[GreatBigBore]

It would be a lot simpler if I could just kill myself and get it over with. But I have a kid. I figure she'd be better off without me, but her mom tells me that she would feel ashamed and spend many years wondering why I didn't love her enough. So I'm trapped here, and every minute is a torment. I've been in counseling/psychotherapy for 30 years, but the last six years have just gone completely downhill. I can't even make myself get out of bed to go to counseling any more.

I've tried getting psychiatric help, but there are obstacles everywhere I turn. The first obstacle is that I live in a small town with only a handful of psychiatrists, most of whom aren't taking new patients. I found one. On his new patient form I went into detail, talking about my painful history of being sexually abused by my mother and her abusive husband. This shrink's very first words to me were, "So, you think you were sexually abused?" Apparently many people are unfazed by such a question, but I was astonished. I can't work with someone who is so disconnected from my pain. Would he even be interested in whether his prescriptions were helping me? Would he even listen to my descriptions of my subjective experience? I doubt it. And I'm not into the idea of trying to teach my doctor how to be more in touch with his patient's emotional state.

I live within a day's drive of UC Davis and Stanford, and they both have mental health programs. But one of them has a weird insurance rule that excludes me. The other requires a referral from a psychiatrist. The guy who was mean to me says he won't give me a referral without first trying to "help" me himself. My local public health department can't seem to do anything other than give me a list of local psychiatrists who aren't taking new patients.

So I don't know what to do. I really, really hate being alive, and I wish I could just hurry up and die. I don't want my daughter to suffer, but my own suffering counts for something in the equation. I could be trapped here for another 40 years before I finally die of old age. That's a long time to suffer like this. I don't want my daughter to suffer shame or feel unloved, but at some point my suffering outweighs even hers. I don't know what to do.

Does anyone have any advice? If it's something like "Swallow your pride and see the mean guy," that's fine. I am not too concerned about other people's interpretation of my motivations for not seeing him. I just want to see if anyone else has ideas for solutions. Thanks everyone.

P.S. I saw a post by a person who no longer wants to live. I imagine there are a lot of people here who feel that way. To you folks, I just want to tell you that I'm sorry for you if your pain is anything like mine. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

[Altered Moment]

Lots of people do feel that way.

As far as treatment options with no psychiatrist I would try.

Exercise if you can manage it.
Meditation
Supplements
5HTP
L Methyl Folate
B vitamins
SamE
Vitamin D
Fish oil
St. John's wort
All safe but if you are taking any meds you should check for interactions.

If you go on antidepressants a few you shouldn't take.

After 30 years if it were me I would try antidepressants and see some how some way. The exact percentage of people they help is kind of unknown. It like 50/50 of finding one that works. It could change your life but it can be a messy process finding one that works and side effects and all that. If your at the end of your rope and thirty years.

I have suffered as well for 30 years. Mine is cyclical so I have good periods but the bad ones are very disruptive as you know. In the last year I have found a med that has worked better than anything. Fetzima . It could quit working.

It would have a huge negative impact on your daughter if you left her. It has been the only thing that stopped me in the past is my daughter. She needs me and how could I leave. Trying to figure out how to manage my life given the fact of depression. Not fun.

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[vital]

Originally Posted by GreatBigBore

It would be a lot simpler if I could just kill myself and get it over with. But I have a kid. I figure she'd be better off without me, but her mom tells me that she would feel ashamed and spend many years wondering why I didn't love her enough. So I'm trapped here, and every minute is a torment. I've been in counseling/psychotherapy for 30 years, but the last six years have just gone completely downhill. I can't even make myself get out of bed to go to counseling any more.

I've tried getting psychiatric help, but there are obstacles everywhere I turn. The first obstacle is that I live in a small town with only a handful of psychiatrists, most of whom aren't taking new patients. I found one. On his new patient form I went into detail, talking about my painful history of being sexually abused by my mother and her abusive husband. This shrink's very first words to me were, "So, you think you were sexually abused?" Apparently many people are unfazed by such a question, but I was astonished. I can't work with someone who is so disconnected from my pain. Would he even be interested in whether his prescriptions were helping me? Would he even listen to my descriptions of my subjective experience? I doubt it. And I'm not into the idea of trying to teach my doctor how to be more in touch with his patient's emotional state.

I live within a day's drive of UC Davis and Stanford, and they both have mental health programs. But one of them has a weird insurance rule that excludes me. The other requires a referral from a psychiatrist. The guy who was mean to me says he won't give me a referral without first trying to "help" me himself. My local public health department can't seem to do anything other than give me a list of local psychiatrists who aren't taking new patients.

So I don't know what to do. I really, really hate being alive, and I wish I could just hurry up and die. I don't want my daughter to suffer, but my own suffering counts for something in the equation. I could be trapped here for another 40 years before I finally die of old age. That's a long time to suffer like this. I don't want my daughter to suffer shame or feel unloved, but at some point my suffering outweighs even hers. I don't know what to do.

Does anyone have any advice? If it's something like "Swallow your pride and see the mean guy," that's fine. I am not too concerned about other people's interpretation of my motivations for not seeing him. I just want to see if anyone else has ideas for solutions. Thanks everyone.

P.S. I saw a post by a person who no longer wants to live. I imagine there are a lot of people here who feel that way. To you folks, I just want to tell you that I'm sorry for you if your pain is anything like mine. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Hi,

I think that the best plan for dealing with depression is

1. Check for underlying medical or nutritional issues. This often isn't considered, but there are quite a few common medical conditions like hypothyroidism, vitamin B12 or D deficiency, gluten allergy, and others that can cause depression. For inspiration about what this can do, see this thread in the "Depression Success Stories" section

http://forums.psychcentral.com/depre...r-give-up.html

For a video about this (from Mark Hyman) and a partial list of issues, see post #45 in this thread

http://forums.psychcentral.com/depre...n-escaped.html

2. Try every non-drug way to improve your depression including exercise, meditation, improving your diet, supplements, light therapy, CBT, brain training, yoga... The thread above describes an easy thing to try called "SNAP CLUB", for instance that had a tremendous effect on me and is very easy to try. Keep trying new things until you find what works. Most of these things are great for your health anyway, so you've got nothing to lose.

3. In the event that all of the above fails go to the next step with a professional.

- vital

[Altered Moment]

Also a good support network I think is crucial. Were all in the same life raft.

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[Fuzzybear]