Why? I hate myself.

[lonely-and-sad]

Often I have wondered this. Is it a perception or did I really ruin a lot of things such as jobs and relationships? I concluded that I did. So it is up to me to accept it and get some strategies to stop the cycle and move on. Exactly what strategies is the question. The evidence says therapy and medication are the big guns. There a few complementary therapies that help as well.

[i dont matter]

Borderline? It is a trait of BPD (and I know it all too well).

I don't have BPD. I do have Asperger's, MDD, PTSD and conversion disorder.

[lovejoy91]

Have you gone to therapy?

Yeah, I see a therapist every week (although she's on vacation right now). And I'm on meds and ECT treatments.

[LittleEarthquakes]

Everyone ruins things sometimes.

Thanks, LittleEarthquakes. You're right.

[Frankbtl]

Hi Breadfish,

I'd kind of go with the "Is it a matter of perception?" question here. Like is it everything.......and maybe not?? Is it always your fault, or are there some extenuating factors?? Is everything really "ruined"?? Are you overlooking the positive things/achievements that you've accomplished??
And why the thoughts..........what do you think?? Maybe abuse, maybe depression........maybe.......??
But you know even if this thread/replies don't get you past hating yourself right now (we can but try ) just remind yourself that there are lots of people on here who DON'T hate you, DON'T see those qualities in you, who know that you're not worthy of hate

And lastly.........maybe there's nothing in particular...........but have to ask........has anything specific happened to trigger those feelings???
And if so.........if you want to talk about it (or anything!!).........here for you

Alison

Thanks, Alison.

Possible trigger:

I tried to kill myself last Monday while my parents were on vacation. This would've led to my sister discovering my body, which wasn't well thought-out on my part. We (parents, sister, myself) are all angry with me for my thoughtlessness.
Now my sister and I would go for a long weekend to the sea and she's afraid to go with me so we're not going. And she was really looking forward to it, too. So I ruined that for her.

[Frankbtl]

Breadfish!!

You ARE NOT responsible for THAT!!!
And a little compassion for yourself about last Monday, hey??!!!
With all the feelings (or no feelings???) going through you that day/time, the last thing you need/deserve is anger pointed at you
And as for the weekend being cancelled, well that was your sisters CHOICE. No-one/nothing forced her to make that decision.
And now........a little less worrying about everyone else...........what you've been through/are going through is much more important!!!
Have you got/do you think you need some more real help after Monday???
Maybe seeing your T, maybe having your meds/treatment adjusted, maybe talking on here if you think that might help???



Alison

I've talked to my pdoc on Tuesday and he convinced me suicide attempts are not in my best interests - either my next attempt should succeed, or I should quit trying. (Obviously he didn't say or intend that exactly, but that's what message I got) Because attempting suicide is ruining/is going to ruin my life.
My T is on vacation, regrettably.

Your words are very kind. I'll try to remember them.

[Frankbtl]

Hi Breadfish,

Assuming/hoping he recognized that the pain/feelings (?) that led you to Monday weren't "in your best interests" either and helped you a little in working through some of that??
But maybe that would be more your T's area?? I'm sorry they're away, bad timing on their part, hey??
So...........to me it shouldn't need to be all about you trying to convince yourself "logically".............sometimes logical arguments can be really hard to hold on to/trust when things are really bad, aren't they??
I'd say that in there you need plenty of real support in the way you're feeling as well. So to you is that maybe understanding, encouragement, validation, empathy, compassion, caring..............???? Maybe mixtures of all of them at times, hey???
So please don't stop reaching for those, you deserve all of them and more/whatever it's going to take to help you a bit when you need it.
Obviously you can get those sorts of things on here but if you need to reach out to helpline/crisischats as well.............
And it's not just about trying to hold on remember, it's about trying to move forward/past those feelings too............so let us be here for you in that too, hey??
Because you matter, you're worth it!!



Alison