Going to try brutal honesty.

For the past 5 years I have been 'battling' depression.. But I don't think I'm putting up much of a fight as its now just the cloud I am used to living under...Consistently there to remind me that I'll never be good enough, that I'm never going to be as strong as I need to be to achieve any potential that I used to have in life. I have broken off two decent relationships as I deemed myself unworthy. Sunk back into a deep hole that now and again I allow myself to emerge from but soon feel like I have to put myself back into my place and stop kidding myself that I can be happy. I have had many moments of feeling complete euphoria but then after a short time period passes it's as if I feel a need to remind myself that Im not allowed to be happy and I push every person close to me away without explanation. I go back to drinking and having promiscuous sex with anyone who pays me any attention. It's as if I have a self destruct switch where all my emotions get suppressed and I become the worst version of myself. Then the emotion rears its ugly head and Ill spend weeks in bed just crying to myself and trying to figure out where it all went wrong and I never have any answers. This is the third time I've ended up in this situation and i don't know how to break the cycle. I can start to feel ok but eventually everything gets on top again and again. I'm not looking for anyone here to give me answers or tell me everything will be ok because I know it won't I just want to be understood and know I'm not completely out of my mind?

Hello & Welcome, Missfoo. You are most certainly not out of your mind.

Your descriptions of rising and sinking are noteworthy. Please consider looking carefully at the diagnostic descriptions of Bipolar Disorder as well as Depression.

Please make yourself at home here.

Hi, I'm from UK too. You are certainly not mad. I am near the end of Stepps programme and your story is similar to others I have heard. Many people on the course had Emotion Intensity Disorder (old and, I think inappropriate name Borderline Personality Disorder). Check symptoms, doesn't mean you are mad or bad if they apply, just you have very powerful, easily triggered emotions. There is help.
Be kind to yourself. Have a hug in solidarity.

I know you may not want to hear this but sometimes when people get like this as you explain, a good old fashioned hospital stay for about a week could get you some needed help in getting on a schedule and get you ok again, i never in my life thought i'd tell anybody that but the last time i got sick i had to go to the pshyc ward and got back on track with my meds changed and a better schedule for myself. It could help?

Yep. I understand. Perfectly well.

Think that Fizzyo is thinking the same as I....great advice....coming from someone in your area....hope you know that others do care.....Best of life for you....Artie

Hi missfoo still thinking of you, I guess you're still struggling, things don't change that fast! Hang on in there and hope you can get yourself some support.

((((((((( missfoo ))))))))))
I'm from the UK too.. Thinking of you and sending gentle hugs if ok

You're not crazy, depression is just a wild creature that is hard to control.

Keep fighting we are here for you.