[Sirensong18]

This month will mark 3 years since my mother died. While the pain is not as immediate as it was when she first died, I still miss her every day.

It's a difficult loss - she was more like a best friend than a mother. (Not a good thing actually.) She was married to a gay man, though she lied to herself for years to ignore this fact. Even when he cheated on her with a man, and she found out, she still stayed with him. (This was before I was even born.)

The older I get, the more I realize that she only had me to try to "fix" her life. She was lonely, isolated from family that lived far away, and under the thumb of her controlling, sociopath husband. He didn't want kids, but she did, so she had one. Me. (Her husband is not my biological father. She got donor sperm so I wouldn't inherit a genetic disorder he has - but I think it also might be because he wouldn't ***** her.)

Instead of being a mother to me, she was always more like a friend. I didn't have many "rules" growing up, or any kind of structure to my life. Frankly, I only stayed out of trouble because I was smart and knew how to not get myself hurt. I pretty much had to grow up at 6.

She and her as$hole husband both had lots of medical problems. As a result, one or both of them was usually always sick. So instead of having parents to take care of me, I had these old people who I had to take care of. (She was 36 when I was born, he 38.) The fact that I never got any siblings made it worse - I had no one to share the load, no one to talk to who could understand the situation and what I was going through.

I resented always having to take care of them, and also the fact that I had to grow up way too fast. I've mentioned on this forum before that I never learned how to keep up a house because mom never cleaned, except when company was expected, which was very seldom indeed. Her husband was just such a jerk that he drove everyone away, and eventually the only people who would talk to us were those at church (and I think they only did so out of a sense of good Christian obligation.)

I ended up having to drop out of college because mom went into a nursing home and pretty much guilt tripped me into visiting her every day. (It was a 45 minute drive each way, on top of the 1.5 hrs I had to drive to school. I couldn't afford a school with dorms) As a result of having to visit so often, I couldn't have a social life of my own, and also never had time/energy to do homework.

My life really got better when I was able to move out. I found a boyfriend with a good job and a nice apartment, and I moved in with him. I was amazed at how quickly everything got better for me - I was much less depressed, I lost 20 lbs in 2 months, I got a great new job, and I was the happiest I'd ever been. Boyfriend and I knew right away we were crazy about each other, and I moved in with him very fast (about 3 months after I met him.) It was pretty abrupt, and while mom told me she liked him, I know she resented him for taking me away from her.

During this time, mom still called all the time, and I did enjoy talking with her, and sharing details about what was happening in my life. I got guilted about not visiting very often - but I didn't want to visit. She was bad at cleaning, I mentioned this, but she was also a hoarder. It got so bad after I moved out that you couldn't even walk from room to room without having to step over piles of crap. The last 2 years of her life the living room was actually unusable because it was so filled with junk and clutter. The house always reeked of cat feces and human urine. I would actually get physically nauseous every time I was there.

No matter what I tried to do to help her, and God did I try, it never made any difference. I convinced her to kick out the as$hole she'd been married to for 30 years after I confronted her with gay porn (and kiddie porn) I'd found on his computer, and for a brief time I thought things would get better for her. But they didn't. She just wallowed in depression. I think she was happier miserable. It was like if she tried something new, she might fail, so better to just stay miserable where you always know what to expect.

Long story short - I'm still incredibly mad at her for wasting her life. I'm mad at her for not standing up for herself, for staying in a loveless marriage just because she had no self esteem, and thought she didn't deserve any better. I'm mad at her for telling me she stayed in said relationship for me, so I would have a better life. Such BS. I'm mad at her for blowing through money like it was endless, so that by the time I needed money for college, there was none. I'm mad at her for squandering her inheritance from her parents, which should have been a nest egg for her retirement, and eventually an inheritance for me so I could maybe get a house and a decent start in life.

And I'm still sooooo mad at her for being late to my wedding! When I left the hotel, she was supposed to be leaving in a car right behind me. So when I got to the location where we were getting hitched, I shimmied into my dress, did final touches on my hair, and was out the door and down the aisle. I was so upset when I turned and saw that she wasn't in her chair in the front row. I had to halt the ceremony, and wait for her to arrive to restart. It was mortifying. It put all the attention and focus on her, like she got a more grand arrival than the bride. (I'm not totally self centered, but a wedding day is supposed to be about the bride and groom.)

Through it all, she was my mother, and I loved her very much. I remember her as being especially wonderful when I was small. She read to me every day - she was never too busy, no matter what she was doing, to read me a book if I brought her one. That love of reading she instilled furthered my education more than any school ever did.

I loved her doubly so since I didn't have a father I could love. When I was young, everything always seemed to be his fault, and it was a classic good/evil dichotomy where she became this saint by comparison. Looking back, she was anything but a saint. She had plenty of chances to turn her life around and make things better for us, plenty of friends and family offering support, but she just wouldn't. It's just so incredibly hard to miss her so much but still be so angry.

When I try to talk to my husband about this, he is supportive, but I can tell he's exasperated too. He's told me from the beginning when we first met that she was a bad influence on my life and that I was better off without her. While this is true, it doesn't make me miss her less or make this any less difficult. I'm still hurting, but I can't talk to him about it because nothing has changed, nothing new has happened, there is no new advice he could give, and he gets exasperated that I'm still upset about it. So I just hide the pain and pretend it's not a problem. (Which I know isn't healthy, so thanks for letting me vent here.)

[waterknob1234]

Hi Sirensong, this is a good place to vent. Of course you miss your mother. For all of her faults and shortcomings, she was your mother, and she was special. There is nobody like mom. My mother passed away five years ago and I still miss her to this day.

I wonder if it is harder when there are unresolved issues and anger or discontent at her short-comings and problems, which you had to deal with as a child and young adult. Parents are supposed to take care of the children, not the other way around. The exception to this is when the parents are elderly and in poor health.

I can't believe your husband would tell you that you are better off without your mom. But sometimes it is hard for other people to understand.

My heart goes out to you.

[Sirensong18]

Thanks for the support waterknob, I appreciate it. My husband is a 'burned bridges' type of person. He hasn't spoken to his mother in 2 years, ever since she cheated on his father. (They are now divorcing.) So his view is basically just frustrated that I haven't moved on and let it go already.

[JohnCrow]

my stepdad passed away in 1994

it still hurts on the anniversary and it bothers me a bit that i cannot even remember his voice

my genuine sympathies and understanding

[artichack]

Wow...what a child hood....upbringing.......I'm almost scared to offer any advice.....I can say I resented my father perhaps as much as you did your mother...for other reasons....the kicker being I never let it go...kept a really bad attitude and grudge towards him..........to the point I ended up in the hospital....this was years ago...I still miss him...love him...but I think you have to forgive and move on....touching on those memories...like you said...younger....happier times.....am I making any sense? Hope the best for you and your family...Artie

[striking]

Obviously your mother cannot give you the love, compassion, care and feeling of safety you needed then and need now. How can you find forgiveness for her failure as a mother ? How can you give yourself the gift of self compassion?

When you decide to seek therapy you will shed a lot of tears but that will help relieve you of your suffering so you can focus on healing yourself.