I want to go back to my hole

It's sort of weird. I'm coming out of my hole but I am more comfortable to stay in it. It's what I am used to. It's comforting. Things make more sense. It's like I want to be sad. I am still alone and I know inside I am probably very hurt about it. Maybe it's a strange numbness. Or it's the pills. It's hard and I feel confused about myself.

I want to go back.

...

It feels shaky. My mind is on shaky unstable ground. A light breeze could knock me down. It feels wrong. I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. Who am I? I'm finding it hard to grasp as if I am about to break down.

Who am I?

Who am I.

I feel most comfortable laying in my bed at night. Just ruminating in my head. Talking to myself. I never want to leave that bed but I always seem to get up anyway.

People have thoughts on the afterlife and I think to myself that something after this life would be neat. Though sometimes I wish it's like atheists say and that I can just disappear into a void of black nothingness.

Hang in there Steiner of Thule

I am sorry it is so difficult for you still.

Keep posting and let us know how you are travelling.

We are here to listen.

Numbness ....

Confusion ......

Questioning Who am I .....

Yes, this is indicative of the mood state you are in.

Wishing you steady transition out of this phase.

Thanks hooli

Never have i read a post i related to so much!

I know exactly how you feel. Depression is hell but it can also be like a safety blanket. Just make sure it doesn't smother you too much; try to get out and about, and take everything one step at a time. Soon you will find it easier to push depression back behind you.

This too will pass, although it may not feel like it. Are you getting help for this - it sounds like a living hell?

I can relate to your post. I hate how bad I feel. This week I had two days on which I didn't feel bad. I didn't feel good or happy, but not so bad as every day in the months before. And it felt strange. And I wanted to get those bad feelings back. I had my first EMDR session yesterday. And I think it did something. And after I left my T, I tried to get those bad thoughts and feelings back. It kind of made me relize that I may have trouble letting go of those bad feelings, feelings of hate, anger, worthlessness. It's weird to me, because I hate feeling so bad like this. But maybe, because this is all I know, these feelings are a comfort to me?
And just like you, I don't know who I am.

I probably should talk about this to my T.