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  #1  
Old Jul 27, 2015, 12:54 AM
lostinwilderness's Avatar
lostinwilderness lostinwilderness is offline
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Member Since: Aug 2006
Location: India
Posts: 476
It is not a poem, not a proper one, just an outpouring of thoughts so not creative corner material.

It is not really about coping with emotions more like how I am not coping and how do I ever get back on track and start coping like a somewhat normal person so no not in that space when it is more of an antithesis to the main message.

I hate to be generic and go for depression but it seems that’s the header this post will take.

I am sorry that my first proper post after my long break is so bleak but it seems to be the way things are at the moment. Maybe I’ll get back to a slightly more positive outlook later.

-

I’m so tired, so beyond exhausted with fears aplenty yet to be conquered
Emotional balance seems to be awaiting a timeless, unapparent cosmic confluence
Apathy seems to rule the roost, mired hopelessly, helplessly in guilt
It is not really ingratitude; it is not an irreverent attitude
I care so much, much more than I can ever bring myself to say
In the innermost of my heart, hidden away

It may not seem like it, I certainly do not act like it
But I do care; there are many tears that I have shed in your name
At the all the hurt I’ve caused though never intentionally
I do love you in my own broken, selfish, helpless ways
I want to help, to extend that hand, to let you know I more than understand
To shoulder that burden that you have been carrying for me for all this time
But I am simply left unable

I tend to leave things at intentions, never translating them into actions
I do not know why I am like this but all I know is that I simply am
There is this shell surrounding me that I just cannot break out of
And maybe once it was for my protection but it is slowly becoming my prison
I do not know how to let it go, nor how long I can continue to hold on
With the state of things remaining as it is

What do to? Whom do I call to help when all my cries are being suffocated?
Who will hear let alone listen? Who will understand without a word being said?
I am alone and helpless, there is no anchor to keep me afloat
How long will it be before I drown and will someone help me before I get to that point?
Can anyone tell me? Does anyone know? I only ask because I do not
And it is so very difficult to keep holding on

A part of me knows it is not really pointless; it is only pointless when I let go
I can’t seem to help anything at all and I hate that fact more than words can say
Why is it so and how can it change? Please let me know, please just let me know
Let me know how to be me again.

-

-

Please note I do not… this is in no way even remotely suicidal. Just I’m lost and in a sea of helplessness… I do not know why I felt the need to include that, but there it is anyway. Its just when I went to post this the 'no suicidal posts' seemed to jump out at me. I felt I should clarify.
-

Thank you for responding/lending an ear.

-

-
__________________
When life seems chaotic, you don't need people giving you easy answers or cheap promises. There might not be any answers to your problems. What you need is a safe place where you can bounce with people who have taken some bad hops of their own.
Hugs from:
elin95

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  #2  
Old Jul 27, 2015, 09:42 AM
Anonymous32451
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Posts: n/a
Quote:
Originally Posted by lostinwilderness View Post
It is not a poem, not a proper one, just an outpouring of thoughts so not creative corner material.

It is not really about coping with emotions more like how I am not coping and how do I ever get back on track and start coping like a somewhat normal person so no not in that space when it is more of an antithesis to the main message.

I hate to be generic and go for depression but it seems that’s the header this post will take.

I am sorry that my first proper post after my long break is so bleak but it seems to be the way things are at the moment. Maybe I’ll get back to a slightly more positive outlook later.

-

I’m so tired, so beyond exhausted with fears aplenty yet to be conquered
Emotional balance seems to be awaiting a timeless, unapparent cosmic confluence
Apathy seems to rule the roost, mired hopelessly, helplessly in guilt
It is not really ingratitude; it is not an irreverent attitude
I care so much, much more than I can ever bring myself to say
In the innermost of my heart, hidden away

It may not seem like it, I certainly do not act like it
But I do care; there are many tears that I have shed in your name
At the all the hurt I’ve caused though never intentionally
I do love you in my own broken, selfish, helpless ways
I want to help, to extend that hand, to let you know I more than understand
To shoulder that burden that you have been carrying for me for all this time
But I am simply left unable

I tend to leave things at intentions, never translating them into actions
I do not know why I am like this but all I know is that I simply am
There is this shell surrounding me that I just cannot break out of
And maybe once it was for my protection but it is slowly becoming my prison
I do not know how to let it go, nor how long I can continue to hold on
With the state of things remaining as it is

What do to? Whom do I call to help when all my cries are being suffocated?
Who will hear let alone listen? Who will understand without a word being said?
I am alone and helpless, there is no anchor to keep me afloat
How long will it be before I drown and will someone help me before I get to that point?
Can anyone tell me? Does anyone know? I only ask because I do not
And it is so very difficult to keep holding on

A part of me knows it is not really pointless; it is only pointless when I let go
I can’t seem to help anything at all and I hate that fact more than words can say
Why is it so and how can it change? Please let me know, please just let me know
Let me know how to be me again.

