[Rose76]

I am alone with worsening depression. I'm wanting to go back to bed a lot. It's awful hard to get up in the morning. Then, at night, I am up all hours unable to sleep. Physically, I feel tired and weak. I'm starting to believe that I've lost the physical capacity to get up and get going. I feel like I want to die to escape this, but I'm not suicidal.

Most of 2013, I was improving. Since October, I've been going downhill. I'm frantic with despair that I can't pull out of this.

I do not trust my primary care doctor. He might discontinue my pain med (hydrocodone)if I tell him I'm depressed. I am breaking down sobbing every few hours. Where I get my psych med prescription is a mental health center that I don't trust. When I've gone to them on the past, they were not helpful. I feel like there is no where to turn.

Late at night, I get a jittery feeling that I have to escape. Either I get into a tub of hot water, or I take hydrocodone to make it stop. This is not what the pain med is ordered for. But whatever will take that intense nervous feeling away I will do. At times I wish I could die to stop going through this. This feels like anguish. I can't explain it.

[Clara22]

Dear Rose,
I saw you much better in the past so I have a lot of hope this will pass. For a while, maybe one of your sisters can come or call you often? as a temporary solution Is there any possibility of a new Pdoc not telling him about the pain killer? You would tell him only about your current emotional status? I do not know if it is a good idea

[Rose76]

I did talk to one of my sisters last night. I thought she was responding to a Facebook message I sent her saying I was very down. (Very rare for me to reach out like that.) That wasn't the case. She was drunk and only interested in talking about herself. I've been there for her in a big way when she's needed support. But she doesn't reciprocate. My other sister I wouldn't even bother. She would just say, "Don't dwell on things."

I'm supposed to get a new proc in February. Maybe it'll be someone I can talk to.

I've been staying with my s/o. He took me out to eat last evening. But I can never really talk to him.

Soon I'll be asleep. That's my escape.

[Clara22]

Yeah, sometimes family does not help. It is true when I was so low early this year my family tried to cheer me up but it was useless. I think it is good that you are at your s/o, because being alone may be more dangerous, unless the fact of being there is making you worse.
I know nothing about medication but perhaps you need adjustment or change.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((( Rose ))))))))

[Rose76]

Thanks. I am taking a higher dose of amitriptyline, which pdocs have authorized in the past. It's just hard to tolerate the side effects. My mouth and throat and eyes are sore with dryness. No other meds have proved helpful.

It's hard to have absolutely no one IRL that I can talk to about this. Still, I am a little less lonely here with my boyfriend.

[vital]

Originally Posted by Rose76

I did talk to one of my sisters last night. I thought she was responding to a Facebook message I sent her saying I was very down. (Very rare for me to reach out like that.) That wasn't the case. She was drunk and only interested in talking about herself. I've been there for her in a big way when she's needed support. But she doesn't reciprocate. My other sister I wouldn't even bother. She would just say, "Don't dwell on things."

I'm supposed to get a new proc in February. Maybe it'll be someone I can talk to.

I've been staying with my s/o. He took me out to eat last evening. But I can never really talk to him.

Soon I'll be asleep. That's my escape.

Hi Rose. It's so great that you have a s/o, but I find it strange that you can't talk to him. It's usually obvious to everyone when you're feeling as bad as you are feeling now - I would expect your s/o to know this already.

Also, since you started to go downhill in October, I'm wondering if you're light sensitive and if a light box might help.

- vital

[Rose76]

It is strange that I can't talk to him much about it. He'll just say, "You make yourself that way." We used to live together, but don't anymore. He was too mean to me when I would be depressed.

Last year, at this time, I was doing well, so I don't think it is the lack of light. But it has been unusually cold and overcast for the desert southwest. A few hurtful things happened, and I probably took then too much to heart. My boyfriend is in poor health, so mostly I am doing things for him when I'm here. He has been trying to be nice. I'm getting his Christmas decorations up.

Tonight I will go home to my place.

[Rose76]

I'm not frantic this morning . . . no more tears and sobs. I cleaned up at my boyfriend's apartment and put up his Christmas decorations. Getting that done is making me want to get more done, like put up my Christmas decorations. If I can keep moving, I think I will pull myself together.

Moving around furniture yesterday left me with muscle soreness today. I'll feel better, if I keep doing things, but I have to force myself.