[Altered Moment]

So my depression had gotten so severe the last five years I have not been able to work. I lost my last two jobs because of it and after that was in a six month long very severe depression and then an 8 month long very severe depression. Suicidal everyday. Major anxiety and paranoia. Nothing was working. So it got to the point that my doctors and family suggested I apply for social security disability. I didn't want to but it got so bad I decided to apply.

Of course i was initially denied. They didn't request not even close to my whole medical history. So as everyone has to do I got a lawyer and appealed. To get a hearing it can take up to a year and a half.

My problem is that in March we changed my meds yet again. This time however the meds are working great and by the middle of April I was feeling really good. Meds have never worked that great for me so it is like a miracle. Not really a problem because the depression is gone but it doesn't help my disability case. I almost wish I would stay severely depressed until I get my hearing. My pdoc says I deserve to win and will do whatever he can to help. I feel I deserve to win as it has gotten so bad based on the last five years.

So I am in this limbo. I decided the best route to take was to apply and I committed to that route. If I go get a job right now I will screw my case. I feel really guilty as I have no income currently yet I am feeling good so a part of me says get your *** out there and work.

I am scared to death of what the future holds. I have no idea how long the meds will work. They usually poop out for me within six months to a year. Come fall when i usually go into one the depression could just over power the meds and I am deep in it again. I am scared to death that i won't win the case and if the depression comes back what will I do. I am very much in this grey limbo area and I don't like it. The future is very uncertain. My family would never let me become homeless but i don't want to rely on them financially. Right now even though I am feeling good i am scared to death to go to work. I don't think I could handle it. What the hell do I do????

[UndeadMage]

I don't know Zinco, I wish I did. You're obviously trying so hard to keep it together. That's commendable. All I can say is I wish you the best and hang in there

[mgb46]

Hi Zinco, what about applying for temp. disability until your case moves further along? I've been on 6 month disability twice due to my depression. My pdoc is very understanding and helps with all the paperwork.

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[Altered Moment]

When I was in CA I had state temp disability available. I had a pdoc that would just not give it to me. He gave me three weeks and first week was not paid. I was suicidally depressed and he still wouldn't give it to me. An insurance program i had paid into my whole life. he was lousy but I didn't realize it until it was to late. i only wanted refills from him up until then.

Now I am in Michigan with my family and they don't have the same program and I wouldn't qualify anyway. I am stuck in limbo until the social security case is resolved.

[TheOriginalMe]

Ok so your depression is managed right now, but is your anxiety? I'm not trying to be negative by saying that, and I don't know whether anxiety would present a strong case for Social Security, but it sounds to me like you would struggle with work because of anxiety, so maybe that needs to be part of your case too.

[Clara22]

Sorry to be so blunt, but just get the disability pension. There will be plenty of time to look for an alternative program later if your improvement lasts. I have been working in the disability field for a while; I have learned about social security related to disability and how the system work around the world (and I have been disabled since I was 17). If you were in your 30's I would advise give a try to working but now, in your current situation, do your best to get the pension now. You are entitled to it, and the system does not understand how disability works, so... try to protect yourself as much as you can/ Having some security helps us to improve our mental health, you need that net to hold you, IMO. I wish you the best

[Clara22]

I was talking about these programs, if you eventually, once you get your disability pension and prove your improvement is stable, want to go back to work Social Security Ticket to Work Program
But again, please, do your best to get your pension first.
Hope that you can get some help to subsist until you get your pension. And if you want to work anyway, no to jeopardize your pension process, perhaps you can do some volunteering

I wish I had the answer to this. There are SO many people who are in a similar situation with regard to various kinds of benefits. It sounds like you'd really like to try going back to work. However, there are so many unknowns, as you well realize. I'd have to agree with the other posters who've said focus on winning your disability case now. There'll be time to look into employment options later on if you continue to feel well.

[Altered Moment]

That is the thing once you win your case you are allowed to work and earn up 1000 per month as I understand it. But if you go to work before you win the case you screw yourself.

@OriginalMe to be honest my anxiety is under control with Klonopin. Since they finally gave me that it has worked.

In the last three days since I got back to Michigan I got slammed with depression again. I have no idea why. As some of you know I just got back from a trip to CA and drove back across the country with my daughter. I was stressing about my car as it has 190,000 miles on it. I fixed it up the best I could and it ran beautifully so I achieved my goal of getting my car back and had a really good trip with my daughter.

