[TheOriginalMe]

I have two plans right now, a safety plan and another plan.

I don't know where I put my safety plan, I filed it away somewhere "safe" lol and I cba to look for it.

Just thinking about my other plan makes me feel "safe".

Best not to say more.

[secretgalaxy]

I know exactly how you feel. I have two plans that I hold close to my heart...

Maybe looking up a generic safety plan may help.

[Frankbtl]

Hi TheOriginalMe, perhaps in "being filed away safe".........it's lost a little of it's importance?? And if it were "hitting home" right now, maybe you'd be remembering.........it anyway??
So what about trying for another safety plan??
Afterall two plans can be better than one, right?? So anything?? Just something?? Just one, two........things to begin with?? Referencing back to things that have helped??
But the way you're feeling now.........maybe you want to talk about that a bit more.........?? What might have/if anything or "nothing", led you to forget where the original "safety" plan is.........
If so we're here for you..........and with your safety in mind, if that helps any..........
Let's stick together on this, yes??

Alison

[IrisBloom]

Long ago, I developed a "plan." My youngest child was 6ish, so I planned for the future when they were all of age and didn't need to depend on me. Well, a few years later, I had another child and had to put it off several more years. So now that child is 20, and I still have the "plan" in my head, but don't feel motivated to go through with my "plan" right now.

You never know what life will bring you next. Stick around so you don't miss any good stuff!

[Nammu]

Yup, been there. But right now my "other" plan is on hold.

[TheOriginalMe]

It's been building for a while now. Last Friday I nearly did, but a random stranger stopped to talk to me, it was enough for the moment to pass.

Possible trigger:

This weekend it is 25 years since I made my first attempt. Back then no-one had safety plans, well not here anyway. Somehow, I found a way to muddle through. I feel like I've done my bit now, given it my best shot.

[Frankbtl]

Hi TheOriginalMe, I can imagine that the first attempt has been made that much nearer in your mind with that kind of date rolling around........?? 25 years might seem like a long time to some, but I'm sure the memories don't seem that far away.........???
Then with what you've been through since then...........I don't know does that seem like so long, so much??
But remember you have made it through so much in that time. And that "muddling through" was/has been/is a massive achievement!! And now.........things are changing..........there is more understanding, there is more support inc. us (OK maybe it could be better IRL, but......), and you can be so much less on your own with this
So the bit you've done (and no selling it short!!!).........let it count/let it help you, hey??
Help you to a better.......next week/month/year (??) with some real support. You're worth it!!
And naturally I've got to mention crisis/hotlines..........but people have said they have helped at times...........so maybe?? If............???
But if nothing else...........that random stranger......well maybe use that to remind you that "the moment can pass", and hopefully some of us can be "random strangers" for you too.

Alison

[waterknob1234]

Hi TheOriginalMe. Maybe could you work on another safety plan? Another distraction? I understand how you feel because I have felt that way myself.

You are a good person, a great friend, and a wonderful support to everyone here. So you do count and you are important.

Lots of love to you.

[Nammu]

((((The originalme)))))))

[TheOriginalMe]

I got a bit of sleep last night, when I woke up the first thought I had was 'yes the feeling is still there'.

I can't face the thought of the fuss it will cause if I ask for help, it will make things worse in the long run.

[Frankbtl]

TheOriginalMe, good you're back with us
And if you were to ask for help.........the "it will make things worse in the long run"........might you feel differently about that once you get help???
It can be real hard, sometimes impossible, to imagine yourself in a less depressed mindset and judge what you might feel/think about things then, when you're depressed. And hey, sometimes almost everything can seem bad in the long run when you're depressed anyway, right??
So do you think you could give yourself the chance to eventually look at it from "the other side", the side after you've had the help you need, and go ahead and ask for that help you need/deserve??

Alison

[waterknob1234]

I know it is scary to ask for help. But there is nothing wrong with asking for help when you need it. It may feel like taking a risk. But in the long run your life and well being is worth it. You are a very good person and I believe there are still great things out there for you to do. You have a purpose. Love and best wishes to you.

[Fuzzybear]

[TheOriginalMe]

Made it through the day at work. Nights are the worst and tonight I have to do my homework for therapy tomorrow. My T asked me to write a letter to myself as a child. I think I'm meant to comfort that hurting child. The only words in my head are the ones I want to put in that other letter.

I'm sorry you're hurting. Please stay safe.

((((((((TheOriginalMe))))))))

Try to hang in there I know what you mean about nights being the hardest, that's what I find too. Do you have anything you say can do to distract yourself at night?

[Frankbtl]

Hi OriginalMe, well you not only made it through this far, you made it through work as well!!
And in the letter your T asked you to write because you're going to try to give it a go, yes??
I'd say the most important bit is to write what you want/need to write, not what you think you're meant to write.........that way you can get out some of your real thoughts/feelings and give her a better idea of "where you're coming from. So anyway you want/need to.
It will probably be good if you're offering comfort, but it will also be equally good if it's "from the heart" as something you and your T can work on/from.
And TheOriginalMe.........you probably don't need me to say this.............but if it starts to feel triggering, especially under the circumstances........you're going to stop, right??!!
And don't forget there's still going to be that second (lost in filing) plan you can switch to re-doing. And you know where we are if you want any help with that, right??!!

Alison

[TheOriginalMe]

I wrote the letter for my T. It feels 100% fake, I think that is because although I've calmed down a bit, I'm very detached, nothing feels real right now. I'm exhausted too, so I'll try to grab a few hours sleep.

[waterknob1234]

May your visit with your T go well and may tomorrow be a better day.

[Frankbtl]

Hi TheOriginalMe, you can always write another letter/re-do that homework at some point in time if it might help. But I really don't think that matters as anywhere as much as how you're doing. Hoping your visit with your T was useful (?) ?? But here for you regardless.

Alison

[TheOriginalMe]

Actually my letter said very much what my T's letter to me said. I know that really her expectation was not that I should be one thing or another in the letter, just that I should engage with the process, her job is interpreting what I say not telling me what to say.

T was so worried about me she wanted me to go to A&E. I wouldn't commit to doing that and then she wouldn't let me leave the building without seeing a pdoc. Of course there was no one available and as the clinic is 9 to 5 and was due to close she tried to get me a slot with the crisis team, they are fully booked out until late tomorrow morning and they do the A&E assessments too. If I went to A&E I'd have to wait for 16 hours to get seen, so in the end she had to let me go home but I have an appointment with the crisis team tomorrow. So I'm now in this odd position of having to go to A&E if things get worse and knowing full well that I'll get sent home because they are too busy. So it seems that meltdown is by appointment only these days and please don't have a crisis 48 hours ahead of a holiday weekend because we're too busy.

[Nammu]

((())))

I hope the appointment with the crisis team helps tomorrow. Hopefully they will be able to give you more support to get through this Keep posting here, we're here for you and want to help!

(((((((TheOriginalMe)))))))

[Frankbtl]

Hi TheOriginalMe, I'm sorry she wasn't able to get you any extra help and that resources are so very limited!!
You've at least got the crisis team's number if you need to call though, right?? Although if you need them.........they aren't answering and.........or they aren't helpful, then A&E, yes??
And I've got my fingers crossed for you that they aren't that busy!!
But whatever time it takes, IF you need A&E, then your welfare is the most important thing in all of this, worth much more than 2, 4, 6..........however many hours.
But let's focus on tonight, tomorrow.........one day at a time, hey?? We know you're strong, but we also know that there's help out there (and on here!!!) if you need it, right??

Alison

[TheOriginalMe]

Waiting for my assessment now. Worried.