-

-

Please note I do not… this is in no way even remotely suicidal. Just I’m lost and in a sea of helplessness… I do not know why I felt the need to include that, but there it is anyway. Its just when I went to post this the 'no suicidal posts' seemed to jump out at me. I felt I should clarify.
-

Thank you for responding/lending an ear.

-

-


no need to apologize

it's good you're reaching out and sharing

i'm sorry you feel this way

what help are you getting?. (in terms of meds, therapy, etc)

is their anything passsiffic you know that's causing it
Hugs from:
lostinwilderness
Thanks for this!
lostinwilderness
  #3  
Old Jul 27, 2015, 11:20 AM
waterknob1234's Avatar
waterknob1234 waterknob1234 is offline
Grand Poohbah
 
Member Since: Feb 2014
Location: in school
Posts: 1,773
Hi lostinwilderness. No need to apologize. I can see so much of myself in your post. I believe I understand exactly where you are at. Peace and love to you.
Hugs from:
lostinwilderness
Thanks for this!
lostinwilderness
  #4  
Old Jul 27, 2015, 01:45 PM
lostinwilderness's Avatar
lostinwilderness lostinwilderness is offline
Member
 
Member Since: Aug 2006
Location: India
Posts: 476
Hey shattered sanity, I hope you are well. I am feeling better now, the emotions not as sharp presently, though as always with emotions, they peak and dip in their own time, dancing to its own tune.

Official diagnosis 13-14 yrs back says major depression and social phobia. Where meds are concerned, I stopped cold some 10 years ago because they were more temptation than help. It is not something I intend to re-visit. The medication I am on now through necessity (for diabetes) are horror enough. I just pray I never have that downturn.

As for therapy my social anxiety has built up so much since then that it is pretty much a no go too. I'd need someone to physically drag me out and there is no one at home capable or more like no one willing in fear of being culpable a bit of both actually. I don't have many people in real life that I can go to as a bunch of them are unaware there is a problem at all and those that know there is a problem are unaware of the extent of it. I have my two pillars ever present and ever so beloved but they are old and I am afraid of them crumbling, afraid of adding to their burden so most of the time I don't let on how bad it gets at times.

Most of my help these days is through luck and well wishes and the goodwill of others that choose to lend their (virtual) support. Most of the time it is more than enough, though sometimes just barely. The times it is not, I just have to weather through.
Generally speaking 60% of the time I am fine, I can get easily by. 30 % of the time it is hard but I make it through. 8% of the time it is horrible, I'm living on prayer and scared out of my mind. 2% of the time is when I truly do not know; I do not know how or if I will make it through. A part of me can recognize that I'm not stable enough to get by without therapy entirely and that it would definitely be easier with. But I also know that it needs to not be an attempt, that I should actually stick to it and right now that's impossible. I'm part a of the bandwagon 'why fix it if it ain't broke' and I am not broken yet.

Wow! that turned out quite long-winded. Anyway, thank you for your thoughts, for your concern and for your reply. It warms me or to be more poetically minded - It warms me, calms me and safely surrounds me as and when I need it to.

-
Hello waterknob1234, I hope you are doing well presently.
It is good to know that I am not alone in this; that there is one more with me on this uphill climb.
Thank you. Thank you for replying, for identifying. Peace and well wishes to you as well.

-
__________________
When life seems chaotic, you don't need people giving you easy answers or cheap promises. There might not be any answers to your problems. What you need is a safe place where you can bounce with people who have taken some bad hops of their own.
Hugs from:
elin95
  #5  
Old Jul 27, 2015, 02:17 PM
Fuzzybear's Avatar
Fuzzybear Fuzzybear is offline
Wisest Elder Ever
 
Member Since: Nov 2002
Location: Cave.
Posts: 96,637
__________________
Hugs from:
lostinwilderness
Thanks for this!
lostinwilderness
  #6  
Old Jul 27, 2015, 02:34 PM
lostinwilderness's Avatar
lostinwilderness lostinwilderness is offline
Member
 
Member Since: Aug 2006
Location: India
Posts: 476
No hug this time fuzzy?
Never mind though I love you anyway.

I'm still giving you a rib-cracking one though ((((((((((((((((((((((((((Fuzzybear)))))))))))))))))))))))))

Do take care.
__________________
When life seems chaotic, you don't need people giving you easy answers or cheap promises. There might not be any answers to your problems. What you need is a safe place where you can bounce with people who have taken some bad hops of their own.
Hugs from:
elin95, Fuzzybear
  #7  
Old Jul 27, 2015, 03:12 PM
elin95's Avatar
elin95 elin95 is offline
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Member Since: Nov 2014
Location: Wonderland
Posts: 444
I'm so sorry to hear how you feel. true for many, unfortunately
Hugs from:
lostinwilderness
Thanks for this!
lostinwilderness
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