Feeling a little bummed out this a.m. because my family's holiday gathering scheduled for tomorrow may be cancelled. Snow is in the forecast and my cousin works for the county doing snow plowing, etc., so if his family can't make it the suggestion is that we cancel it. I was looking forward to seeing everyone, plus a big part of it is that the house is clean and I kind of just want to get it over with. Oh well, nothing I can do about it I guess.

Today I'm getting my hair done and have a therapist appointment. Other than that, no great shakes. Not jogging today as originally planned because I upped my mileage yesterday and my old body is too sore! Maybe I should take the dogs for a walk to get some exercise anyway.

[Clara22]

Originally Posted by herethennow

hospital called. they want me to be in next week.

i'm stuck between the two ends - i don't want to be hospitalised, but yet i know i need that place. i'm not looking forward to what comes after i check in though. mom and her words... me fighting for discharge or home visit as my exams are 2 weeks away. i can't possibly skip these exams - it would mean more financial burden for my family. no. i can't.

feeling like it might not make a difference afterall - i would still be stressed over school.

i don't know.
still largely sui and just want to end it all.

Your post reminds me my situation last year. When I ended at the hospital I realized that certain things could wait. Perhaps, you can skips those exams this time. I am thinking of you

Originally Posted by herethennow

hospital called. they want me to be in next week.

i'm stuck between the two ends - i don't want to be hospitalised, but yet i know i need that place. i'm not looking forward to what comes after i check in though. mom and her words... me fighting for discharge or home visit as my exams are 2 weeks away. i can't possibly skip these exams - it would mean more financial burden for my family. no. i can't.

feeling like it might not make a difference afterall - i would still be stressed over school.

i don't know.
still largely sui and just want to end it all.

Herethenow, if you are largely suicidal I hope that you will check in. I agree with Clara that, as much as you don't want to postpone the exams, they are not as important as your well-being and can wait. Easy for me to say, I know, but as an outsider looking in, hospitalization is the clear answer for me.

[BubonicPlague]

Im sorry Nick.

Im sorry I left you.

I didn't want to let go.

We could have been together.

It's not fair.

Why can't mother understand me?

[Justicia]

Life has been pretty difficult for me recently, and I don't know how I have actually survived to be brutally honest. I have just felt so alone, isolated, and depressed. But today is different. My cousin recently recommended books by Joyce Meyer who is a Christian writer and talks about stereotypical belief in Jesus and G-d and since she recommended it to me I decided to pick it up and read it, as a person from the Jewish faith it's been frustrating having to read about Jesus so much, but that's what I get when I read a book written by her. And the thing that frustrates me is that I have to have complete trust is G-d to get through my troubles ? I guess I can see how that would be true, but at the same time that seems a little far fetched, like I have to rely on G-d to get me though my depression and my slew of other diagnoses ? I don't know, it's frustrating and annoying at the same time. Because I do believe in something stronger than myself but I am not sure it's a He/She/It/Entity. I know this is not the spirituality forum, but my cousin has dealt with a lot and she said this author has gotten her out of her hole. I need/have to get out of mine because I won't survive otherwise. I really won't, this depression is getting to be really difficult to manage and I'm relying way too much, or at least I think I am relying too much on my partner. I'm not sure, but I am going to ask her tonight and see what she thinks. Thanks everyone for being here !

[Rose76]

I am doing fairly okay. I'm staying with my s/o. I'm making myself useful here. I am sitting way too much and not getting enough exercise, just not moving around enough.

My friend cannot leave the apartment in this cold weather. There is so much we can't do together. Tomorrow I must get out of the house more. I did run a few errands today, but I feel I'm indoors way too much.

[TheOriginalMe]

I am so joyless at the minute, functioning at a pretty basic level and that is about it.

Instead if sui thoughts I'm plagued by a vague urge to act out violently in the hope that I end up in prison, so I can just give up on life. Knowing me I'd get it wrong or never be caught or somehow make matters worse so I'd end up living with even more guilt and still trapped in this awful wreckage of a life.

Honestly, all I have to do is start job hunting, I've already seen two posts to apply for. Somehow it seems impossible and that I'm doomed to failure. I could just go with the flow and wait until I get laid off and then see what happens or I could leave voluntarily and take a small payout that would last about a year if I was really frugal. So I do have choices, I'm just freaked out by all of them and in some stupid way it seems more attractive to get myself incacerated than do any of them. I am pathetic, I just need to suck it up.

[waterknob1234]

Originally Posted by TheOriginalMe

I am so joyless at the minute, functioning at a pretty basic level and that is about it.

Instead if sui thoughts I'm plagued by a vague urge to act out violently in the hope that I end up in prison, so I can just give up on life. Knowing me I'd get it wrong or never be caught or somehow make matters worse so I'd end up living with even more guilt and still trapped in this awful wreckage of a life.

Honestly, all I have to do is start job hunting, I've already seen two posts to apply for. Somehow it seems impossible and that I'm doomed to failure. I could just go with the flow and wait until I get laid off and then see what happens or I could leave voluntarily and take a small payout that would last about a year if I was really frugal. So I do have choices, I'm just freaked out by all of them and in some stupid way it seems more attractive to get myself incacerated than do any of them. I am pathetic, I just need to suck it up.

I know how you feel to a certain extent. I don't particularly like this job I am in. It is not going to get any better. Today I was hoping to get caught up on some of my clerical work once we were finished seeing patients but our office manager had other ideas. She gave me other tasks to do.

