[MisterMatt]

Once my coworker and friend Valerie started dating a new guy, things went south between us. It’d be nice if it could be explained as the standard focusing-attention-on-new-guy, but she has only strengthened old and made new friendships.
We were getting along just fine when, February of last year, she explained that she doesn’t like using the phone—even with her new boyfriend, so I shouldn’t expect calls or texts from her. Because of this stance, she asked that I not call or text her, either. On the same vein, Valerie said she doesn’t want to chat with people at work... including me. If we have to talk at work, she wants it to be just about work.
“I have a problem with this,” I admitted. “It makes me feel like you’re cutting me out of your life.”
She countered, “Well, I don’t have a problem with it. This is what I want.”
Prior to that day, she had mentioned a desire to communicate less with me. One time she claimed it was because I knew so much, she didn’t want to risk us having a conversation at work that could embarrass her—thus, having all communication at work focus on the job.
I’ve asked if I did something wrong or could do something to fix things; Valerie offered, “Give it time.” In other words, do nothing. I’ve taken her aside several times, making statements such as, “I’m really depressed that you don’t want me to call or talk to you.” She would respond with comments like, “I understand.” When I’d comment that I miss spending time with her, she’d shrug, “Friendship ebbs and flows,” i.e., they come and go.
“I feel like I should just leave you alone,” I concluded.
“Ok,” she responded.
Over the next few months, I indeed backed off, reluctantly. She, meanwhile, became more social and outgoing, always discussing personal things with other coworkers, telling them she’ll call or text them later, even standing in the middle of our workplace talking to her boyfriend on the phone. Every instance is a knife in my side.
Occasionally, she’d shoot me a text or ask me how my weekend was... but each time, my mind would scream that she doesn’t truly want me to respond. Once when I was out, she wrote, “Missed you at work today.” I stared at the text wondering if it was some kind of sick joke. How am I supposed to respond to her when she asked me not to?!
The last time we got together, she wanted to discuss our friendship. I remarked that she doesn’t know how important she is to me. Her response was, “I’m not attracted to you at all.” Didn’t know how to take that; she’s repeatedly made it clear she wasn’t interested in me, noting she would NEVER date me, but damn if she didn’t make it sound like there’s nothing worthwhile in me. More importantly, when I said that to her, I meant that she doesn’t realize just how lonely I am. She was my ONLY friend. I’ve always struggled to connect with others; with this rift between us, I haven’t received a single call from anyone in over a year. That’s the kind of isolation I endure (and yes, I try to contact others without living like a hermit).
Shortly before this began, we were both suffering from depression and, her, anxiety attacks. Valerie gave me the best compliment when she remarked that I was probably her closest friend. Suddenly I’m replaced by her boyfriend and my absence is not even noticed. She’s happy and enjoying life. I try my best to be happy for her but am nevertheless miserable.
What is the issue? It’s not naturally drifting apart—it’s being cut out. Am I just jumping to conclusions? Not when I’m ignored... when I’m told not to talk to her. Maybe it wasn’t about me? Of course it was—I’m the only one she stopped talking to. Maybe she just has her own issues to work out? Busy and life gets in the way? Then how can she make new friends? So many websites comfort, “Don’t think you’re a bad person because someone doesn’t want to be your friend.” Then why is it that EVERY friend I’ve EVER made has suddenly decided they want nothing to do with me?

[Frankbtl]

Hi MisterMatt,

I'm sorry you were treated like that, it must have been very confusing and hurtful
But I'm afraid you're going to get the same kind of thing as this "So many websites comfort, “Don’t think you’re a bad person because someone doesn’t want to be your friend.”" from me, and not wholly from the "comforting" aspect, but because I think it's true
As to why she treated you that way.........real hard to tell, maybe she felt you'd both run out of commonalities, maybe she has problems with making real connections (even if she has/makes other friends they may not all be real connections), maybe it was one of those misconceptions that "the grass is always greener on the other side", maybe she felt the friendship was getting too close (or might do for either of you)...........real hard to tell.
But it's sounding like she wasn't/isn't the true "friend" you'd given her credit for being. If she did have problems with the friendship, a true friend should be talking to you about those instead of cutting you off, and cutting you off so harshly. And even if she didn't really actually see you as that much of a friend anyway, that's still very harsh. So you know, I'd say that her behaviour says a lot more about her than about you.

And why have other friends done the same thing to you............well hard one to answer again.........but maybe it could be the types of people you let into your life???
Maybe it could be the way you managed those friendships, but like I said someone worth having a real friendship with should be telling you if there are difficulties so you can work on them together. So.........the types of people you let into your life???

But please try not to let all of this put you off trying to make other connections, and they can start very slowly, from casual encounters, no pressure.
Just when it comes to future friendships maybe have in mind certain expectations e.g. if they're your friend then you're going to be expecting them to communicate openly with you, to respect your feelings, to be there for you as much as they can..........just might reduce the risk of having "friends" let you down???
Because this does not all have to be about you.



Alison

[Fuzzybear]