Depression from existential dread/awareness... need help

Hi everyone,

I have been to a few forums and things now. Trying to live day by day but it's getting harder the more these feelings wash over me.

Basically over the last two weeks or so I have been hyper aware of aging, growing old, watching my loved ones grow old and die, and my own death and how it makes everything I do during life meaningless. I am not religious and take no comfort in the thought of a potential afterlife and I can't see the point of "living in the moment" so much if all the happiness and everything will be washed away by time.

A big trigger for me was seeing a photo book of lovely pictures of myself with my boyfriend (who I adore and who is my biggest ally in this fight) from just the last two years and thinking "this just happened yesterday! where is time going?!?" and started to almost hit "fast forward" on everything I'm doing - will I care when I'm 90 and in a hospital bed? I won't be able to care when I'm dead, that's for sure. So why bother being happy?

These thoughts overtake everything I do and feel. I can't even watch a movie to pass the time or distract myself because I think "holy ****, this movie's 20 years old and I remember watching it on VHS tape!" I can't stand seeing my family members have birthdays because it just means their end is drawing nearer. I love my family and friends so much and I can't stand the thought of losing my mom and dad, my favorite aunts and uncles, luckily I am the older sister so I hopefully won't witness my sister's death. I don't know how I could go on living if my boyfriend passed away. I just don't see how life can get better after my age, 25, where I'm almost to the point where everyone around me inevitably is going to start dying. I'm terrified to wake up every morning and don't have motivation or desire to do anything.

I spend most days just waiting for my boyfriend to get home so I can hold him close and tell him how much he means to me and how much I love him and need him around. He is very supportive and has been meditating with me in the morning, telling me to breathe and enjoy all we have (we have a great life and live in a beautiful place) but i just feel like my heart is shattering knowing it's all so, so temporary. I want to be here with him in this place forever and nothing I do, feel, or say can change it. I want time to freeze and since it won't, I live in constant dread

Hi littlebirdee. Welcome to Psych Central (PC). Sorry you are suffering from thoughts of our mortality. I feel bad that you are letting this anxiety color your whole world black. I am not into an afterlife, but I have found that being mindful in meditation helps me experience things clearly without the mourning shawls. I have been obsessed with death all my life. It is like worrying about the weather. It is going to happen and worrying about it changes nothing. What can I do to help other people? Answering that question has given me more joy than I can express in words. Dwelling on my own problem just darkens my whole world. But like taking off dark glasses, it is not that difficult to find some relief.

A psychiatrist may be a help in terms of identifying what is most challenging and suggesting meds to help provide a stable background for living. A therapist that specializes in your area of challenge can be a help also.

Many people who are actively involved in Psych Central find it helps take them out of their own problems to develop empathy for others. And their problems though still there are more manageable. There are lots of compassionate people here that can make the load lighter by sharing and caring. Feel free to participate actively at Psych Central. http://forums.psychcentral.com

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

I hear you, and I understand And, welcome to PC!

When I turned twenty, meaning that I'm a teenager no more, I started to get the same thoughts you had. When I spent six months as a 20 year old, I kept saying to myself "Six months ago and a day, I was a teenager", and when each and every day passes, I get more terrified and obsessed. But now, I am 21 years old (and a half ), and I'm starting to accept the fact that I'm now growing up, and time can't be stopped no matter what I do, and the idea of an afterlife actually gives me hope, and I needed the slightest fraction of hope, and I know you need it too

I'm glad that your boyfriend is supportive, and both of you are having a great relationship I know that life is indeed temporary, but since that's true, then spending it is better than letting it spend itself, making us simply age and that's that.

I know that feeling so well. I have it too and I have since I was about twelve. I don't know what to tell you.

Hello littlebirdee, You're 25 years old and just beginning your life. Your depression sounds like it's got you thinking irrational thoughts about death. If you're not on an antidepressant or receiving therapy, now would be a good time to look into these options. If you are on medication an adjustment may be in order by your prescribing MD. Don't let your depression get the better of you! You must be proactive and fight it. Early treatment gives you a higher success rate of beating it. Best wishes and be well!

Hi,
Maybe you could invert the reasoning from "thoughts are making me depressed" to "depression is making me to focus on certain topics and feelings". To me, it works more like the second.
Maybe you could explore if you have some condition like depression. Medication, therapy, and other methods could be helpful even for a short period of time. Think about it

Over time you may find this will change for you. I used to be the same way long ago, but now that I'm 45 I view my eventual death as a welcome and ultimate event of bliss and a release from the tragic world we live in. At the same time I carry CONSTANT fear for my only teen child. My fear of any harm to her is beyond obsessive. I just need 8 more years of life to see her happy, independent, and thriving. Then I can let go and come what may with my death.

Hi everyone,

thanks for all the words of encouragement. I am wary of taking medication as I have family members who have experienced increased suicidal tendencies from lexapro, paxil or whatever they've been on and I am terrified that would push me over the edge into having suicidal thoughts of my own.

I would like to see a therapist of some kind but with only one car between me and the boyfriend and him needing it for a 9-5 job it's a little out of the question at the moment :/

I live in a place with legal medical marijuana and that goes either way, either takes the edge off or adds to my introspection and depressing thoughts of mortality.

The thoughts are most definitely obsessive and manage to ruin pretty much everything I do. I was spending time with friends yesterday and for a blissful like 20 minutes or so I took my mind off the thoughts but then I thought about how much I loved my cool young friends and their house and spending time with them and thought how it would all come to and end and I felt the dread and the knot in my stomach. I fear the stress could be doing physical harm to my body as well from all the dwelling.

I hear ya FMLAMAN, I am hoping as I grow older and hopefully have cherished happy memories or grow weary of bad ones, I will grow to accept death as either a friend or a welcome rest from a life well lived or a weary life of sorrow. Hopefully a positive experience. I just cannot wrap my mind around the idea that I was brought into this world to see all the beautiful things I know and love only to have it pulled from me. Not just me, I care about this happening to others as well.

Like I think about my mom and what a vibrant beautiful caring soul she is with her own hopes and dreams and goals left. What will it be like when she passes? will she feel fulfilled and ready to say "I'm tired" or will she be terrified of letting go of the rest of the things she wanted to do? why do I worry if I feel it eventually won't matter?

I wish I could believe in an afterlife but it's impossible to convince yourself in something you've never believed in like that. I just don't know what to do. I have so many fun events coming up with my boyfriend this month that I should be looking forward to but I just can't stop crying thinking "will I even care about the fun we had when I'm old or when he's gone? when I'm gone?" I'm paralyzed.

You matter. You deserve to go to a therapist. This may be serious, perhaps you need to find a way to have yourself checked now as you are still in control. Sorry to be blunt

thanks for being blunt. It's a tricky situation since I'm in a one car household and my boyfriend works 9-5 and doesn't have opportunities to interrupt his day to take me to therapists, so unless there's a therapist working on the weekend in the area that accepts medi-cal, I'm out of luck. I live in a pretty wealthy area and very few therapists seem to accept my public health insurance and I certainly don't have enough for $150/hr sessions.

Right now I'm facing one of my worst fears, my boyfriend's closest friend passed away in a car accident, I'm feeling kind of numb about it right now as I type but I fear it's the eye of the storm and my feelings will return to anxiety soon. Right now I have tunnel vision on staying strong for my boyfriend as he expressed some dark thoughts of his own and so taking care of him is giving me purpose to shake my feelings. I just hope I can find motivation once his grieving is under control. This is the first death he has experienced as he never met his grandparents and his extended family is all still alive. this is going to be so hard...

I understand, it took me ages to get mental health help ( for different reasons), but things accommodated and also I made the click to look for help. Sometimes life is full of difficulties and we just keep on.
But at least, please continue posting here, it is very helpful

I have the same feelings from time to time, when I hit 29 I started obsessing over my advancing age and impending death. Everyone has existential angst to some degree. I can on some days at least draw comfort from the fact that we are all facing the exact same dilemma. Try out this quote by Socrates see what you think and if it is useful to you Quote by Socrates: ?To fear death, gentlemen, is no other than to t...?

And sorry about the sexist language in the quote it was just the first one I came across.

thanks, I do like those ways of thinking about death, as an unknown rather than a guarantee of horrors. My idea is that it's nothing whatsoever, and logically I have no reason to be afraid of nothing, but I am anyhow. I like *being*, I like feeling and loving.

my boyfriend's friend who passed, he was so young (24) and had so much potential, I wonder where is his energy now? just nowhere? all his hopes and dreams and potential? Just turned off like a light switch. It makes me profoundly uneasy.