Since getting back I have not been able to get out of bed until 3pm and don't want to do a thing. Why does this happen. I guess it is good for my case since I can honestly say I am depressed again. I hate the financial insecurity.

[Altered Moment]

We all here know how totally debilitating depression and anxiety can be, yet it seems the government and society only see it as a mild form of mental illness. That is a bunch of BS.

Thank you all for support and thank you Clara22 for your advice.

[Mustkeepjob32]

I also have had so many problems with jobs. I'm absent all the time and thus lose my jobs. This gives me more anxiety and I feel so worthless. We aren't worthless though. I know that intellectually. I wish I could figure out the secret to being able to hold down a job.

[mgb46]

Originally Posted by Mustkeepjob32

I also have had so many problems with jobs. I'm absent all the time and thus lose my jobs. This gives me more anxiety and I feel so worthless. We aren't worthless though. I know that intellectually. I wish I could figure out the secret to being able to hold down a job.

I would try to something in sales where you don't have to report to an office daily. It gives you a little more flexibility on those days when you are not feeling up to task. You can also work from home when you are no out in the field. I find this great for my anxiety, not having to play office politics on a daily basis. Just a thought

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[Altered Moment]

So when I got back to Michigan after a very successful trip I was slammed with three days of bad depression. Now today I am feeling better. This never happens to me. When I go into a depression it last at least a month and more recently six months.

am I having mixed states or what?

Originally Posted by zinco14532323

So when I got back to Michigan after a very successful trip I was slammed with three days of bad depression. Now today I am feeling better. This never happens to me. When I go into a depression it last at least a month and more recently six months.

am I having mixed states or what?

I can't really answer your question, Zinco. But I do know that there have been times, mostly when I was working, that I was involved with something where I simply could not allow myself to feel depressed. So, for that period of time, I would suppress any depressive feelings that I had. But then, once whatever it was I was involved with had ended, I would be hit with a tidal wave of depression. It was as though the depression I would typically have been experiencing day-to-day built up in my system & was finally released all at once.

Perhaps what you've experienced is something similar. You were determined not to fall victim to depression while you were on your trip. But, once you were back home, there was no longer a need to fight it off & so it rose up & hit you all at once. But, now that this "wave" has passed, you're feeling better. Hey... sounds like a good theory anyway... doesn't it?

[Altered Moment]

It does sound like a good theory and I think is right on the money. Thanks Skeezyks.

[mgb46]

That's great news zinco! It sounds like the Fetzima is doing well for you. I was taking it, but couldn't stand the side effects. I had stopped eating and my depression grew worse. Now I'm on Brintellix, 8 days now, No side effects I can tell, but not feeling really anything, kind of flat. I guess if there are no 'real' real side effects, I should give the med at least 3 weeks to do something.

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[ashland]

the government sucks. it takes mass suicides to get there attention. but even then they wont care about mental illness.

[Bluesday]

Originally Posted by mgb46

I would try to something in sales where you don't have to report to an office daily. It gives you a little more flexibility on those days when you are not feeling up to task. You can also work from home when you are no out in the field. I find this great for my anxiety, not having to play office politics on a daily basis. Just a thought

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That sounds great actually! What kind of sales do you do?

[mgb46]

Originally Posted by Bluesday

That sounds great actually! What kind of sales do you do?

I actually work in the industrial setting, selling lubricants, bearings, etc...company is located on the East Coast, and I handle the West a Coast. So It becomes a mix of working from home and travel. But you are able to dictate and manage your own schedule.

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[hope2010]

Originally Posted by Clara22

I was talking about these programs, if you eventually, once you get your disability pension and prove your improvement is stable, want to go back to work Social Security Ticket to Work Program
But again, please, do your best to get your pension first.
Hope that you can get some help to subsist until you get your pension. And if you want to work anyway, no to jeopardize your pension process, perhaps you can do some volunteering

Thank you Clara22, your reply also help me. I had applied for SSD too. My application was denied, I couldn't appeal because of a mayor physical illness that need all my attention. Some silly but isn't ... I just wasn't able to keep my mind clear from my treatments and been able to look for a lawyer, nothing ... at the end was more important to get better and apply again next year. I deserved to get Social Security Disability but they system doesn't work.

So I do understand how you feel Zinco. I hope you get your SSD. Hugs

[hope2010]

Hi, I wonder how are you doing zinco14532323. I will apply again for SSD. I hope you are doing well. The same to all of you.

[kathymendoza]

I hope I had an answer to this, I am also in depression but trying to be strong and deal with negative things in life.