[ibarbsjr]

Hey guys,

I am an 18 year old male from Connecticut. I am a senior at a highly competitive prep school and I am waiting to hear back from colleges. I am an introvert, and I consider myself to be an "inbetweener" (not "cool", not "nerdy"). I have had some social problems since seventh grade when I changed from a public to a private school, although things have gotten better. I now have a decent group of friends that I hang out with infrequently. I have only been romantically involved with 2 girls in my life: one of them (when I was 16, she was 17) was in a relationship when we first kissed (a few weeks after we met), then she broke up with her boyfriend and a week or two later we had sex. I kinda lied to her and said that I had been with other girls before and that I wasn't sure whether or not having sex was the right thing to do so she stopped talking to me once she found out (not surprisingly). The only other time was when I kissed a girl recently (this December) that I have been friends with since 9th grade and our friendship is weird now, even after a mutual end to our short "relationship". I am super self-conscious, and even though I am interested in a few girls that I'm friends with I just tell myself that it will never happen and so I just do nothing. I am extremely skinny, which has been a problem for me since I can remember, and I always lose motivation whenever I try to gain weight. I've had some pretty dark times/emotional breakdowns before, but recently things have gotten worse. For almost no reason, I just started losing motivation/hope and can't get rid of a feeling of worthlessness. I don't really consider suicide an actual option, but recently it's the only thing I can think about when I'm alone with my thoughts. I imagine what it would be like if I did it and how I could do it. I shouldn't be this sad but I just can't get over these feelings. I can't talk to anyone in my life because none of my friends would understand and my family has enough to deal with (one half sister has major PTSD/Dissociative identity disorder, the other struggles with depression, and my brother has ADHD). I've always felt that my issues are unimportant compared to my siblings'. This was a problem when I was so sick and stressed during my junior year that I used SparkNotes on two English essays and was suspended for a day. This went on my college transcript, and (as I said before) now I'm anxiously waiting for responses after applying to 14 really competitive schools. I was already deferred from my top school Early Decision, which sucked. I was captain of my water polo team (been playing since 8th grade) this fall, and I really enjoyed it, but now that it's done there aren't many things that make me happy. Sometimes at night I just feel like someone is stabbing me in the stomach and head and I feel so worthless that I hit/scratch myself until I bruise/bleed. I would call a suicide hotline but there is nowhere that I can be alone/talk it out without anyone from home/school hearing. I don't know who to talk to or how to ask for help, I just feel hopeless. I appreciate any responses.

[OwlReally]

Hi

I'm not 18 and I'm a girl, but I went through a similar arc to you--I was a smart kid in a competitive school, and graduated at 16--then I crashed into a depressive episode that lasted until my sophomore year of college.

What you're describing isn't all that unusual, and it happens to a lot of us around your age--there's a lot of changes, a lot of new pressure, a lot of uncertainty and it can be too much. There's no shame in admitting you're depressed or struggling. Yes, your family has their own problems but that doesn't negate that you are also dealing with a serious mental health issue. It can be so hard to reach out and admit it out loud--it took me months in therapy before I'd even say the word "depression", because I was a smart, hard-working, 99th percentile type and we don't get depressed! So wrong, and now I wish I'd sought help much sooner.

Now, the one thing that worries me (and makes me feel for you) is you mentioning suicidal thoughts. I've also struggled with this, and I know how alone, hopeless and just bone-deep sad it can make you feel. But that's your depression talking. It lies to you and tells you things would be better that way, but they just won't. You need someone to talk to. I completely understand your concerns about privacy and worries about people pulling back or judging you--and sadly, some might. People are afraid of mental illness, and they can react badly, like frightened people do. (And some are just jerks, which also sucks but at least dealing with a mental illness teaches you who your real friends are.) But I guarantee there is at least one person in your life who can relate to you, who will listen and understand. Is there any way you can talk to someone in your school's health center/nurse's office? You're 18, so confidentiality applies--they can't tell anyone, even your parents, unless you give permission if you talk to them about what you're dealing with. They may be able to refer to you a therapist or a doctor to discuss these issues further and trust me, getting this off your chest to SOMEONE is going to be a huge relief.

Hang in there. There are a ton of people who are here for you, who've been exactly where you are.

(And PS, don't stress out too much about getting into a particular college. I was waitlisted at my top choice, ultra-intensely academic Ivy League school and ended up going to a much more relaxed university on the opposite coast--it was the best decision I ever made and I got a lot more actual useful experience in my field, and was able to jump right into a great job at a top employer. I also had much less student debt because it was a state university instead of a private one.)

[vital]

Hi ibarbsjr,

I'm not sure, but it might be that you are just in a lot of temporary stress mainly because the whole college thing and your whole future is up in the air right now. How about this? You could try all the things that are good for depression that are also super-healthy for you anyway? You can find some of these listed in my personal best plan for depression

http://forums.psychcentral.com/4162657-post74.html

and in other posts in the "Depression Success Stories" section of the site.

- vital