[michigan_avenue]

I'm posting this in the depression forum because I was diagnosed with depression about 10 years ago and it's been something that I've been dealing with since then. I'm going to try to explain what I've been experiencing over the last... shoot, as long as I can remember in my post-puberty existence. Anyways, my point is, does anyone else experience this? Or have you?

Basically, I flip out. Like flip the eff out. I feel like a tornado barreling through a town. Sometimes it starts as me already being anxious/agitated/worried about something (which is almost always) and a disagreement with my mom can quickly escalate into an all-out battle. My voice goes from projected, to yelling and I'm talking over her, telling her she's not listening to me -- then before I know it, I'm screaming, "You'll be rid of me in a few months! I'll be out of your hair!" Or something related to that, years ago, it was that I was moving out or that I was running away when I was much younger. I continue to think she's not listening/understanding me and I will scream at the top of my lungs, a scream that you can only produce when you're in this state -- sometimes I'll scream "mom!", sometimes "listen to me!" Meanwhile, inside, I'm feeling these overwhelming urges to punch something, anything, smack myself, punch myself and break my nose, throw things -- that's usually when the irate screaming happens to sort of keep myself from damaging anything (although it doesn't always happen). In the past, I've thrown things at her, I've never hit HER, but I will say, "I want to break your glasses," or something along those lines. When I start to scare her and she's trying to walk away from me, I'll follow her, usually crying, trying to reason with her. If she goes in her room and shuts the door, I'll collapse on the landing and cry and cry and cry.

There are other times, usually involving my sister, where I will chase her around the house. Most recently, we were on our way to breakfast, I was trying to fix the air freshener on my rear view mirror at a stop sign and this guy went around me. I started swearing at him and I literally wanted to chase him down and ram him. Instead, my sister told me if I didn't stop, we weren't going to breakfast. That set me off. I immediately floored it down the side street, while she was telling me to stop so she could get out of the car, but I refused. I turned the corner and ran my tire up on the curb and told her to get out. I squealed off and she began to walk home. By time she got home, I had had time to stew -- I felt abandoned when she said she didn't want to go -- so when she walked in, she and my mom were telling me I needed help, blah blah blah, so I flipped the recliner, I threw my sister's keys at her, I was doing that wild screaming thing, saying who knows what, crying, screaming, raging about nothing in particular but everything at the same time. I probably chased her around the house just screaming, but I'm not sure. I managed to calm down a bit and while they were telling me how concerned they were, I almost wanted to laugh. Not how you laugh at a joke, but this weird, not me laugh.

These are only two of the most recent incidents -- both within the last couple months. It comes in waves. I'll go a few months, even a year or more without an incident, but they seem to get worse. Sometimes it takes me forever to relax and get out of that horrible, horrible place. Other times, I can bounce back relatively quickly. There are other, less explosive times, where I get this overwhelming feeling to hurt or destroy something. People will irritate me (I work with the public) and I want to snarl at them or bash their face in. I'm not an inherently violent person -- I've never been in sports, I don't have brothers, I'm not even a huge fan of action movies -- but sometimes, something inside me makes me want to rip everything off the walls, dump all the liquids out, all the boxes in the cabinets out, break my own nose, like actually terrorize people or my surroundings. These outbursts have always stayed contained to my immediate family and to my home.

Sometimes, I can't really remember what happened afterwards. I feel like that person isn't me -- not like I'm outside of my body, but that it's a separate part of me. It's hard for me to explain it when I'm not in that place. I don't know how to explain it to my therapist when it happened a week ago and the memory is fuzzy to begin with.

It scares me, a lot. I don't know what it is. Honestly, I think I've always had those tornado-like feelings, as long as I can remember. I used to smack myself in the face when I was a kid, like elementary age. I've never really told anyone what happens in such great detail. I feel incredibly alone in this because a) how do you explain this to your friends without seeming like a nut? and b) no one I know would even be able to relate to how I feel! I can't keep doing this; I can't live like this.

This was really hard for me, so I hope posting it here, as a new thread, is acceptable.

[Fizzyo]

[Fuzzybear]

[Fizzyo]

Hi, I've come back, now I'm in a better place than yesterday and can read more carefully.
I can relate to a lot you say, and many other people here will too, I know. I was quite explosive as a teenager and still experience strong emotions now. I even hit my sister and left bruises which shames me to this day. There is help out there to help us understand ourselves and cope better. I have recently been told I have Emotionally Unstable Personality Traits, meaning I have some of the symptoms of Emotionally Unstable Personality disorder, keep reading please, this diagnosis, sometimes called BPD or Emotion Intensity Disorder sounds very negative, but simply means that you feel emotions very deeply and that makes your life HARD. I recently attended Stepps programme which explained a lot of things and gave me a lot more skills to survive. It was also obvious that the other people in the group who all had similar issues to what you described were also some of the most caring people I've met. Feeling strongly also gives you the capacity to care intensely and understand and support other people. It is SOO hard to live with at times but also gives dimensions to our lives. If you get the chance to go for help, GO FOR IT. You clearly have the courage and it is possible to make a difference, you don't want to wait till you're in your 40s like me when everything is more ingrained. Good luck as you try to find a way forward, it will take courage, but people here want to support you. If you find a thread has a limited response, don't give up, post again maybe on another forum and the 'right' people will find you. Above all, don't give up on yourself, you're worth the effort!

Current diagnosis (labels) double depression, (dysthymia (long term depression, in my case over 30years) with severe depression on top) and Emotionally Unstable Personality Traits.
When depression is less, but still there, I generally have a decent quality of life.

[thecrankyone]

My son has had similar issues in the past, though he is much better now. In his case it was partially due to drug use. But he was also diagnosed as ODD. It could also be rage issues or a 100 other things. A psychiatric professional is where I would start.