[AngstyLady]

I say that because while I'm not depressed- I'm exhibiting symptoms of depression- I want to find another job- after a few interviews and my mistake cost me to miss a call back for a job- I feel like there's nothing out there for me- either I'm too despondent to either look anymore, or I'm to apathetic about responding to the job offers that look promising. I feel like I'm a failure- I wish I had the ambition when I was younger- when you're watching a cop show and the victim is 5 years younger than you in a successful career that you wish you had but never had the ambition/conviction to pursue- it's a bit depressing. I just don't feel like I had much self-worth. I'm a nice person, I stay positive- but I'm not really happy and am having trouble pushing myself to be more proactive again . . . . I wish I could just work from home and not have to interact with people for a while- laying in bed all day sounds very appealing to me lately . . and yet I don't see myself as depressed . . .

[wa(o)rrior]

Hi Friend

Seems you are more disappointed than depressed. you are actually in lack of energy or motivation to pursue your dreams. so you need to focus on getting motivated and energetic.

[Hexagram]

You sound depressed, and you can be in denial about anything you don't want to accept.

Have you always felt this way, Angsty? (You did say "I wish I had the ambition when I was younger" but I wasn't exactly clear what you meant by that.)

I ask because I have known people who say that "I've always felt this way" so it took them longer to realize that they were depressed because they didn't have an earlier, better frame of mind to compare to.

[AngstyLady]

Originally Posted by jo_thorne

Have you always felt this way, Angsty? (You did say "I wish I had the ambition when I was younger" but I wasn't exactly clear what you meant by that.)

I ask because I have known people who say that "I've always felt this way" so it took them longer to realize that they were depressed because they didn't have an earlier, better frame of mind to compare to.

Well yeah, I think I've always had low level depression ( dysthymia)
And never really had any ambitions, too many interests, always thought I'd figure things out in college. All I figured out is there's no real career out there I'm interested- partying, drinking and smoking weed made me social- cut that out and I feel like a shell of who I used to be. Thoughts of being more social again, memories of good times back when I used to use can be triggering. I think I am depressed, but I'm trying not to be. . .

[wa(o)rrior]

do you know why they call it a FACT. it's because whether you believe it or not it's the truth. we can deny all we want but that isn't going to change the truth. denial is going to make you struggle and suffer where as acceptance is going to help you heal. acceptance clears your mind to find the right resources to fix the problem. denial is going to make you mask it until it becomes unbearable.

[Sinking Feeling]

Originally Posted by AngstyLady

I say that because while I'm not depressed- I'm exhibiting symptoms of depression- I want to find another job- after a few interviews and my mistake cost me to miss a call back for a job- I feel like there's nothing out there for me- either I'm too despondent to either look anymore, or I'm to apathetic about responding to the job offers that look promising. I feel like I'm a failure- I wish I had the ambition when I was younger- when you're watching a cop show and the victim is 5 years younger than you in a successful career that you wish you had but never had the ambition/conviction to pursue- it's a bit depressing. I just don't feel like I had much self-worth. I'm a nice person, I stay positive- but I'm not really happy and am having trouble pushing myself to be more proactive again . . . . I wish I could just work from home and not have to interact with people for a while- laying in bed all day sounds very appealing to me lately . . and yet I don't see myself as depressed . . .

Are you bipolar? You may have atypical depression, not the same as regular depression most people feel. I get that too. I can feel totally worthless for hours or days, yet if some one cracks a joke I laugh. You can also be experiencing a mix state too. Not sure. It doesn't sound like regular depression. When you get that you don't even feel like getting out of bed and your depressed all day long and could even have crying spells with no break from this for days, weeks, and even months.

[AngstyLady]

Originally Posted by Sinking Feeling

Are you bipolar? You may have atypical depression, not the same as regular depression most people feel. I get that too. I can feel totally worthless for hours or days, yet if some one cracks a joke I laugh. You can also be experiencing a mix state too. Not sure. It doesn't sound like regular depression. When you get that you don't even feel like getting out of bed and your depressed all day long and could even have crying spells with no break from this for days, weeks, and even months.

Yeah, I have definitely started to accept over the past several months that I may have undiagnosed bipolar disorder. Usually I go in between feeling positive and maintaining a happy outlook to being angry and agitated. on occasion I get tearful and depressed like this- it usually slowly builds up over the course of a few days (whether its agitated/manic symptoms or melencholy/dysthymia like symptoms) and then hits a peak over the course of one day and then the next day I am back to feeling 'normal' for a good week or two and then it builds up again.
Its nnoying because during the 'peak' my mind is so severely agitated or depressed that thinking clearly about why I'm feeling like this isn't always an option. It's only once my emotions start returning to normal that I realize this- but I think the more this happens the more I can get a handle on things- again- I used to self medicate for a long time- smoked weed on a nearly daily basis for about 12 years . . . I guess it takes time to recover- get used to things . . . and apparently the fact that I have bipolar disorder- which by the way I've thought I've had for several years now but could never get diagnosed. I'm tired of trying- maybe if I can find a better job with good insurance- because deal with it with a pdoc is an expensivehassle- and I usually don't think they know what they're doing- I think personally the best way to get diagnosed is to have a B.A. in psychology (like I do) so you'll be able to recognize your symptoms and have a good idea of what to diagnose yourself with and treat yourself accordingly. . .. .

[Sinking Feeling]

Unfortunately bipolar follows no rule book, and seems it can do whatever it wants and when ever it wants. It's difficult to tell the difference between mixed episodes, ultra rapid cycling or manic!

To further complicate things I get 2 different manic phases. Hypermanic, and manic. But it isn't always being full of joy! I can be extremely irritable, bursts of rage, then be ok, racing thoughts. I feel cheated out of the "high" one expects when hypomanic or manic. Lately it seems I get the bad manic episodes, which is often confused with borderline personality disorder. Indeed I might have both or there may not really be that much of a difference to matter. Again there are really no rules, and much of it is guess work. Definitely in the bipolar spectrum, possible borderline. Best wishes to you!

[AngstyLady]

Re: Sinking Feeling:
That's so me! Podcast in the past have often thought I might have borderline personality disorder- but I keep monitoring my symptoms- as well as taking the depression, mania and bipolar quizzes.