I think I'm trusting her.

I've idealized T for a long time. Last session it felt different.

During the holiday break two things happened. One was that I called her cell phone when I was distressed and when she answered I felt like I was intruding on her personal space and I didn't like the way that felt at all. It was a normal call and she asked if I'd been able to get out. I did go out the next day. I decided I was going to just do that and see if it helped. It did and when I told her about it in session she said it sounded like I was able to trust her. That my deciding that her suggestion might have merit, I was trusting her more. yes yes yes I think so too.

Before that, I'd decided I was going to just go in there and say anything and everything from now on. I know that's how it's supposed to be but I've been holding back and censoring. Resistance and fear of losing the good mother and all that.

It worked, though I was sure I'd chicken out once again. I was able to just open my mouth and let whatever come out. Started with the holidays and what I'd been doing and it went from there. Wasn't so hard.

At one point she used the innocent word "obedient" and I just clammed up and my mind shut down. Could not come up with ANYTHING to say. It was embarrasing for sure and has happened before, but this time I wasn't going to let it get in the way. So I laughed and said that word shut me down and I have no idea why. We went on from there, exploring that a bit. Then I told her about a dream I'd had, a terrifying dream that woke me up, my heart pounding from terror. In the dream, to get away from someone, I'd had to leave my cat behind in my apartment. I'd left my apartment to get away and couldn't go back. I was on the streets and talking on a cell phone to the person I was escaping from. He was furious and was heading to my apartment to see if I was there. I knew he was going to kill my beloved cat when he got there and I couldn't do anything about it even though I was sure he would find me somehow and do the same to me. In the dream, on the streets, every car was him and every second could be the second he would find me..

The dream is more concrete than metaphorical. We talked about the dream and the real life situation. T was wonderful. I felt a protective presence in her. I felt very vulnerable, but I didn't feel like a child. I just felt vulnerable, and she made me feel safe.

It feels like a turning point. It's like I've been showing her the table of contents of the book of my life and I've now opened up the book and selected a chapter to explore. It feels more real and even better than idealizing (but I'm not giving that up yet! lol)

I think I've let her in. I think I am definitely trusting her more. This is amazing me, as I wasn't sure it could happen.

That's great, Echos. Doesn't that feel so good? And it gets better.
I decided early in my therapy to be as open and honest as I could. It can be really difficult at times, but well worth it.
But I still struggle with calling her when i should. At most i will call and leave a message that I would like to come in to see her.

Keep up the great work!!!!!

ECHOES, that sounds like a wonderful session. What strength and resolve you showed to just let yourself trust her and be safe.

I loved this line:
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I felt very vulnerable, but I didn't feel like a child. I just felt vulnerable, and she made me feel safe.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I feel like that in therapy too. What an experience!

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ECHOES said:

At one point she used the innocent word "obedient" and I just clammed up and my mind shut down. Could not come up with ANYTHING to say. It was embarrasing for sure and has happened before, but this time I wasn't going to let it get in the way. So I laughed and said that word shut me down and I have no idea why. We went on from there, exploring that a bit.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I like this, yes it shows that you remained self-confident and related to T on an adult to adult basis, thats koolll!

Wonderful, Echoes. I think you'll move much faster (and more enjoyably) now in therapy. Great phone call. I had a similar situation where I called T to tell her I might be late arriving at a session (I wasn't) because of traffic. That made me feel more connected to her, and made being late not the horrible thing it had been in the past. But things starting happening faster after that deliberate/chosen call.

((((((((((( ECHOES ))))))))))))

Echoes,
It sounds like you've made alot of progress in therapy! I'm so happy for you It's scary to go in and say whatever is on your mind! You'll feel so much better when you tell your T the things that you have been afraid of telling her and experience a nonjudgemental, understanding response. You're being so courageous! It is so wonderful that you feel that the real T is better than the idealized T. I've also heard from others that it is better also. This gives me hope that I will one day find the real T not so scary and be able to let the idealized T go. Thanks for sharing your progress with us. It's such an inspiration!

Hi Echoes,

It sounds like you truly have rounded a bend in the road, so to speak. Good work!

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It's like I've been showing her the table of contents of the book of my life and I've now opened up the book and selected a chapter to explore.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I love this metaphor. Now, did you select the chapter consciously or unconsciously? And are the chapters fixed or could it be one of those choose your own adventure books where the ending can change depending on what the character does next?

It is amazing that the longer we stick with the process, the more trust we develop and the safer we feel, and the more we are able to open up and share and also accept boundaries. You know, I've always felt and believed that ultimately the boundaries make me feel safe so this whole experience is circular....

Peace.

Thank you , sister, and I LOVED those choose-your-own adventure books and read them to my son! thanks for that reminder

The chapter was actually chosen unconsciously by my dream. I could have said I didn't know what the dream was about or kept it to a dream about therapy, but I chose to let her in and tell her about the IRL events.

Something that came out was that I think that everyone has a dark evil terrifying side to them and it will come out sooner or later, and that the closer I get to them the more likely it is that it will come out.

She asked very gently if I thought that about her. And there I was back in the "deer caught in the headlights" stupor again. But I was able to recover and say that I did think that about her in that I worry I will disgust her and she will send me packing.

I guess therapy is like a choose-your-own adventure in that we are choosing a different ending via therapy.

ECHOES
Glad to here you are making progress. Run with it.