[Nobodyandnothing]

I am afraid my depression has led to laziness. Now that all four of my boys are home, I know they see it as "mom's fat and lazy and stupid and worthless." I know my husband feels that way too. I just don't even care about not caring anymore. Nothing is going to get better.

I am thinking of moving out to a very small apartment on my own if I can scrape the money together. I don't need much. The problem with this is that my 83 yo neighbor needs me to visit her and take her shopping and to doctors appointments. I know I would upset her greatly if I did this. She has no family and is all alone with her cat. She has isolated herself and I feel responsible for her.

My family resents that I am trying to help her when I don't do anything at home. It is extremely hard to try to act happy in front of her and it wears me out. I know I am trying to compensate for the fact that I don't remember helping my mom and dad when they were sick. I may not have been patient with them, they have been gone for ten years.

Am I lazy? Is there anything I can do to try and change my boys opinion of me.

BTW, I was a very good attorney working for a not for profit, making lots of money and not being home for my family. They also resent me for this. The part I think I hate the most is everyone treating me as if I were stupid. I was once somebody, but now, nothing.

[pegasus]

Anyone with 4 boys is not lazy, it's hard work. I don't know how old your boys are, are they actually saying that or you think they think that? Children don't natually think that way, I mean, they don't analyze whether Mum or Dad are lazy. Children can learn to think like that if it's being said outloud but remember this... no parent can be lazy with four and it's easy for others to point fingers when they are not experiencing what you are.

How is your marriage, are you supported at all with your depression? No support is surely going to make you feel even worse.

[avlady]

depression sure makes me feel like im lazy, because i can't get everything done that i want and need to, even cleaning the house. my husband cooks which helps, without him i don't even think i would eat!!!i think it is the depression causing you to feel lazy, but somtimes we have to consciously fight it, if even possible. good luck

[Fuzzybear]

[FMLAMAN]

Nope... You're not Lazy, nor have you by proxy of Major Depression lost your intellect. I do know that this illness of Major Depression will no doubt make you feel that way for sure.

Lets also take into account that just about every sub-type of clinical Depression includes a massive loss of Motivation, even for things you feel that you should get enjoyment from. There is no feeling of contentment or flow when the Beast of Depression is suffocating your brain.

When it gets really bad it feels as though it will never end. In fact it will even convince you that it will never end. (I should note that without being aggressive to get help then I suppose it could last forever and good chance even with recovery that in time it will return, but then you keep trying other things and eventually break out again.)

As for if you've become stupid? No way! Major Depressive disorder cannot harm your intelligence level at the core. Just read around in this forum and do you see any stupid people here? Not me. Much to the contrary. There are actually studies which indicate those with Major Depression as a chronic condition are "by in large" of a higher IQ than non-depressed individuals.

My Theory is that in some ways it is this higher level of intelligence that actually plays at least some part in the condition itself. Deep thinkers are always more prone to this illness than those for whom lack the mental capability to think at higher levels. If you really examine it my theory on the above would make perfect sense.

Then again... Perhaps we're not all that smart, but rather all of us are just surrounded by a lot of really stupid people and this gives us the false illusion that we are smart LOL!

[Salil123Joshi]

Hey! You are not at all lazy or depressed. You are genuinely good lady. Looking at your work for the not forprofit organization and selflessly helping nature towards your neighborer, I can totally tell you this. Start believing in yourself. Stop being so sceptic. Just that constant taunts and unappreciated efforts might have exhausted you a little. No problem. Every morning spells new opportunity to do something positive in life. But moving out or taking out yourself away from people is definately an option. To wither out the negativity caused, try stepping out once a day. Explain them that such comments discourage you somewhere. Meet new people whenever possible. If these activities don't help, try mild, natural antidepressants. There are ayurvedic medicines like epic jatamansi by Prakruti JiyoFresh that come with no side-effects as such. Go ahead. Live your life to the fullest. And stop criticising yourself or thinking of moving out! All the best

[jazzyswope]

I feel the same way. That I'm not only depressed but lazy and worthless. But if I weren't so down I wouldn't be so lazy. If I could find something to get up for (besides being a mother of two small girls) I would get things accomplished, dishes wouldn't pile up, laundry would be done. It just makes me more depressed thinking about how lazy I am. I alsoam responsible for others like you are. I am a hospice nurse aid, I've been working at this health care center for 4 years. I've dealt with a lot of death and sadness, I know it doesn't help. But I love helping these people when they need it. They are alone and afraid. And though I feel alone and afraid too, I put on a smile, I hold their hands and act strong for them. Its hard pretending to be something I'm not.
What you're doing for her is amazing, don't stop! Even if its to make up for your parents. You can admit that, so don't be hard on yourself. My career has taught me such patience with my own parents and grand parents. I was so angry and unsociable with them when I was younger.
Do something for yourself. You deserve a lot, having raised four boys, had the career you did, being married (cause that's a task on its own!).

[Nobodyandnothing]

Thank you all for your support. FWIW, the four "boys" are 25, 24, 19 and 19. The first two are boomerang kids- back home after college. The 19 year old is in college and the 18 year old will start at community college in the fall. Their 26 year old sister is married and has her own home.