[jacq10]

So today i was reading my text book for my Family & Relations course, and i was reading about different types of parenting, and what one should do to ensure that they raise their children in the right way. And as i was reading all of this i couldn't help but think back to my own childhood .. to how my mother and father raised me, and how they did it. You should know that my mother and I do not have a close relationship by any means, and that our interactions are very hostile and we just don't get along. Anyways, reading all of that got me thinking ... and my mother did all the right things. She took interest in my life by coaching my ringette teams for the majority of my life, by encouraging me to do what i wanted like playing piano or different sports ... she did her best, and she did everything that she possibly could have to try and create a good relationship between us. Yet here i am and i can't help but think that that reason we aren't close is my fault. And i know what you are all thinking that it takes two people to fight etc etc ... but seriously, she did the best she could and yet when i think of her i get upset. I took everything to heart that she did and i'm the one who doesn't like her new boyfriend, i'm the one who always holds back when she wants to talk, i'm the one who doesn't trust her or want to confide in her ... and yet i'm hurting so much because of it. I long for her to be the mother I need ... to get the support and caring i need from my family .... but i can't seem to let myself talk to her. She had a hard life growing up and she did the best she could raising myself and my brothers ... but here i am being difficult.

I'm really doing a poor description of what i'm trying to say ... but then again i never was good at that. I don't understand myself. She tells me she wants to talk with me, to try and understand me, yet i push her away wanting nothing to do with her for no good reason ... and i know that i need to talk with her in order to build any sort of relationship, but i just can't. I know i should but i won't, and she doesn't deserve it .. she doesn't deserve her only daughter to be so selfish ... why am i like this? Why can't i just accept her for who she was and get over my stupid hang ups? What is wrong with me? Why am i such a horrible person .. honestly, i'm not saying this to be dramatic .. i actually don't understand.

I can be such a caring person with other people, and my "mother figure" that i had for the past two years (not my actual mother) I let so freely into my heart ... yet when it comes down to my actual mother .. i can't.

I'm sorry, i'm not making much sense. And for people who don't really know a whole lot about me this probably won't mean much to you ... so in that case, don't worry about responding. Actually .. i dont know if theres so much anyone can really say to any other this. I'll stop rambling now ...

[jacq10]

I know i just posted ... but i just can't do this. It's all too much ... I miss my housemaster so much and i hate that i do, and it makes me feel even worse about my relationship with my mother ... I hate the fact that i feel so needy with my housemaster - whom i don't have a lot of contact with- and so detached from my mother who i need to be in contact with .... i just want to feel loved .. like i have a purpose ... and the only person who makes me feel that way is too far away, and the person who is trying to make me feel that way i push away. I dont make any sense ... why do i do this to myself?
... I keep thinking bad things, and i can't act on my thoughts ....

[Perna]

jacq, I identified so much with what you wrote about you and your mother's relationship and me and my stepmother's. They did do the best they could but I think neither they nor we were able to figure out what the other "wanted"/needed or were able to express it so the other would know.

One little thing you might try with your mother is just talking about her childhood? I felt much closer to my stepmother when she would share difficulties she had growing up? It was easier to see her as a regular person, like me, instead of as my "mother" who should have or who I wish had done such-and-such. My stepmother was the oldest of 4 siblings and had 3 younger brothers and I was the youngest of 4 siblings and had 3 older brothers but many things about our personal struggles were similar or easy for me to identify with. We have a beautiful Parkway where we grew up that is down by a river and has roads crossing over high above. They were built during my mother's childhood and she was afraid they'd "fall" while her father was driving under them and her brothers picked up on that and use to tease her, "I think I see a crack! Yup, it looks like it's kind of shaky" and like that. Just the whole teasing and jostling with growing up. Her mother was one of 16 children and often an unmarried aunt would stay with them, especially during the Depression, and the aunt wasn't much older than my stepmother and the same "size" and could wear my stepmother's clothes (when she was in high school). But the aunt smoked and my stepmother was still angry about a top her aunt had borrowed for a date and burnt a hole in accidentally with her cigarettes. My mother said the borrowed clothes would come back smelling of cigarette smoke, etc. Ugh! :-) But just sharing all the "unfair" things and disappointments (her brothers were sent to college but she was not allowed to go because she was a girl and didn't "need" it) brought us closer and helped me understand a whole lot as to why she raised me the way she did. That softened some of the harsher things my stepmother did and better made me understand that some things were "not about me."

I'm sorry you're missing your housemaster. I had several mentors I loved too who have died. I feel there are always people to help us each step of the way.

[purplemoon]

(((jaqu10)))

[jacq10]

((((((((((((((Perna)))))))))))))))
Thank you for sharing your own experiences ... and i never really thought about taking that approach to getting closer with her. Maybe i'll get up the courage to do that when she comes to see me next week ....

((((((((((((((Purplemoon))))))))))) Thanks for the hug

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((((( jacq )))))))))))))))))))

[jacq10]

Thank you ..

(((((((((((((((Fuzzy))))))))))))))))

[jacq10]

Got a package from my mom in the mail full of easter stuff since i won't be going home this weekend .... why does she still have to be so nice ...

She's coming up on Tuesday .... so scared