Expendable

So I don't know if this post is in the proper spot because I don't consider myself really fully depressed. I used struggle with depression but I'd like to believe I came out the other side.

For a long time I cried on my way into work and every night before bed but I slowly got myself out of those habits and started re-enforcing positive, healthy habits and I don't cry in the car and I go to sleep soundly now.

The only thing that still haunts me is this deep and uncontrollable fear of being expendable. One of the hardest things for me and most crippling feeling while I was severely depressed was the feeling of being utterly invisible. That no one knew I cried all the time and that it took all the luck in the world to will myself out of bed everyday. I push myself way harder to be good at school or work as if I'm proving to myself that I'm not depressed and worthless anymore.

My boss and parents and friends and fiance and everyone consistently tell me that I'm unique and treasured and irreplaceable, but I don't believe it myself. I consistently feel that they deserve someone better because I still feel rather invisible and not really worth knowing. But on the other hand, I know myself to be interesting and kind-hearted and funny. It's as if I only half-accept who I am, for example my job is as a barista and I'm a damn good barista, I'm probably one of the best baristas I know and I have great passion for my job and in coffee and yet some days I feel overwhelmed that if I don't push myself to become the best I'll just go back to crying in my car and being invisible.

Does anyone else feel this way?

I've had my days, for sure.

I think everyone feels this way from time to time. My opinion is that we forget to take stock of purpose in our lives. People tell us we are good at what we do or that we are necessary, we take stock of things we are good at. Unless we assign some sort of purpose to that, its easy to lose track of our worth. Being a good barista is a good aim but there is also a purpose attached to that. Serving others, building a skill that culminates in a better offering and a feeling of self worth, providing a memorable experience to customers and giving meaning to a business are all purposeful. Remember the result of what you are good at or striving for. The purpose. It's more difficult to feel expendable when you understand the purpose of your efforts. It is also easier to see your useful place in the world around you. That's my 2 cents anyway.

Hold on to this. I do think, even though I just met you today, that you're indeed a darn good barista.

Always look up. Appreciate what you see up there. Discover more starting from what you already have.

What do you think triggered your depression? I think it's about time to deal with it. Confront it with the purpose of rediscovering your worth and moving forward.

And listen to Paul. Beautiful words: