my depression is ruining my relationship

My depression is completely ruining my relationship with my boyfriend of 3 years. I've had depression for longer than I could remember & it wasn't until a year ago, my mom died from getting hit from a truck and that's when my depression got worse. My boyfriend has known about my depression from the get-go & has told me he doesn't love me any less, that he won't give up on me, and that he'll always be here for me no matter what. Now my boyfriend has no family history of any mental illness and tries to do everything he can to help, but it's because of how my mom's death is still affecting me to this day is the reason why we're fighting so much. I'm trying my best to get through everyday but it's been so difficult coping with it & my boyfriend has threatened to brake up with me due to me being so sad just about everyday. I don't have a close bond with my brother & my dad who I live with, & have one friend who lives in Michigan, so I don't have many people to talk to. I'm gonna start seeing a therapist & I've been taking meds for awhile now but that's still not good enough for my boyfriend. I love him so much & I don't want to lose him, but I want to make him realize that I am trying my best & to not have him just give up on me because I'm going through so much right now. Now he's giving me a week to show him that I can be happy & positive or else he will break up with me... I just need some word of encouragement/kindness/perhaps some advice.. I don't know what to do.

Hello & Welcome, Mooncat1. My regrets on your tragic loss.

This is a sad situation. Giving a depressed person a week to "show they can be happy" is ridiculous and cruel (my opinion).

The stress of trying to hold on to the relationship is probably not helping you deal with the underlying depression and grief. I do not know what you can do, but caring for our present self is frequently a necessity for us depressed folks.

For reference:
Relationships & Communication Forum
Partners of People & Caregivers Support Forum

Please make yourself at home here.

Hi mooncat,

I'm hoping your boyfriend didn't really mean that. If so, you have to ask yourself if you can trust someone like that in the long term. You know...."In sickness and in health"...."For richer or poorer." You deserve someone who you can really trust. I agree with Rohag about that.

For the depression, I do have some advice. I had that and I got over it. Here is my very best advice:

http://forums.psychcentral.com/4262681-post105.html

- vital

Hi mooncat, welcome to PC and first of all I'm sorry for the loss of your mom, and it's completely understandable if it's still effecting you to this day, grieving doesn't come with a timeline
Really good idea to start seeing a therapist though, while meds can sometimes help, meds and therapy together can be much more beneficial.
But as for your boyfriend.........well it sounds like he's actually making things even worse for you.........to me he sounds really insensitive, and what you need now is understanding and support, right?? When you say you love him, could that be moreso you love the person he was before, when he did seem to "get it"?? Because who he is now.......well you deserve way more than what he's giving you. I'd say it was time for you to give up on him.
And there are going to be more supportive people out there...........hey, even keep hanging out on here, you'll certainly find some here!!
But give yourself time as well and work through things at your own pace. It's OK to still feel "sad" about your mom, it's OK if you can't just "shake off" the depression, in fact that's "normal".........what is important is that you are on the right track, you are reaching out for help/support. You can get there, without him.

Alison

Mooncat, you are in a difficult spot, and your closest friend (your boyfriend) has issued you an ultimatum (get better or else we're through). I like the way you gave him credit for being supportive. This shows that you are able to see good in other people which is a great thing.

If you can get counseling, try to do sessions where he is present. The therapist may be able to help him understand what you are going through and how he can help.

Your mom's sudden death sounds like it was a traumatic experience for you. Try to find a grief group to get in to.

I lost a girlfriend a while back. I thought we were going to end up getting married and she ended up running off with some other dude.

It was a horrible experience, but I'm better off for it today. Stronger and more independent. All in all, I'm a much better man, and I'm not angry with her anymore.

I remember some of the unbelievably horrible feelings I experienced after she betrayed me and ended our relationship, but those feelings did, go away.

What I'm saying is, I hope things work out with your bf, but if they don't, it could end up being a blessing in disguise.

One of the things depressed people tend to fail at, is looking after and maintaining their own self-esteem. An unhealthy relationship can form when a depressed person finds someone to look out for their sense of self-esteem/self-worth for them, (I know this from my own experience).

When we're unable to maintain our own sense of self-esteem/self-worth, and we rely on someone else to do it for us, then we lose a lot of power and autonomy in life whilst simultaneously placing an ongoing burden on the shoulders of our significant other. Our bf/gf, husband/wife may be able to help shoulder this burden for a year or two, or maybe three or four or five, but there usually comes a point when they begin to resent the burden and want to be free of it.

I believe this is what your boyfriend is experiencing. He's at the end of his rope and I believe he is probably using the 1 week warning in an act of desperation. Men do not like feeling unable fix things or create outcomes that they desire. It makes us feel weak, impotent and powerless, and these are some of the worst feelings for a man to experience. We want to feel strong, capable and powerful.

To your bf, your depression and sadness are problems that he wants to fix. Now that he sees that he is unable to fix them, he's confronted with the possibility of staying with a sad woman that he cannot help. The sadness is not fun to be around, and the feeling of powerless is absolutely awful for a man to experience. He wants to help you, and he can't so he feels powerless, and like any man, he hates feeling that way.

The key here is for you to find closure about the loss of your mom, learn to experience joy every day and take responsibility for maintaining your own sense of self-esteem and self worth. If you can do those things, I believe all sorts of things will start to turn around for you.

Your situation sounds all too familiar to me. My ex-husband gave me an ultimatum as well. Needless to say I didn't succeed in meeting his needs. Don't let someone tell you you have to get better in a certain time period. It's unfair for you and won't help in any way. But also, try to do what you need to to get to a better place. But do it for you.

Cal30 -That was an excellent reply post. I personally have been having some issues with my husband, and I had not considered how my problems might be making him feel powerless as you had mentioned. Thank you for this perspective.

Mooncat1 - Hugs! So many hugs. I lost my mom almost 3 years ago, and it still hurts. She was more like a best friend than a mom, and it's very hard to not have her there to talk to anymore. I have good days and bad days, but I still miss her, and I don't think that will ever really go away.

I'm in the same boat you are with not having many friends who live near by who I can talk to - and I totally understand how you're feeling. It feels very lonely and upsetting to still be so sad about something, and to be told that you should be 'over it by now' or should somehow be able to ignore the pain and 'just be happy'.

I'm maybe not the best one to give you advice, since we're both having a lot of the same problems. I think your boyfriend is just frustrated with the situation. Maybe try telling him that you do love him, and that if he loves you too he'll work with you to overcome your problems and depression together. If he's not willing to stick around through the tough times, he doesn't deserve you at your best or worst.

Good luck. (((((Mooncat)))))

SirenSong - I'm glad that some of my words have helped you gain perspective on your situation with your husband, and I hope that situation will improve.

I think it can become a powerful motivator to do better when we realize that we're not the only ones who are suffering as a result of our depression. Sometimes realizing that a person you love is suffering as a reaction to your depression can help you perk up and become more of an energy source than an energy drain to them.

People gravitate toward other people who somehow fill them up or give them something they're looking for, and sooner or later they will start to avoid those who suck away energy and bring them down, make them angry, what have you.

A good time to work on being an energy source is when you are only mildly depressed. Try to put your depression aside and be an energy source to other people in some way. Just the very act of doing this can help lift you up.

On grief, it takes as long as it takes. It can't be rushed and shouldn't be swept under the rug.