He Left Me

My boyfriend just dumped me. Again. He did this to me about a year and a half ago. He said he was a bad boyfriend and that he wasn't being the boyfriend he should be to me. Now, he's going back to his job on a boat and sailing to wherever for a year. I was fine, but lately he's been kind of a jerk to me. He said the other day that I should accept a housekeeper job because I have neither the experience nor knowledge for a higher position. I've been working in various roles for 10 years including management and I have a Bachelor's degree. He made me feel so low and then hung up on me.

He told me the last time, he'd never break my heart. He did it again. I moved out of town to be closer to him. We were going to find an apartment together. Now, I've been dumped, again, am in a new place, and I have no idea what to do.

I feel like an idiot for wasting 4 years with him. I feel like a fool for believing that he ever loved me. I feel embarrassed and ashamed that someone's left me twice. I feel very unlovable. I feel very hopeless and lost. I have no idea what to do or where to go now. I feel thrown away again. I feel so stupid for thinking that he would actually want to start a life with me. I feel even more like an idiot that I left town for him and he turns around and just hops back to his boat job to escape me and basically anything from the real world.

The last time he did this to me, I didn't get out of bed for a month, barely ate, and I went to a therapist I was so depressed. I don't have money for a therapist and I don't even have any friends in this new place I moved to for him. My life once again is slowly spiraling out of control. No job, no stable home, and now no boyfriend. I feel like my life has been a total waste. And now, I did something, I've never done. I scratched my face and pull my hair. I don't even know why, I was just angry and sad. I can't stop crying and I want to scream but I can't so I scratched myself. I've never done that. Why did he leave me again?? Why did he have to hurt me and throw me out? Maybe I am just garbage and deserve this.

Where do I go from here? How the hell do I continue on? I can't do this a second time around. The pain is too much.

Well, better find out the truth late than never. If he didn't appreciate the relationship, then you're better off without him. Now that you've learned from this experience, you will find a better person. Although, I think he'll try to reach you again, but then it's up to you to either live this experience once more or find a better man instead.

Don't let this relationship affect you negatively, don't over think it. Do your best and focus on finding a new job, because you'll need to be patient about that.

Granted these feelings are all too real, yet I hope you are able to hold them as simple feelings without any necessary relationship to established reality.
Yes, your pain - agony - is real and severe. You need time to mourn this loss. Please try to be gentle with yourself and allow the time required for you to regain some emotional stability.

Please post whenever you need.