I don't know what to start with...
I feel like everything is falling apart. Medically I am diagnosed with Clinical depression/ Generalized anxiety, and PTSD... Since I was 7/8 years old. I've been abused most of my life especially from a therapist I thought I trusted.
I also have hemophilia and it destroys me every single day. I don't have many people to talk to and when I do they just leave me.
I tried getting together with old friends but they don't want me to..
I was in the hospital 2 times this week for anxiety related reasons (passing out). I texted my therapist the first time and he texted back.. Texted him again when I was in the ER a second time with no response. I feel like a waste of time. Nobody likes me. Therapy is pointless I've been through so many therapists I just want to give up. Every night I cry myself to sleep. My head always hurts.

I have obsessive thoughts about the abuse in my past. When they go through my head I get so overwhelmed and numb. I just want to throw up..

I don't sit around and feel sorry for myself. I exercise, I hike, I go out as much as possible but I just don't know.

I recently turned 19 and Since I was little I told myself it will get better once I turn 18 but it never did.

I just wanted to let this out I am sorry.
I am not suicidal or anything. Just overwhelmed and lonely. All I have is my therapist.

You have all of the good people here too.

[Frankbtl]

Hi psychmajor,

I'm sorry you're finding things so hard and feeling so alone
So thankyou for feeling able to share with us

Your T..........you know there's every chance they were busy and unable to respond the second time you texted, it really didn't need to be anything personal that they didn't respond
But from what you say, things aren't going well with them in general?? I'm wondering if they, or some of the other T's you've tried, actually specialise in trauma counselling??? If they don't I'd say it may be time to look for one who does, finding the right T can sometimes help a lot.
If you can't find another T right now though, maybe you could add some hotlines into your network of support???
I don't know if the ones below might help, but there are a lot out there to chose from, so.......
Hotline / Crisis Numbers - PTSD Foundation of America | Combat Trauma Support Groups, Camp Hope Houston, Warrior Shield Fort Hood, Warrior's Shield Radio
Call Our Hotlines

And the people who walk away from you, I know it may hurt, leave you feeling empty, "not good enough"...........but that says a lot more about them than about you, not all people are going to be like that
And maybe more therapy will help in that area too e.g. in finding allowing people into your life who actually do care, in recognizing and walking away from people who may purely be in it for themselves and may ultimately hurt you, IF you're in those kinds of situations........otherwise it might help e.g. in you feeling more confident in yourself, lessening the value you place on yourself depending on others..............

It is really good that you're trying to change things for yourself though/trying to "breakthrough", real respect!!!
And although those things may not seem to be helping a lot at times right now, they really do matter. So keep on trying
Just that recovery rarely has a timeline on it..........but with the right support and in working through things at your own pace, things can become easier........so give yourself some time, hey?? And keep on reaching out for the support you need.

And.........again.......thankyou for sharing with us, hopefully you can find some of the support you need on here.



Alison

[waterknob1234]

Love and hugs to psychmajor