The bubble--

Where do you go when you feel alone and like no one cares you are really there as there are too many others in need. You have painted on a face, a smile for so long, pushed away what is going on as you feel forgotten or no longer important or as though you are heard yet your not, or that what you have to say is anything out-a-long important at all.

Seems understanding for others is always easy to see or feel but when it comes to you, somehow you should be over it or able to get through it yourself. Use your grounding. Talk to your t. I'm sorry as though that is enough. Your forgotten by your children, never being called or hearing from them. And even though you try, no answer, no response. It feels everyone has left, even if they are right there. That feeling that you are alone, even though there are people all around you.

You know they are there, they care or say they care, yet everything is different. Seeing others care about what others go through in the news or even in your life, but there you are and it feels the understanding or feelings for others is much more there and important. And you, you just are. Just because you cannot seem to say what is in your heart or what is screaming in your head, yet outside you are silent, as though you have died.

Feeling you are no longer important or matter, you shut down even more, if that is possible, and you just do what is expected and what you know others want and expect you to do. Like your drifting through life, just drifting, no longer in need of any care or understanding, you already had that chance and should be well. Those words playing over and over in your head as a recording you cannot stop or erase. And you know because it has played so many times before, but this time it is much louder and with more of a fierceness than ever before.

But what no one knows is something within has clicked and you just know what is expected, what is supposed to show and what isn't. And no one understands that you are somewhere locked in this place where you know what and how to be. Hearing constant that recording, and knowing full well it is something expected and known to do.

(Uggg-you cannot even write what you are trying so hard to say. And because of that you just turn away, making even stronger those words within. Why? Because it doesn't matter. You don't really matter. You never really have. You were just a project, now unneeded and unwanted. Now just an old story no longer wanted to be heard.

Just a project-broken, unable to be fixed, unable to be understood, unable to ever fit anywhere, for the puzzle you belonged to was broken at the start, and there is no place for that piece that you are. Reject. Just a reject.)

This place within that has seemed to draw a line in the sand, so to say, that it feels you cannot cross, that people are moving farther and farther away, and your voice is now but a whisper that can no longer be heard. Even through the screams that seem excruciating within to you, there is nothing but silence outside of yourself. Even writing you feel unheard, and like it is a danger that could get to you at any time.

You want to erase or delete the words typed, but somewhere in your heart you know you need someone to know. So you pray somehow it is heard. That somehow you are not really being rejected or unheard, you are just locked in this bubble within, and these words are really escaping through somewhere to get out.

But there seems there is a darkness looming, a place you are hearing no one cares and that you would be better off no longer being. Just dead. No one wants you. No one needs you. You are nothing to anyone. Words you have heard so many times really said to you, words that you tried so hard to tuck away within to stop them from seeping out, words that still speak with a volume that you have never been able to completely turn off.

Your mothers voice, your fathers voice---you know. And you feel small and no longer the old you you have now become. That you have seemed to disappear, yet you must carry on as that part of you so that no one knows you are so small. And you can because you have practiced and practiced-you just know how to be both at the same time.

Now the known words are pushing forth at a volume much fiercer and louder than ever. You never have been able to turn the words off. And even though you have tried, the volume switch doesn't work, and either way you turn that knob, they just get louder and louder. Some have said this same thing before but it is not a game nor is it seeking attention. The words are really there.

And yet, you are screaming out, through this seeping, and wondering if the words are being heard or if it even matters. This is not just a writing; I am not a writer; I am me; I am afraid; and I am hurting. And I am beginning to wonder if there is any hope. Any answer. Anyway out. And I have tried to give it to God, to pray. Please don't push that on me. That in and of itself is a trigger and something I fear. Please I beg you don't.

And I do pray, silently, I already do. Maybe it is that God feels the same way too. Maybe they were right about that too. And though I know he is real, I know what he can do for I have seen him do things for others, it isn't him it is I that is evil and bad. The one not even God can love. Me. I already know that. I know for they told me.

If anyone hears me, the me, one of many, I am reaching and afraid of slipping away. I haven't stopped but feel I am being stopped and this is scaring me.

Not her, me. All of us.

Debbie

I am sorry that you are in this place of darkness. I cant remember when I was last there, but your words strike a chord with me. Feeling so alone and rejected and broken, yet knowing nobody notices, nobody cares. wanting so desperately for somebody to see what is going on inside of me, to recognize the pain I am in, to care about me, yet nobody sees my devastation. I am too good at playing normal. I am isolated and alone. not even my t understands the depths of my fears. I share something deeply troubling, like you said you are evil and bad...I just got thru emailing something similar to t when I had a major meltdown two days ago and she responded that I was good. that does little to alleviate my belief that I am not good enough in gods eyes. but somewhere in this past year or two, I have given up caring that I am alone and nobody cares. it just doesn't seem to bother or trigger me anymore. I have been alone for so long now. I guess I have just accepted that it is up to me, that, like life, I cant count on anybody else and I am ok with that. I really don't know. when I was reading your post I was just thinking how much that used to devastate me and now it doesn't matter to me. maybe my lack of trust in others. who knows. again, I am sorry that you are having to experience life like this. it truly sucks. take care.

