Irony

How did it go?

Hi TheOriginalMe, just a reminder, still here for you if you want/need to talk..........
If it's hard/you can't though, "just"...........thoughts are with you, and sending you hugs:

Alison

It was a bit of a waste of time. I think the nurse had decided the outcome of the assessment before he started it. I had to fill in a questionnaire about alcohol (I don't drink) and quite a bit of the session was spent just on that task, so there was obviously some "political" agenda there.

There was next to nothing about risk and safety, which is why I thought I was there. It seemed as though they thought they were plugging the gap while my care coordinator is on leave and they offered me a pdoc appointment on Tuesday. So without any improvement in my mood I went from my T wanting me to go inpatient on a voluntary basis otherwise she would ask a pdoc to consider sectioning me, to a 16 hour wait, finally to be told we'll see you in clinic on Tuesday.

When they did ask about safety, it was an after thought, but eventually they decided that they'd better see me again on Saturday and help me "fill my day". Right now one of my biggest problems is that I have too much to fill my days, so this is just another burden making my life too complicated to deal with. What I most need is a break from caring for my mum so that I can look after myself, I was coming round to thinking that going inpatient might just do that. Looks like it was never an option after all.

Sorry that it was a waste of time. I've had that experience with the crisis team too but...it does depend on who comes out each day. It's normally someone different so maybe todays will be better for you. And if you are still coming round to the idea of inpatient/feel it's what you need then you can talk about it with them, sometimes they listen and agree....

Hi TheOriginalMe, I'm sorry it didn't serve much of a purpose having the crisis team visit yesterday
But hoping they were a bit more helpful today.............????
Maybe they were right about "filling your days".........but the way they're filled now sounds like they're just causing you "burnout" and especially with the depression.........
So perhaps an aim would be to fill them more helpfully..........although probably a lot easier said than done, right??!!
But maybe you could fill them with a little more "you" time?? Find some more things you want to be doing, and scheduling in some breaks??? Although still your mum to care for.........is there anyone e.g. family you could push to "step up" a little or a little more??? Or perhaps you could talk to the crisis team (more??) about the situation.........try to get some sort of "respite" services for her??? Considering your situation I'd hope you'd be more of a priority in getting some sort of services.

Alison

The nurse today was a bit more switched on. He was more in tune with what had triggered me and that it was more than just my CC being on leave. He also made me talk about risk in a way where I didn't shut down so I think the Crisis Team might take me a bit more seriously.

Thanks Alison, I really do value your insight.

I'm just so overwhelmed by everything that I can't get past it. I can supress some of it, some of the time, but then another great tidal wave of ideation completely swamps me. This feeling isn't going to go away anytime soon and I'm finding it harder to supress.

I'm here listening although I've nothing to contribute. You take care and do whatever is best for you, if that means the hospital, well then that's ok.

Hi TheOriginalMe, the real hard part is that those feelings often don't quickly go away so maybe not anytime soon
But you know that they can gradually go away (or certainly decrease) with the right help.........maybe not (probably not!) easily, but they can. And you are SO worth trying to push through it, day by day or even hour by hour if you need to.
And got to give you real big credit on suppressing some of it (the thoughts.....the feelings....), I really have!!
But I'm just wondering whether it might be more helpful at times not "suppressing it"/letting it out e.g. by phoning the crisis team and telling them how it is, and asking for their help??? Maybe sometimes???
Because sometimes suppressing something too much, too long can lead to bottling things up........resulting in them still coming out but in a maybe more "damaging" way.
And when you suppress things too long, too much that can lead to you not getting the real help you need, right??
And maybe with some of the things, responsibilities you have going on filling your days.......a few more "Sorry, but No"s, or "Sorry, I can't"s or "Not today"s???
Yet again.........got to put yourself first!!!

Alison

At times I thought I was doing better today, less obsessed, but now I'm back in the place.

I saw the crisis team again, the nurse I saw yesterday said it would be someone different every time, he also said I would respond better to some personalities than others. Well he was right on that score, the nurse today was somewhat patronising.

At one point she was trying to get me to agree to a little "me time" (about time too, I can hear you all saying) but then she qualified it by saying "Before you have to go back to the general c**p like your mum and dog." I was finding it hard to connect to her anyway and then she insulted my dog like that. I did tell her that my dog is not c**p.

I feel guilty for not defending my mum, my T seems to be doing a demolition job on that relationship and all the while I'm still my mum's carer. Part of me knows I won't get better unless I put myself first but it is oh so complicated and the more I'm pushed the harder it gets. I can't escape from the feeling that I'm watching my life disintegrate and that I am about to lose everything.

Ironically, at night I have far too much "me time", right I need some sleep not "me time".

Hi TheOriginalMe, I'm sorry it didn't go well with the crisis team yesterday
But like you said that was just ONE person, and a person not as "in touch" as others might be. Hopefully you're going to have better one's soon, but really well done on challenging what she said.
I know it might be really hard but try not to let her "misinformed" perspectives stop you from opening up as much, hey??
And please don't feel guilty for not defending your mum, I'm sure you had your reasons. Just because of a "biological" connection that doesn't automatically entitle entitle people to being defended whatever the circumstances. In fact it's good that you're honouring your feelings!!!
And if you want to talk a bit about that relationship..........
Just another thought.........I don't know if these links might help at all but...........links to a carers organistation:
Help and advice on caring - Carers UK
Carers UK Local Directory Search - Carers UK
Helplines.....advise..........a forum attached...........so maybe????
And you know if the situation's "more complex" than that, or not, then we're still here for you too
And really good you have your dog, some dogs can be way better than some humans to share a caring relationship with, right??!!!

Alison

I think for other people is very difficult to grasp your situation, including nurses and doctors. I had a similar experience with some variations and this is how I felt: I felt that almost all piece of advice I got was useless, regardless the source and even the source of advice were a professional. Everyone was talking about things I had to do (including looking for "me time"). Ok, what I felt was I could not do anything, even to produce a change, to establish a "me time", etc. I could not do anything. I was stuck. I was overwhelmed.
At certain point I got physically ill and that was for me my click. I could get some impulse to take care of myself. Also, leaving home to be hospitalized was helpful, because my home environment was oppressive and somehow violent (because of my brother, long story).
At the end of the day an illness was my mental health savor, if you like. But I got almost zero help from advice. I think I would have gotten more benefit from practical help (like aid to care my mom or subsidies).
For those who have not been in this situation I think it is difficult to understand how being truly overwhelmed works.
I am sending you a big hug

I agreed to getting a carer's assessment done. I was told it probably won't bring anything concrete with it, but at least if I have to go inpatient at any point there will be a contingency plan, even if it is only a telephone number.