I really screwed up

I have exactly one "real life" friend. She and I have been besties for over 15 years. She's closer to me than a sister and the only person to ever show me unconditional love--including my parents (one time I asked my mother if she loved me and she responded "I'm gonna have to think about that.")

We had a stupid fight last night and somehow something fairly minor has exploded into her telling me today that we're done. Over. No longer close. I don't even know how this got so out of control--to my mind we've had far worse blowups in the past that eventually we both got over.

To say I'm devastated would be an understatement. I feel like a part of me has died. She's the only person I trust, all I had to turn to, and now she's done with me. I don't know how to begin fixing this--she won't answer my texts, and she's indicated that she wants no further contact with me. We used to do everything together--we're even roommates ATM. I don't know how this is going to work if she hates me. I can't even begin to think about moving--even if I could afford to I have pets and there are very few places around here that take them.

I would do anything to take back what I said during the fight and have a chance to make this right. I also can't function thinking that she's just gone from my life in the blink of an eye. I've spent all day ugly crying--I was so bad that I had to pretend I had the flu at a dr's appt earlier today to explain why I was red and puffy. I'm also self-injuring again after being clean for almost four months.

I hate myself right now. The only think keeping me from hurting myself is the fact that another person close to my friend killed themselves a few months ago and I would never put her through that pain all over again. But I feel worthless and like the last vestige of support I had has been destroyed thanks to my general horrible behavior.

I don't even know why I'm posting this. I don't really expect any sympathy--after all, I blew up a 15 year friendship in less than an hour. Clearly something's deeply broken in me.

Hi OwlReally.
If she's a friend then when the dust settles & both of you are no longer angry, then you need to sit down together to talk this through. You need a restorative meeting with her where both you & her can say to each other what it is you are really feeling. If you have been beasties for 15 years, then you must have something. That's not just going to disappear over night! Give yourselves time to cool off & arrange to meet somewhere neutral.
good luck & if the friendship is worth saving, then save it! Xxx

Hi Owlreally, Sorry to hear about the argument with your friend. I don't think its possible to destroy a 15 year relationship in 1 hour, especially if the friendship was built on a strong foundation. Sometimes when were angry or hurting we say things to people that reflects how we, feel or we say things that we don't really mean. My hope is that in due time you guys will be able to work things out. I had a terrible fight with my sister couple of months ago. We didn't speak at all for almost two months. Eventually we both came around and we arr back to being us. (as if nothing never happened). Have faith in her and the friendship. Wishing you all the best

Hi! And I don't think you messed up at all. Friends fight sometimes. I have my one real best friend and we bicker a lot and then the next second we're good. We do everything together. She's my sister. But sometimes we have our quirks and we fight, big ones at times. We won't talk for maybe a day but then we miss each other too much and talk again and apologize.

I was once told, if you can get into an argument with someone and then makeup with them and be ok, and not feel a certain type of way then you know you are good friends.

My suggestion is to giver her a day or few to blow off some steam. Then make an attempt to reconnect.

Hi OwlReally. Don't hate yourself or beat yourself down. We are all human. Sometimes we have fights, especially with people real close to us. If you have sent her messages apologizing (even if it was her fault you lose nothing by apologizing) that may be the best you can do for now. She may need time to cool off as someone else said. But if you two have been this close for 15 years I don't think the friendship will end in one hour. I liked the idea somebody suggested about finding a neutral place where you two can talk, when she is ready.

I agree about giving her a day or two to cool off, then try to reconnect.

You are not a bad person. We all have arguments and disagreements from time to time. I believe this can work out. Best of wishes.