Relate to lot of this......
Gentle hugs (((((hugs)))))

Sometimes I wish it was possible to live in a real life psych central, to have people who know and understand all that I am feeling close by, not to be alone with all the despair and hurt that you describe so accurately.

It isn't quite the same as real life, but you are heard, you are valued and you are not alone when you are here. Hugs

((((((((( hugs )))))))))

"They" and their like have said much to many, including some here. And their words, even if totally untrue, even if completely self-serving, lodge in one's heart.

I have found no certain way of silencing the echoes.

((((((( DPS )))))))

Hi DarkPurpleSecrets, you are not alone. What you described is so much the way I feel when depression is at its worst. I feel so alone like no one cares and no one understands. I am so sorry you are suffering this way right now. I do care and you are special and important.

There's so much noise in the world, sometimes it can feel impossible to be heard.

Interesting enough, there's so many people whose internal noise is so loud, they can't hear you. We all feel alone, even when we're surrounded by people.

Our job is to find the knob and turn it down.

Where would you like to go? Is there someone in particular that you want to talk to but are having difficulty doing so?

In life, one may always find that others are in need as well. But that doesn't have to mean that what you need or what you are looking for isn't as important as other people's needs.

If you find you cannot speak up, then no one will know you are in need because people cannot read your mind or instinctively know that you are needing something from them.

I'm sorry that you feel others think you should be over it by now. Talking to your T is important as he is the one that has more education about how to help you. Working on grounding yourself is important when feelings seem to overwhelm you and someone saying they are sorry for your struggles, while it may not help you get out of them, is a way for someone to show that they care, even if it doesn't help you move forward. Sometimes people don't always know what to say other than they are sorry for what you have been through or what you are feeling right now.

It's also important to remind yourself that even if your children seem to have abandoned you, that doesn't equate to others that are still in your life. All or nothing thinking without trying to see what or who is really there can be very damaging.

Sometimes situations change, people can change, even you change as each day comes and goes. Nothing stays the same forever. People can care for more than one person or thing at a time. That does not mean that they don't have time for you or don't want to hear what you have to say. It also doesn't mean that your needs are any less than someone else's needs.

Again, if it's difficult for you to say what's in your head or your heart, those who do care are not mind readers and if you are going to hide behind a smile or whatever else you hide behind, then that makes it difficult for others to know what's going on with you. I'm not saying it should be easy for you to talk, I'm just saying that if someone who cares starts assuming too much, then some trouble can come from that. Assuming things is not always a good thing.

I'm not sure that you are truly aware of what others who care about you want you to do or expect anything from you. Take me for instance, all I hope for you is that you find your way through your troubles. I know I am here for you, to help you or walk with you through your journey. I also know that you are deserving of care and understanding and I do my best to show you that.

It's very possible that those words playing over and over and that they are getting louder could mean that you are moving forward and learning about yourself and your life and those voices are getting desperate to stop you from moving further in your understanding. Unfortunately, no one on the outside can stop those voices from putting you down or reminding you of how your past was. We can only stand by you and do our best to let you know that we are there to lean on when you need someone.

You see, just as I suspected, you were told so many times when you were growing up that you were not important and that you had better act the way they wanted you to act. It may have been that way back then, but it is not that way now. I know it may feel that way at times, but truly, it is not that way (at least where I and my family are concerned).

But it does matter dps. You DO matter! Maybe you didn't back then, but you have moved past that and are now in a place where people love you in the best sense of the word. You are NOT a reject. Struggling through healing does not equate to a reject. Not having mattered back then, does not equate to being a reject.

This sounds like you are having an internal struggle. The more you fight to find your way out, the more those negative voices fight to keep you silenced. While there was a time when it was dangerous to talk, even though it may not feel safer at times, you are in a safer place now. No matter how strong those voices have gotten throughout the last 7 years or so, you have always managed to fight past them in time.

This....what you just said, is you fighting to get the words out even though the voices are strong telling you all that negative stuff. This is exactly what you need to keep doing, even if it's just a little bit at a time. Small steps is all it takes to make progress my friend.

This is good awareness of what is happening inside dps. Knowing this is part of the battle to help yourself, to move forward, to connect the dots or put the puzzle pieces back together.

Yes, your words are being heard. Yes, it matters dps. I see you are hurting and afraid. There is always hope my friend, always. The answers lie within you to find your way out.

I know that you silently pray. NO, they were NOT right about God. They told you untruths in order to make you confused and not have any safe place to feel loved and cared for.

You are not even close to being evil and bad. You know that I would not have let you into my life and the lives of my family if that was the case.

Hon, just because they told you that you were evil and bad and that God could not love you doesn't make it true. You can make your own truths, you can believe what you want to believe. It's not easy after all you've been through but it is definitely possible. It takes time and it takes work. I know you can do this.

((((((((( Debbie )))))))))), I do hear you dear one. I'm reaching back to you and all the others. You don't have to be afraid hon...keep reaching, keep trying, keep telling yourself you are worthy, you do have people in your life now who don't ever want to hurt you, who want only what is best for you, whatever it is that you decide is best. I'm sorry you are scared. Keep reaching okay?

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