I think I just have to focus on what type of job I would like to apply for and get over my anxiety and just do it.

[angelene]

I missed out on seeing my T today. (I'm on the cancellation list.) While I was sleeping, the office called to tell me there had been a cancellation so she would be able to see me. I really need to see her. But I missed out because I was knocked out. I blame Geodon for the accidental nap.

[dandylin]

Rough week comes to an end. So many changes

[breakmystride]

The holidays were really difficult for me. Lots of family drama, lots of bad memories, and lots of faking a smile and pretending I'm fine so that I didn't 'ruin Christmas' for everyone else.

Went to work today and now have the weekend off. Not many people at work today. I left early from work and it's the last time I will voluntarily leave work early since the holiday is over now.

This morning the remote lock for my car didn't work. Thank goodness it happened as I got to work and not earlier when I would have been unable to unlock the door to my car at home. Went to a place to get a battery. It works, thank goodness. The guy who sold me the battery was going to sell me a new remote, which would have cost about $250. Instead, I bought the battery and it was only $5.

I worked out and I was out of it again. Felt pretty depressed as I started the workout. Lifting the weights was easy, though. But I was not emotionally into it. I felt slightly sore after the workout. But felt much better after that and emotionally. Right now I feel pretty good emotionally.

Originally Posted by will19

Went to work today and now have the weekend off. Not many people at work today. I left early from work and it's the last time I will voluntarily leave work early since the holiday is over now.

This morning the remote lock for my car didn't work. Thank goodness it happened as I got to work and not earlier when I would have been unable to unlock the door to my car at home. Went to a place to get a battery. It works, thank goodness. The guy who sold me the battery was going to sell me a new remote, which would have cost about $250. Instead, I bought the battery and it was only $5.

I worked out and I was out of it again. Felt pretty depressed as I started the workout. Lifting the weights was easy, though. But I was not emotionally into it. I felt slightly sore after the workout. But felt much better after that and emotionally. Right now I feel pretty good emotionally.

hope you have a nice weekend

going to be another boring, dull weekend here. (so like any other)

and we've got rain all weekend.

gotta love january weather

[H-H-H-H]

Well I was bummed out yesterday over nothing. My extended family's holiday party will go on as planned at our house today. A little nervous about getting things organized. I'm sure it will go fine.

[Actually I need to edit this right now. My elderly aunts and uncle will not be coming because it snowed and they don't want to travel even though I'm sure the roads will be plowed. My brother and his family are still coming from 45 minutes away. I know one of my aunts has a bunch of Xmas presents for my brother's daughters. My husband and I decided that we are not having another gathering this year after today, even though many people (five adults and two other kids) couldn't make it. Hope that is not too selfish or uncaring but we just don't feel like we should host again, plus we saw everyone at Thanksgiving. Trying not to feel too guilty about this. Good topic for my T session next week.]

My T that I saw yesterday REALLY thinks that my horseback riding lessons are crucial to my mental well being since that's about the only fun thing I do lately. I told her this month I don't know if I can afford them because I'm on a limited budget and I've already spent a lot this month so far. I do have a trust that pays for my health expenses (plus my law school loan and a small monthly stipend) and she wants to write a letter to my trustee to argue that the lessons are vital to my mental health and should be paid for. I told her we could try it, but good luck with that. The lessons are $30 a crack and just don't know if they're in the cards right now.

[seraphic]

In a lot of ways I'm doing better, I can do more things than I used to be able to, I cooked dinner tonight and even went shopping today. I'm still wrong and I'm still afraid and overwhelmed by everything and it seems that I'm still depressed.

Well I'm busy cyber hugging, and listening to all the pain. It seems there is more positive energy going on...
I'm struggling, my dad is very ill. I've been worried about him for years. My family was a chaotic mess just before Christmas, which made me so down and irritable. The inadvertently say things that are meant to hurt, I just know after all these years, and I don't want to put up with it. Yesterday, I called my sister just to talk about that I fell night before last, and she ended the conversation about how things would look if dad ends up on life support. God, I could vomit after hearing that. Feeling sick.

[waterknob1234]

Originally Posted by disparaissant

Well I'm busy cyber hugging, and listening to all the pain. It seems there is more positive energy going on...
I'm struggling, my dad is very ill. I've been worried about him for years. My family was a chaotic mess just before Christmas, which made me so down and irritable. The inadvertently say things that are meant to hurt, I just know after all these years, and I don't want to put up with it. Yesterday, I called my sister just to talk about that I fell night before last, and she ended the conversation about how things would look if dad ends up on life support. God, I could vomit after hearing that. Feeling sick.

My heart goes out to you. It sounds like you have some very difficult things going on in your life right now.

[waterknob1234]

We took down the Christmas tree this morning and put away the decorations. It is such a depressing activity. I need to clean house but I am tired. It is back to reality. I will soon need to look for a job as from what I hear, things are going to get harder at the job I work. I have a migraine and took some medicine for it. I think I am going to relax for a bit and read my Bible.

[Turtlesoup]

Had 2 pretty bad nightmares so I'm not feeling very rested this morning. Also my daughter has to pack today as she is going back to LA-her classes start back Monday-wish she could stay longer. Feeling a little weirded out-my tdoc asked me to think about what movie best describes my dysfunctional family (my parents & extended family)-bleh surreal how messed up my relationship with my parents is. I'm thinking it's kind of a Wes Anderson meets Stanley Kubrick kinda movie-sigh. Think I will make some coffee now & hang out with my daughter-am worried that after she leaves my depression is going to move back in.