Dep

My partner has depression. She's being treated but when it hits hard she is hopelessly negative and can't really do much for herself. I become her care-giver and it becomes difficult to take anything positive from life myself. I guess my question is what strategies have people found to stay connected to depressed partners without losing their own lives. For those suffering from depression, what can a partner do to help? It feels very hopeless right now.

Hey there!!

I think what was so unhelpful to me, is when my family starts judging me, and they actually don't know that I have depression, they might as well don't know what it is and I understand, but they keep arriving to conclusions by saying "Oh I know exactly what you're going through, it's just the laziness!!". That is more than enough to put me down even more, and gives me absolutely no hope, because they don't want to listen to me completely, they think I'm hiding something while I'm not, and because of that, I gave up on talking, and depression is becoming more severe everyday, and now, both my family and I are not doing well, but if they listen, and stop throwing stuff that are absolutely not true and stop holding onto them, we both will live a better life, and they don't have to be concerned.

A huge part of helping depressed people is by letting them talk, and you have to listen until they unload it out completely, because part of depression is anger, depressed people are definitely angry with themselves, angry with those who don't seem to understand.

What you need to do to also stay unaffected by her depression, is to simply let her unload the negativity, let her wash it off her brain, and then she'll hopefully feel better, and you'll feel better too!! If she's alone by herself, go to her with a smile on your face, let her know you're here for her, and tell her that you want her to talk. And, for me, I like unloading when someone is hugging me or when my head is on someone's shoulder. If you do that, you will feel that you have the power to make things right, and you'll gain confidence, and she will feel protected. Just try not to leave her sitting alone, because depression makes you talk to yourself non-stop, fueling the brain with more anger and more hopelessness, not until she speaks her mind tot the person she loves!!

I hope that I didn't misunderstand something, or that I wasn't helpful.

Take care

Hi I live with severe depression but also support my husband who has bipolar disorder, though it is well controlled, so I have experience from both sides of the fence.
I feel very guilty that I worry I'm dragging him down and not meeting his needs. Sometimes that makes me want to withdraw even more. The best thing about my husband is that he doesn't try to fix me and still loves me. The hardest thing is that he is not good at showing his care or encouraging me to talk when I feel withdrawn. I interpret that as that he's not interested or can't cope with how I am so then I withdraw to try to protect him and keep things to myself.
I try to challenge my negative thoughts and make myself think of at least a tiny positive thing. When my husband is feeling low and negative he doesn't appear to do that, will often take to his bed or just curl up,and I feel frustrated thinking why doesn't he try as hard as I do, or at least a bit. I can get quite short with him. Trouble is, I don't know how hard he has tried, not really, I'm not in his head. And trying to fix him rather than gentle encouragement never works. Hmmm, difficult issue. My care coordinator once said 'it (mental illness) is hard to live with but it's even harder to live it. Kudos that you are still there for her, that's so valuable, best wishes as you try to find a way through.

Thanks so much for the replies, which are helpful. I know part of the answer is to concentrate on the moment and not speculate about the future. I've learned that even if my instinct is to run away it is better to stay and listen to my partner. The worst passes and there are openings for hope.

You are clearly courageous and you care - respect is due - take care of yourself too, you need to be in a good place to care, I hope you find support for this, here and in the '3D world'