[ErinBear]

Tomorrow I see my therapist. Originally, we had terminated about a week and a half ago. I talked with him on the telephone on Friday. We are still going to terminate by mutual decision, but I guess we'll meet tomorrow and talk again. I'm not exactly sure what will come of that, or how it will go. Maybe we will meet a couple of times while I try to come up with an alternate plan. Or not. I don't know right now.

Things are so bad right now. I don't know what to think. The depression is really severe right now, and I have been doing all of the things I know to help it get better. Medications don't seem to work in my case, and I can't afford them, nor can I afford to see a psychiatrist to keep trying them out. I guess I've tried 15-20 medications, alone and in combinations, and the last combination of them was even causing liver malfunction. I was in the hospital twice this winter for depression, and we did ECT treatments. I am still having trouble with really deep depression. I don't have money to go back into the hospital, which the psychologist keeps suggesting, but even if I did, I realize there isn't a lot of hope there either, at least for me. I know what they can provide, and there isn't anything there which would help in my case, and then I'd have more big bills to add to the ones I have now and am having trouble paying. And I'd still have this really severe depression after I got back home.

If I tried to find another T, I'm not sure how that would improve the situation. I did work with a T in the past, and we had a really good working relationship, and he moved away last spring. But since then I haven't been able to find one with whom I seemed to have a good connection. It seems like it is hard to even imagine trying again, or trusting again.....hard to imagine even going through the process all over again of trying to search for another counselor/T and trying to talk out loud, and....well...trust....and I honestly don't know if I can really do this another time. It is scary anyway and it is scary when this keeps happening over and over and over and over and over and....... I don't know if I can do this again. Or even if it is a smart idea to trust any more counselors/Ts/mental health people again after all of this.

I guess if there are folks out there who have had trouble with various mental health people quitting, how did you get through it? Did you just decide to try to deal with the depression independently finally? If you finally found another T and you were able to trust them again, how did you talk yourself through it?

Thanks for listening, needed to write somewhere.

Take care,
ErinBear

((( Erin )))

Have you thought about support groups? At least it might help you hold on until you can figure something out.

I understand how hard it will be to "start over," but I really think you need to find someone. I say this from a concerned, caring heart.

[Wants2Fly]

Wow, Erin, that is so scary. I've never had a T cut me loose like that. This is the second case like this that I've responded to, today. I do so pray that you find a support group or some kind of support to see you through. And here, of course.

Hugs and hugs and hugs.

[ErinBear]

Hi Petunia,

Thanks for your note. Yes, I've looked into support groups here. The choices seem sort of limited at least in terms of depression support. Most of them are a great distance away, and unfortunately I don't have a car and public transit doesn't go there. There are support groups in town for substance abuse and some other specific concerns, which is great and I'm glad those groups exist, but those aren't the issues I'm facing.

Still not sure about trying talk to another T, but maybe it will seem clearer tomorrow after I talk to this T. I don't know.

Thanks for listening, Petunia. I appreciate it a whole bunch. (((Petunia))))

Take care,
ErinBear

[ErinBear]

Thanks so much for the support and caring, Wants2Fly. I appreciate it so much. And by the way I love the penguins on your avatar - I have penguins and bears all over my apartment <G>

Thanks for listening.

Take care,
ErinBear