[mulan]

I don't use this forum frequently, but I want to share some conclusions I have been getting to. My post is big and I am not sure if I really want people to read this or even to give some feedback. But any way, here it goes.

I don't know why I am this way, but it makes me think I'm not a full person. I'm half what a person should be. I'm empty of conection with the outside world, I am empty of goals. I am just someone who is physically here.

I don't know if there is anybody out there who feel the same as I do. You may think you do by my description, but it is not the same as actually feeling it.

I live ignoring the world and myself. Free of any existence as if I was the only human alive and even I didn't know I was an human being.

Life like this is awfall, but worst than feeling like this and have no porpuse in life is imagining what I am loosing and what I will never experience. I will never know what is true frendship, true love, true happiness.

The things that make the human specie so unique, I will never know how they feel like. In 23 years of my existence I never did.

I think the major porpuse of life is conecting with other people, having a social network, having close ones that can help us go through the motions of life, someone we could share our happiness with.

But the way I feel about the world just keeps getting worse. When I imagine how my life will be like in some years I imagine someone strugling to keep his professional life (by many reasons) and I imagine myself alone, maybe a pet I won't care about.
This is a dark view, but I think it's a pretty acurated one. If the future was today it would be like this, and I have no hint that things will change for me.

I think this is like a condition I have to live all my life with. I don't see this feelings as depression consequences since there are many things that doesn't fit...

[cloudyn808]

Ohhh... Such sadness- unfortunately, I understand. I'm sorry your life is so painful. I hope you find some relief soon. Be kind and gentle with yourself during this time & know there are many here who care about how you feel...

[Lika Li]

I feel the same, mulan.

[Clara22]

Hi Mulan,
Thank you for this post. I always enjoy reading your posts. You are intelligent and self-aware. I do not believe you are a half of a person. You are a full person. Certainly, you are different than the majority of your peers, but that does not mean you are worthless. On the contrary, you have the right to exist on equal basis with others.
It is not your fault that psychology has not helped you. I bet you have a condition that can be explained, you can get clues about your behavior and personality including tips to adjust your environment or yourself in a way you enjoy living more than now. The issue is that you do not know what is going on with you really , you do not get appropiate assistance and then you are going in circles.
Perhaps your family is having problems to recognize you are having a condition and, consequently perhaps they will not be of help. Perhaps you will have to do this by yourself. Something will have to be done, somebody will have to do something otherwise you will become more and more isolated. This somebody will have to be you. Sooner or later you will have to search and research about the best assistance for you, ways to structure your daily life so it is less stressful, ways to help you to connect better with others. Your life could be better, it is just you may need better professional orientation.
I send you a big hug

[wa(o)rrior]

Hi friend

mind is very complex in nature. mind controls everything. if you can't connect with people it means your mind gives you thoughts that either they won't like you or you don't like them. if you feel that you can't experience and enjoy life as it was meant to be, it is again your mind which is giving you those thoughts.

learn to nourish your mind and if you can't do it alone seek professional help. it may or may not work but it really worth a try.

[Rohag]

Hello, Mulan! I do not believe we have the same experience, but there are similarities. I have become detached from most of society and social life. Even earlier, I never completely "fit in".

Originally Posted by mulan

I'm empty of connection with the outside world...
I think the major purpose of life is connecting with other people...

The ability to effectively connect with people is critical to social integration. If one's social capacities are impaired for whatever reason, then that person is at a disadvantage and is in danger of isolation.

It is nevertheless possible for the disconnected to carve out niches for themselves. It happens, but I certainly have no magic formula.

Originally Posted by Clara22

I bet you have a condition that can be explained, you can get clues about your behavior and personality including tips to adjust your environment or yourself in a way you enjoy living more than now.

I agree with Clara22. A greater measure of life satisfaction may be possible for you with the right assistance.

[Fuzzybear]