, I was only out of school for a week and then I had to go back like nothing happened. Everything just kept moving and nobody ever sat my down and made sure I was even alright. I don't even remember who I was before that night. I used to be so bubbly now im like a mute. I don't talk much, I don't know what to say, I hate leaving my room. I don't know how to talk to people. I just feel like I don't know who I am. There's no life in my eyes anymore. My moods are very up and down, I cry almost every day.

I think I have been depressed since that day but I was too young to really know what depression is. I think I suffer from anxiety also. I just don't know what to do. I feel like i've been holding so much in for years that I could literally explode at any moment.

Hello Hopeful11,

Thank you for sharing your story. Are you in school? Or a Church? I'm not an expert, but I'm wondering if you might benefit from talking to a grief counselor. You might want to reach out to the person who officiated at your funeral. I know they would want to help.

Welcome to PC by the way, I'm new here too.

[hopeful11]

Originally Posted by favoritefountain2

Hello Hopeful11,

Thank you for sharing your story. Are you in school? Or a Church? I'm not an expert, but I'm wondering if you might benefit from talking to a grief counselor. You might want to reach out to the person who officiated at your funeral. I know they would want to help.

Welcome to PC by the way, I'm new here too.

Im in school but it's hard for me to focus or even figure out what i want to do with my life. I don't even know where to start when it comes to finding a therapist. I just need someone to talk to who understands or will try to understand.

[TheOriginalMe]

Hello Hopeful

I am sorry that you lost your mom in such a traumatic way and at such a young age, the death of a parent is hard for anyone no matter what the circumstances, but in your situation especially difficult.

My thoughts are that you have 3 things to deal with here, the trauma, the grief and your whole life being uprooted.

I would say of the the three, dealing with the grief will help you to deal with the other two. Grieving is a natural process that moves through different phases, there is no right or wrong way to grieve, but it needs to happen if you are to move on with your life. Through no fault of your own you didn't get a chance to go through the grieving process, so it is no wonder you are feeling so emotionally confused. There are therapists and counsellors who can help you through this, do you think you can get to see one? I think a specialist grief counsellor would also be able to help you find the answers to what caused your mom's death and knowing that would be a big step forward to dealing with the trauma.

Once again, I am sorry that you have has so much to deal with and I hope that you find PC supportive and helpful.

[Tommo]

Bummer. I can't offer any more advice than what I see others have given. Yeah. Grief counselling. You've been double whammied with even your home life being turned upside down. I hope that staying where you are with your dad will become "normal" in some time to come...which will only help you out.

Coming to this site was a great idea for both of us. The time I am spending...right now...trying to help YOU is helping ME.

[Turtlesoup]

Welcome to PC Hopeful So sorry for the loss of your Mom-I agree you could benefit greatly from grief counseling in order to get closure & move forward in your life-coming to this site was a good first step in healing yourself-this is a very positive supportive forum & I think you will find many others here that will be happy to help you any way we can. Take care.

[hidesad]

Hopeful. That's a lot to handle at such a young age. I think you are on the right track. Your post and acknowledging that you have been holding so much inside signifies to me that you are on the right track. Hopefully even just posting here provides you with some sense of support and healing

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Perhaps your post is the beginning of the grieving process for you...

I am so very sorry for your loss.

[MotherMarcus]

Hopeful , welcome to PC . You'll find that this place is a great resource . The folks here are kind and understanding and don't mind if you need to vent.
I agree with the others that say you should try to find someone you can talk too. Are you in college ? Maybe you can try campus health services as a start.
Keep in touch.