[coolryder]

Hi. I'm not used to talking on a forum like this but unfortunately its become my last resort. I don't know what's wrong with me all I know is nothing is okay anymore. I can't really say what triggered these feelings I'm having or when it happened but I'm going to try my best and explain what I am feeling.

First of all I'm a failure and my parents are clearly disappointed. Its my senior year in high school and my grades suck because I no longer care. I no longer care because some days I struggle with suicidal thoughts and on days like those nothing matters to me at all. Consequently I have no idea what I'm going to study in college next year which makes my parents even more mad at me.

Secondly, I recently ended a very bad relationship with a boyfriend that I had for a little over 2 years. He was my first boyfriend and he was perfect in the beginning which I suppose was my first warning sign. Anyways every June he flies down to Florida to spend time with his father for the entire summer. The first time he was down there while we were dating he made me feel so guilty about myself. He made me feel like I wasn't doing enough for him and that he was worried he couldn't trust me. He craved constant conversation and it was exhausting. After he came home he began to turn into a jerk little by little. It started with the way he treated other people and then obviously me. He was constantly putting me down day after day. I was never good enough for him and he was doing me a huge favor by dating me etc. Summer came along again and he got on his annual flight to be with his father. This year was very different. He still craved the constant attention but he would use it to rub things in my face such as what girls he was meeting and cool things he was experiencing. He ended uo cheating on me and of course blaming it on me as well. He's only confirmed 5 girls but I know there were more based on what his friends have told me and by what. What's worse is the person he's become today is not who I met 2 years ago. He's definitely not someone you would want to introduce to your parents. He has a girlfriend now too...it took him 3 months after we broke up to replace me. I'm still in love with the person he was for the first 6 months of our relationship. It feels like who he was has died, that's how totally different he is now. I wish I could hate both versions of him. Since this break up I have gained 15 pounds and lost much sleep. I have dreams about what happened to us and they feel so real that its like it just happened again. I hate to sleep because I fear of dreaming. If I do sleep its only for a few 5-10 minute periods.

I have also recently become suicidal. I imagine what the world would be like without me all of the time. I've never thought about how I would kill myself or when but I have thought about being dead. I don't want to die and I'm desperately looking for a reason to live and to stay motivated to keep away anymore suicidal thoughts.

I also feel guilty that I was not miscarried like the sibling concieved before me and the one concieved shortly after my birth. It would have saved my parents so much heart ache and disappointment if they had lived and I would have died instead.

I took a quiz on this website to describe/categorize my feelings and my result was I'm severely depressed. I always suspected I was depressed before so now that I've taken this test I want to visit a doctor asap to get a real diagnostic. My only problem is I don't want to break my parents' hearts. It would crush them if they knew how much I hated myself and how messed up I am. I'm scared as hell to tell them I think I need to see a doctor. It'd be just one more disappointment for them and I can't continue to do that to them.

[striking]

Hi.

First of all no one can replace you. Your parents would be crushed to think you believed this. But once known, would be elated to support their child in seeking help.

If your fear is too much for you, get your health insurance information and call to set up an appointment with a psychologist. You may have to go through your primary MD first. The insurance will know. Or google mental health clinics in your zip code and check them out.

Two years of someone berating you, stealing your self worth, and destroying your self esteem would make all of use question our value. But you are a kind, loving and caring person for having tried for those two years to help him get over his issues. Now its time to use your qualities on yourself.

[coolryder]

Originally Posted by striking

Hi.

First of all no one can replace you. Your parents would be crushed to think you believed this. But once known, would be elated to support their child in seeking help.

If your fear is too much for you, get your health insurance information and call to set up an appointment with a psychologist. You may have to go through your primary MD first. The insurance will know. Or google mental health clinics in your zip code and check them out.

Two years of someone berating you, stealing your self worth, and destroying your self esteem would make all of use question our value. But you are a kind, loving and caring person for having tried for those two years to help him get over his issues. Now its time to use your qualities on yourself.

Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful words. I really appreciate your opening heart. Hopefully I will be able to meet nore people such as yourself.

I've been really motivated to tell my parents by not just you but by the nightmares I have when I do sleep at night. I'm going to try and work up the courage over this week and tell my parents by this weekend. Hopefully I will be able to talk myself into it.

[striking]

You are welcome.

You can always write. It gives you the opportunity to say exactly what you want without interruption.