[RenouncedTroglodyte]

Other than the casual feeling of worthlessness, I feel very bad about me to the degree of calling myself an alien, because the way I talk, walk, or behave in general, is definitely not relatable to any normal human being at all.

I want to fix things, but whenever I get comfortable with people, I say and do the wrong things, making me go back to my Depressing Numbness of Guiltiness (DNG), meaning that whatever I said or done that wasn't well perceived by people (or myself) will put me in an emotional state filled with painfully saddening memories, where I only feel guilty and the one thing I want is to lash myself, not to mention the inability to get out of bed at all. It's like I want to stay isolated in my room for good, even though I know it's not a good thing.

I don't think that I am at all intelligent, I seriously doubt that I am of good appearance, and all of that reflects on me negatively, which will simultaneously affect other people as well, making me throw some weird stuff at them that are brain fattening. I mean, what if I just ruined someone's life just because I didn't choose my words well? That's why I'm forever zipping my mouth, I will not talk to anybody, and that is not a surrendering process, it's just me staying safe, and keeping everyone else safe for that matter.

[gayleggg]

I've been feeling a bit like this lately myself. I've just retreated into myself, which leaves me feeling alone. I don't know exactly why I'm doing it though. I'm not sure who I'm trying to protect me or the other guy.

[RenouncedTroglodyte]

Originally Posted by gayleggg

I've been feeling a bit like this lately myself. I've just retreated into myself, which leaves me feeling alone. I don't know exactly why I'm doing it though. I'm not sure who I'm trying to protect me or the other guy.

When I experience this, unlike you I rarely feel lonely, but like you said, confusion is of presence. Although, I believe that I am protecting myself from experiencing those feelings or memories more than I am protecting other people, but still, I want to.

[Frankbtl]

Hi Renounced
When you're saying "is definitely not relatable to any normal human being at all".......what I'm reading is you've got some problems with following some "social norms" as you've talked about your autism before or/and that your confidence/self-esteem sometimes effect the way you'd like to behave, so if you can forgive me for not going along with that statement??
And you know in a lot of areas "social norms" don't always have to be that rigid.........if someone walks a little differently, talks or thinks differently that can still be OK. In fact sometimes individuality can be seen as a good thing, can sometimes make you stand out in a good way.
And some "social norms" that may be more important, well maybe you could learn them.......write them down as a list of "rules" to try to remember........they may not come "naturally" to you, but there will be other people out there who will be understanding, who will understand if you don't always follow that list, who you can be yourself with without having to think about trying as well.
And the feeling of worthlessness, the confidence/self-esteem.......got to effect things like the walking, the behaviour........right?? But you know that can be worked on, because ultimately/regardless of everything you are more than worthy
And you remember we've already addressed your intelligence and appearance, right?!!
And the guilt, the saying/doing the wrong thing...........well you know in my opinion that you're sometimes "beating yourself up" unnecessarily for that
But hey, you can always learn from your mistakes too, you really can, because you do have a lot to give. Try not to take that opportunity away from yourself, hey??
And when people get to know you, they're going to be seeing "the bigger picture", the whole you so some of those mistakes aren't going to seem that significant at all.
And I'm betting with your self-esteem issues you aren't actually seeing how many mistakes other people make, maybe a lot more than you've noticed because you're probably mainly seeing almost all of the better bits about them, right?? Just like when you make the odd mistake it can still be OK
And the ruining someones life with something you say..........well generally you've got to give other people some responsibility for their lives, right?? So generally, if you say the wrong thing, then they do have some responsibility for thinking to themselves "No, that's wrong........No, I don't agree.........No, I'm not taking that on board" or something like that.
But if you think that person is vulnerable.......and I can see you're already really sensitive to that possibility, so you're prepared.........then just work out some things you can say to make things a bit easier if you are wrong/and to acknowledge that you might be wrong e.g. "I'm not sure but...........what do you think???" or "Tell me if I'm wrong but........." something like that.
And I'd definitely say some more help with the depression, hey???
Because the depression can definitely be impacting on everything you've said.



Alison