[PsychSearcher0]

I don't know what's happening with me. I Feel like everything that was worth living in life I already lived through, that there is nothing happy out there just sadness.

I now keep thinking about ending it but I don't want to leave my family like that and I am afraid of punishment (I'm not a very religious person but still).
In other words I don't want to die yet but it's getting worse.

I have mood swings. Serious ones. Usually it's bad but before christmas it was good for a week or two. It is not bipolar, doctors can't really diagnose me, they feel very useless to me !
My therapist couldn't help she was just asking me questions about what is happening with my life but not a single thing she said helped me !

I am only 20 yet I feel like an old man ready to give up. I want to be younger again. My biggest dream is to somehow be a child again or at least a teenger when I was actually enjoying me life to some degree.
Nothing very bad happened in my life, luckily. It's just me. I'm broken. I don't know. I couldn't go to the university. I quit after 2 weeks. Again. That's the second year. My friends don't understand me so much I don't really have them any more, I'm alone. I only have my family which I love and I have their support, always. But I can't live like this.

I REALLY, REALLY WANT EVERYTHING TO BE LIKE IT WAS BEFORE.
When I think about the future, of university, of starting my own family I start crying or get angry I can't handle these things I can barely handle the life of an unemployed person that spends his days in front of the screen.
I see the world as a very dark place, people only as ones that want to abuse me, no light, just darkness, pain, sadness, loneliness. My home and t he virtual world is much more kind. This is all I can handle at the moment.. I want to end my life because I am afraid of what will happen when I'll have to leave this shelter. Too many people betrayed me too many people mocked me. I DON'T TRUST ANY OF THEM ANY MORE. I hate strangers, I feel very uncomfortable with them. I want to live as though they didn't exist. But I can't. They are out there.

**** you, world. **** you.

I don't know what to do. I want my old life back. It wasn't perfect, but I had friends, social life, goals, dreams.

I tend to see people as a source of pain. Many friends have betrayed me, abandonded me. I am no longer capable of having dreams about the future.

I want to go to an university, to get a good job. What for though ? I might as well...you get the point. I am lost and can't find the way.

[Fuzzybear]

[PsychSearcher0]

I am crying right now. I am so lost. I want my old life back. When I had school, friends, goals, dreams. I had some problems like every person do. But I wanted to go to university, I wanted so many things. But now I don't want any of it, anything now is too much to handle, any challenge is too much to overcome a problem lefts me broken in tears for hours future is a black hole.

[vital]

Originally Posted by PsychSearcher0

I am crying right now. I am so lost. I want my old life back. When I had school, friends, goals, dreams. I had some problems like every person do. But I wanted to go to university, I wanted so many things. But now I don't want any of it, anything now is too much to handle, any challenge is too much to overcome a problem lefts me broken in tears for hours future is a black hole.

Hi PsychSearcher,

I think you should have a look at "SNAP CLUB" described in this thread

http://forums.psychcentral.com/depre...n-escaped.html

It might help you find your old spark. In post #74 of that thread, you'll find a whole list of things to try for getting better. There are lots of things to do which are great for you anyway. Get checked for medical/nutritional issues, get better sleep, better diet, exercise, meditation. All these things can help how your feeling and they're just great for you anyway. Keep trying until you find something that works. For instance, it is winter in Poland now. Maybe you're light sensitive and a light box would help?

Good luck and keep in touch,

- vital

[PsychSearcher0]

I don't want to open another thread because I feel bad again, so I'll just post it here.
I really hope someone will answer...those posts, they really do help. Thank you Vital for your post, I am using the SNAP technique and it does help me with motivation. Sadly motivation is not my biggest problem - it is only part of it.

The biggest problem is I don't feel like living any more.I feel like a very old, sick man who is too old and weak to pursue any serious goals, who has no desire to live any more and is ready for whatever death brings with it.
This is how I feel. Not all the time. I have mood swings. Usually once-twice a day.
Right now I feel down, this is why I post. Not terrible. If I felt terrible I wouldn't be able to post. I would be sitting on a coach, crying and convincing myself not to do something I would probably regret to myself. My mom would help me like she always does but even she can't snap me out of this state. I could call my dad but he can't help either.
I feel empty. I feel like a dying man. I want the time to freeze or rewind so I can live again happy like in my younger years.
I am afraid of the future. I feel like a prisoner sentenced to death waiting in his cell to be executed. It is because everything scares me, I can't find joy in anything. The people, I don't trust people any more. I suffered quite a lot from people, being a victim of bullying for years. It really left a scar in my mind. I wish I had someone close though, I feel lonely on my own. I had some friends, mostly loners like me, but they've changed, they have adapted. I couldn't.

It's going on like this for a few years but the last few months (since september 2014), they are the worst.
I've finally decided to start antidepressant therapy. I'm on escifulopram, not sure what the dosage is, but the doctor told me to start with half a pill. I haven't seen my therapist in a few months since I believed I am better, but I wasn't so I now I try to get in touch in her and resume my therapy. I felt like my therapist didn't understood me at all, this is why I quit the therapy...but I realized I still need her, and starting with another random therapist is not something I want to do. There are very few therapists where I live, it'd be hard to find another.

I want to go to an university. I want a degree, because since childhood I was told this is what I should do and I still believe it. I don't lack intelligence to achieve something. But I'm scared. I'm 20 now and soon will be 21. I have tried university twice, both times my depression or whatever it is would not let me stay there, I had to go back home. I DON'T WANT THIS TO HAPPEN AGAIN. And yet this is going to happen if I don't do anything.

I am alone now because the few friends I had from back when I was feeling well left for various universities. I am in touch in only one of them, my best (and now only) friend but I don't tell him the whole truth of how I feel. The others I don't talk with any more.

So what is wrong with me, exactly?
Well neither my therapist nor my psychiatrist know, at least they didn't share this info with me. My doctor said and this is a quote - there is no point in putting a label on it such as depression+OCD or something. Well I would like to know what's wrong with me, but I guess they just don't know. Yeah, I also have OCD but I don't care, I'm used to it. It's not very serious and I can self manage it.

I have no idea what's wrong with me. I've always been a little odd. I had stronger emotional ties with my family than most of people I knew. I even was mocked because of it. I guess now it is a bigger problem. I can't deal with leaving for uni. No, I can't deal with leaving at all. With being on my own. I can manage my own things, I know how to cook, clean, I have my own bank account, driving license, BUT emotionally I am absolutely addicted to my family.
I think this imay be the core of the problem. I feel very fragile and my family has always been there for me maybe a little too much, causing me to never develop any emotional barriers other people tend to have between them and the world.

I feel a bit better now. Like I mentioned above I have bad mood swings and had a little crysis. Now it's gone for the most part. Thank you people on this forum for being here.